They Blinded Me with Boring

Two weeks ago we began implementing a new electronic medical record system in my office.
Two weeks ago, I thought I hated my job.
I've since come to realize that it wasn't so much hatred as it was boredom with the endless data entry, nauseating co-workers and finicky patients.

NOW I hate my job.

What used to take two key strokes now requires 14 clicks and the volume hasn't decreased in the slightest to make up for this nonsensical speed bump. It's so needlessly complicated, I actually began to wonder today if we were on some new corporate "Punk'd". And the truly maddening thing is to know why we had to do it. It's all about the government getting their stats and if they don't know how many Samoans we see per year, apparently the whole infrastructure will collapse. I mean, we could have rejected it but in doing so, would have been forced to take MASSIVE Medicare pay
cuts because that's how the government blackmails you into doing shit you don't want to. They take money away like a parent withholds an allowance if you don't take out the trash. They suck balls. I mean all the balls, in every universe.

 I can't tell you how fun it is to be challenged by a job you loathe at this age. The moments at my desk that I'm not stumped on what to to do next or  inwardly screaming at myself for not finishing college are usually filled with prayers that someone will strike me on top of the head with a lead pipe. Then maybe when and if I came to, it would be like the movies and suddenly I'd become some amazing writer or just tell them to go fuck themselves and run into the woods. Either would be a fine transition to my current existence.

People told us, they said over and over "Oh...you're converting? Well just be prepared for 6 months of hell."

I'm not sure if what my office is suffering from is the normal nightmare or it's beyond that. Like a Freddy Krueger type thing and we need some fucking Dream Warriors. I can't even rely on my boss because she doesn't know what the hell to do either.  I've never seen her cry so much. In fact all the chicks in my office look like someone has crapped in their Cheerios pretty much all day.Then this afternoon, something weird happened to me.

I was squinting way hard at this website that I'm supposed to be able to download my payments from. I went through the whole fucking thing with the dude over the phone last week, he took control of my PC and everything, walked me through all 4 thousand steps. Today, even going by my notes, I couldn't get it to do what he did.

"WHY Damn you??!!!!!!!!" Is what I was screaming in my brain when all of a sudden, there was this bright white flash and my vision went totally blurry. When I could focus somewhat again, I could only make out the top left portion of things. The bottom right of everything was just a blur. I went to the bathroom and couldn't even make out my face in the mirror. It reminded me of one of those caricatures of Hunter S., driving that brilliant red caddy through the desert. Face all stretched out on the bottom, glasses dripping down my cheeks in a runny rainbow. There wasn't anything good about it.

It lasted for about 20 minutes and then I started to develop a headache. Another woman I work with says it happens to her all the time. Fuck that. I'm starting to think that maybe I should just try to find another boring ass job instead of a challenging, boring ass job which, as I have discovered, is a million times worse. Maybe they need someone to sort the blank paper from the colored at Kinko's or maybe I could stack pallets of creamer and shit at Sam's club. Those jobs seem like just the right amount of boring without too much mental stress.

Medicare Replacements Can Eat My Butt

I had just laid the receiver in its cradle for the 50th time that morning when Allison buzzed me from checkout.

“Hey man, didn’t you say that we’re not in network with the Humana PPO Medicare Replacement?” Her voice sounded muffled and hushed so I assumed that the patient was standing right in front of her.

“Yep, we are not sooo…” and apparently that was all she needed to hear as her response was just a quick “o.k.” followed by a dial tone.

I continued on with my toiling until moments later when Allison came bursting through my faux glass sliding cubicle door. It’s a pathetic excuse for a door but at least it’s frosty. I always feel like I’m inside of a beer mug when I look through it and that’s not too shabby.

Anyways, Allison seemed exceptionally frustrated as her arms waved about like those blowy clown things they put in front of mattress stores to attract attention from the highway.

“Look man, will you come up front and talk to this dude? He’s being totally unreasonable and he’s gotta bill because it was applied to his deductible and he says someone should’ve told him this was going to happen and I dunno…. just please come and deal with him because I can’t do this shit.”

By this point in the morning I was totally over ALL of it so I had no issues with going up front and giving this cat the old “It’s your insurance” speech.

Still, it was kind of odd to see Allison so rattled by an indifferent patient.

With an “A-Team “ like spring in my step I set off to kick some ass when Allison abruptly jumped in front of me and stopped me in my tracks.

“Look, I should warn you that he’s like a “Christopher Reeves” and shit. Like he’s in this chair and he controls everything with a tube that goes in his mouth annnnnnd…..he’s a bastard.”

I recoiled in horror. “You’re fucking bullshitting me?”

Her slowly shaking head sent the chill down my spine that graciously attacked my legs and made them walk forward to face the situation.

My fellow biller Tory in the next “cube” was laughing uncontrollably at her own good fortune. Luckily for her, she was taking a call or fate wouldn’t have afforded her the luxury of skipping this one.

“Your going up the next 4 times whore. I get a quadriplegic?! Horse shit.”

I could hear her laughing intensify as I cut the corner heading towards another grueling encounter wherein I explain to some sad sack that they’ve “been screwed over by their Insurance plan” and that “yes” they Do owe us money. It sucks major balls and I despise it.

Only this time, my song and dance would be delivered to a “quad”. Christ help me. I’m a horrible collector anyways but especially from the elderly or the crippled. I’m much more suited for my furious key-stroking talents but budget cuts have dictated that I adapt and do the best that I can.

Long story short (too late) this handy-snaps was an incredible human being who accepted the line of shit I had to give’em.

It goes like this- the insurance plan that he had last year was “Humana Gold Choice” which was a “fee for service” plan so even though we were not in “Network” , they still paid us at 100% after co-pay. What had now happened to this gentlemen was that “Gold Choice’s” price went up exponentially and he was offered this new “Humana PPO” Medicare replacement that was cheaper and (supposedly) had hardly any changes. It even used the same ID number.

However, one BIG difference was that if the Doctor or hospital you go to is not in their Network then the patient is subject to a $500.00 deductible. I don’t think you ever feel more evil than when you tell some70 year old on a fixed income that he has to come up with 500 extra bucks. I had one cry on me when I told him.

Fuck.

See and here’s the thing, freakin’ Medicare doesn’t even impose a 500.00 deductible on a regular Dr.s visit. It’s more like around one hundred dollars for the year on office visits. AND the practice I work for as well as the hospital we are in conjunction with have decided not to sign contracts with any of these “gazillion” Medicare Replacement programs that are out there because they don’t even guarantee the same rate of reimbursement as shoddy ass Medicare. That’s sorry if you hadn’t guessed.

But back to the pole smokers at Humana- They totally butt raped the old and the mangled by not fully explaining to these folks what would happen to them by going to this “Network” based plan and giving them the option to just go back to Medicare or switch to a different Medicare replacement that’s also a “fee for service” type of deal. Now they’re all stuck with it for the year.

It was extremely sad to see the anger in this man’s eyes dissolve into bitter acceptance. Like every fucking day isn’t a struggle for this guy. He has to pay someone to get him up, to feed him and on top of that he has to pay avoidable deductibles that have been put upon him by lying cock-face insurance companies.

ANDI also find out as I’m writing the pre-signed check out for his balance, that 10 years ago he was just like me.

“I was just cruising down this two-lane country road one night in my “Jag” with the top down and out of nowhere…… I hit a mother-fucking cow. Just random ya know? Cow asleep in the fucking road.”

I really had no response other than to tell him that I loved his bumper sticker.

It read “CAUTION- I Swerve and Hit People”

Hopefully a Human Medicare Replacement “Rep” will cross his path again soon. Bastards.