That Time It Finally Happened and I Questioned The Universe

I saw a dog get killed yesterday. It’s almost occurred a few times in my life…the breath stopping..eyes covering and then, ahhh… everything’s fine. Not this time. I wanted to look away but he was so fucking close, one more second and he would’ve made it. There is NO escape from the back wheel of an obnoxious white Chevy Avalanche hauling all kinds of ass in rush hour traffic. Not even a brake light, just one moment a very cute Corgi mix was gettin’ it across the road, like he was killing the 12^th level of Frogger, Jesus if he would’ve just stayed in the median, it was a miracle he made it that far, but he went for broke and fell off the log. It sucked. I went back to make sure, even though I watched it roll right under the tire, just had to make sure it wasn’t still alive, suffering. It wasn’t.

Today, I kept picturing it in my head over and over, like some horrible Youtube mind trend. Along with that is this feeling of gratefulness. Appreciating how lucky I’ve been/am to rarely be subjected to crazy shit like that in my life. 

Well there was this other thing.About 8 months ago on my way to work,I noticed a rabbit that had been run over in the road. Its bottom half was smashed flat on the pavement, while in a cruel twist of fate, his top half was still very much alive and struggling furiously to get away from the bottom half. I screamed then struggled with the decision to go back and run over the top half or perhaps, use the machete I keep under the driver’s seat to chop his head off then realized I was far too pussy to enact either plan and just cried for the next few minutes to work. I called animal control, they said they’d had 6 previous calls and someone was on the way. I thought about asking if could have their names so we could form a support group because I was pretty fucked up. I hit “end call” instead. I was late to work frequently over the next four months as I refused to drive down that road.I think about that damn rabbit at least once a week, hoping my husband’s right, it was in shock at that point, couldn’t actually feel the smashin’s. Please let that be true.  

This afternoon, I read about how scientists have discovered that the universe is 800 million years older than previously believed. I know the theory, we all came from one atom that exploded. In a nanosecond, nothingness became the universe. That’s how things work in this world, everything is alive and dead instantly, it all relates back to that first moment. I’m also incredibly high right now so excuse the rambling. Really though, where did that atom come from? I asked one of the Dr.s at my job that question today. He’s Jewish, believes in God but is also a man of science. He believes the atom came from God. Where did God come from? Why aren’t the dinosaurs in the Bible/Torah?? Was Adam a Cro-Mag since he was the first man? Those things definitely existed, we have proof. Much like my Papaw Stewart, a Southern Baptist preacher I tormented daily, Dr. Silver didn’t have those answers either.  Why do we deserve the way we live, roof over our head, clean water, food while so many others starve and freeze to death? Why did every other dog I've ever seen in similar situations make it but this one didn’t? What the fuck is out there and will I live long enough to see it? Will I find out when I die?

Will it be like that old SNL sketch with John Laroquette and Dana Carvey?

Laroquette/deceased: Well. Let's see.. what's the grossest thing I ever ate?

Carvey/Angel: You don't want to know.

Deceased: Oh. Okay. What about the 200th grossest thing?

Angel: Okay.. that would be some butterscotch pudding that had a dead earwig in it.

Deceased: [ grimaces ] Oh, gross! You mean I never tasted it!

Angel: Well, you made this very funny face.. but you were watching a football game on TV at the time.

I saw that one back in high school and it’s always stuck with me as a positive to death, the possibility of knowing all the secrets of life. I mean if you do it right, you’ll have like 80 years worth of shit to ask about. Past all of the existentialism I’ve been paddling through, the simple things ARE the most intriguing. 

By the way, I’ve listened to this song about 20 times today. No.. it’s fine, not obsessing at all.