Gone To Look for America

As I sat there staring blankly at the pasty-face red head who was giving this useless power point presentation, my mind began to drift to Simon and Garfunkle. Well not exactly to them but to their song “Gone to Look for America”.

let us be lovers we’ll marry our fortunes together
I’ve got some real estate here in my bag
So we bought a pack of cigarettes and Mrs. Wagner pies
And we walked off to look for America

Why? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s because I wish I would’ve done that when I was young and sitting through yet another meaningless meeting wherein nothing is ventured or gained, it feels like such a pointless existence. After reading “On the Road” when I was 18, my plans were set. I was absolutely going to break these bonds like “Thundarr the Barbarian” and hitchhike across the country. I was going to see it all.

To this day the furthest west I’ve been is Illinois.


"Kathy, I said as we boarded a Greyhound in Pittsburgh
Michigan seems like a dream to me now
It took me four days to hitchhike from Saginaw
I’ve gone to look for America"


But here I sit. Wasting an hour and a half at a presentation hosted by a medical insurance company that is just to inform its participating providers that its name has changed to “SuperMed”. That’s all. Nothing else.

First of all "Super Med" is the dumbest fucking name I've ever heard of and they are probably paying “crimson crotch” 75 grand a year to power-point me to this miraculous epiphany. Not only that, 40 lunches were purchased and I was paid throughout my time there. Their fucking name changed. An email would’ve sufficed.

I’m hearing so much about how this new healthcare bill is going to be the shit because it will force providers to become more efficient. Yeah…o.k. The docs I work for see on average 32 patients a day because the reimbursements continue to be lowered. Under the new plan there will be even deeper cuts so that they will have to see 40 patients a day. That’s not efficient. That’s the DMV.

"Laughing on the bus
Playing games with the faces
She said the man in the gabardine suit was a spy
I said be careful his bowtie is really a camera"

Wouldn’t it make more sense to force the insurance companies to stop wasting money on bullshit like these jag-off initiatives so that they could lower their premiums and make insurance more affordable? I mean other than the name change this ginger bitch rambled on about how the company updates her screensaver all the time to cool sports stars and if you log in and tell them that you “worked out” for and hour today or that you don’t smoke that you’ll earn points that you can redeem for gift cards.

Shut the fuck up. I have to pinch myself so I don’t say it.


"Toss me a cigarette, I think there’s one in my raincoat
we smoked the last one an hour ago
As I looked at the scenery, she read her magazine
And the moon rose over an open field"

There’s a line in “Gladiator” I think where Richard Harris says “There once was a dream called Rome.” When I was 18 there was a dream called America. At least that’s how I thought of it then. This vast place where anything was possible. No where in that dream was a board room in a hospital with a bunch of ape-faced old bitches complaining about fee schedules and warm chicken salad sandwiches.




"Kathy, I’m lost, I said, though I knew she was sleeping
I’m empty and aching and I don’t know why
Counting the cars on the New Jersey turnpike
They’ve all gone to look for America
All gone to look for America
All gone to look for America"

Medicare Replacements Can Eat My Butt

I had just laid the receiver in its cradle for the 50th time that morning when Allison buzzed me from checkout.

“Hey man, didn’t you say that we’re not in network with the Humana PPO Medicare Replacement?” Her voice sounded muffled and hushed so I assumed that the patient was standing right in front of her.

“Yep, we are not sooo…” and apparently that was all she needed to hear as her response was just a quick “o.k.” followed by a dial tone.

I continued on with my toiling until moments later when Allison came bursting through my faux glass sliding cubicle door. It’s a pathetic excuse for a door but at least it’s frosty. I always feel like I’m inside of a beer mug when I look through it and that’s not too shabby.

Anyways, Allison seemed exceptionally frustrated as her arms waved about like those blowy clown things they put in front of mattress stores to attract attention from the highway.

“Look man, will you come up front and talk to this dude? He’s being totally unreasonable and he’s gotta bill because it was applied to his deductible and he says someone should’ve told him this was going to happen and I dunno…. just please come and deal with him because I can’t do this shit.”

By this point in the morning I was totally over ALL of it so I had no issues with going up front and giving this cat the old “It’s your insurance” speech.

Still, it was kind of odd to see Allison so rattled by an indifferent patient.

With an “A-Team “ like spring in my step I set off to kick some ass when Allison abruptly jumped in front of me and stopped me in my tracks.

“Look, I should warn you that he’s like a “Christopher Reeves” and shit. Like he’s in this chair and he controls everything with a tube that goes in his mouth annnnnnd…..he’s a bastard.”

I recoiled in horror. “You’re fucking bullshitting me?”

Her slowly shaking head sent the chill down my spine that graciously attacked my legs and made them walk forward to face the situation.

My fellow biller Tory in the next “cube” was laughing uncontrollably at her own good fortune. Luckily for her, she was taking a call or fate wouldn’t have afforded her the luxury of skipping this one.

“Your going up the next 4 times whore. I get a quadriplegic?! Horse shit.”

I could hear her laughing intensify as I cut the corner heading towards another grueling encounter wherein I explain to some sad sack that they’ve “been screwed over by their Insurance plan” and that “yes” they Do owe us money. It sucks major balls and I despise it.

Only this time, my song and dance would be delivered to a “quad”. Christ help me. I’m a horrible collector anyways but especially from the elderly or the crippled. I’m much more suited for my furious key-stroking talents but budget cuts have dictated that I adapt and do the best that I can.

Long story short (too late) this handy-snaps was an incredible human being who accepted the line of shit I had to give’em.

It goes like this- the insurance plan that he had last year was “Humana Gold Choice” which was a “fee for service” plan so even though we were not in “Network” , they still paid us at 100% after co-pay. What had now happened to this gentlemen was that “Gold Choice’s” price went up exponentially and he was offered this new “Humana PPO” Medicare replacement that was cheaper and (supposedly) had hardly any changes. It even used the same ID number.

However, one BIG difference was that if the Doctor or hospital you go to is not in their Network then the patient is subject to a $500.00 deductible. I don’t think you ever feel more evil than when you tell some70 year old on a fixed income that he has to come up with 500 extra bucks. I had one cry on me when I told him.

Fuck.

See and here’s the thing, freakin’ Medicare doesn’t even impose a 500.00 deductible on a regular Dr.s visit. It’s more like around one hundred dollars for the year on office visits. AND the practice I work for as well as the hospital we are in conjunction with have decided not to sign contracts with any of these “gazillion” Medicare Replacement programs that are out there because they don’t even guarantee the same rate of reimbursement as shoddy ass Medicare. That’s sorry if you hadn’t guessed.

But back to the pole smokers at Humana- They totally butt raped the old and the mangled by not fully explaining to these folks what would happen to them by going to this “Network” based plan and giving them the option to just go back to Medicare or switch to a different Medicare replacement that’s also a “fee for service” type of deal. Now they’re all stuck with it for the year.

It was extremely sad to see the anger in this man’s eyes dissolve into bitter acceptance. Like every fucking day isn’t a struggle for this guy. He has to pay someone to get him up, to feed him and on top of that he has to pay avoidable deductibles that have been put upon him by lying cock-face insurance companies.

ANDI also find out as I’m writing the pre-signed check out for his balance, that 10 years ago he was just like me.

“I was just cruising down this two-lane country road one night in my “Jag” with the top down and out of nowhere…… I hit a mother-fucking cow. Just random ya know? Cow asleep in the fucking road.”

I really had no response other than to tell him that I loved his bumper sticker.

It read “CAUTION- I Swerve and Hit People”

Hopefully a Human Medicare Replacement “Rep” will cross his path again soon. Bastards.