Tuesday, September 22, 2009


So I keep putting off finishing my story,old demons...they'll never die apparently. And now I've been asked to write the Dr.'s bio's for our new website at work so I'll use that to neglect my own pursuits. Easier. Loser. Always.

I stayed home today to nurse my hubby Nick who has been suffering from a super shitty virus. He coughed so much last night that I was tempted to suffocate him with a pillow. Instead, I took him to an Urgent Care facility this morning because he said he couldn't wait to see his regular Doc late this afternoon. Impatient patient.

He swooned and swirled throughout what should've been a 5 minute drive that turned into a 45 minute drive because of flood traffic. When we got inside, the air just felt thick with germs. He was given a mask at check in because they weren't sure if he had the flu, he refused so I decided to wear it. I must've went through an entire bottle of Purell in the "Golden Girls" decorated waiting room until finally, he got called back.

The nurse entering his demographics in the room was snotting all over the place her damn self and I was surprised that her fingers didn't slide off the keyboard from all the mucus from her many tissues.

When the Physicians Assistant came in, I thought it was a homeless person who'd wandered in from the street. She looked like a 50 something year old hippie with long, unbrushed hair wearing a pink Unicorn sweatshirt and purple sweat pants. I promise.

"So you're Mom I take it?" she asked as she extended her hand to me.

I thought that surely this bitch must be joking as my husband and I are the same fucking age but to my dismay when I said "excuse me?" she confirmed that she was insane.

"You're his mother right?"

O.k., yes Nick has a baby face but he's got a full goatee and gray hair for fuck's sake.

She began her examination and it was like she was trying out for the "speed medicine" olympics. She asked a barrage of questions that she didn't even allow Nick to answer, instead answered them herself. And then she was gone.

I asked Nick if he wanted to go ahead and see a real Doctor and get the hell out of there but he was so weak that he said he didn't care. "Fuck it" he moaned. "Surely they'll do something".

She returned with a script for cough syrup, a two day work excuse and orders for blood work. And just like that, slap chop, they shimmyed him down the chute, collected his copay and showed him the door. I thought it was bullshit.

I thought it was bullshit till I saw how much better he felt tonight and until he told me "thank you" over and over for taking him to that mung pit for treatment.

The power of codeine. It works no matter where it comes from is the lesson here I guess. Oh and if you're looking to have your ego boosted, nothing works like being accused of being your spouse's parent.


  1. "all the mucus from her many tissues"..........eeuughhh

    codeine like It's usual precursor in its synthesis - morphine, is proof that the Universe doesn't wish us to suffer unnecessary pain.

  2. You missed a golden opportunity to say, "yes, I'm his mom. We're like John and McKenzie Philips banging each other, except in reverse."

  3. "Yes I am his mother and I insist you take my babies temperature rectally." ha ha ha ha

    Here I'll finish your memoir for you.

    "Yeah I was fucked up but I am better now."

    If you don't like my ending Heidi put your ass in gear and get to the next section.

  4. Barnesm- No doubt brother. Now if the universe would just supply me with something to shut him up.

    Flinthart- I know, it's ridiculous. When Nick gets sick he becomes 5 years old. No wonder the P.A. thought I was his mummy.

    Steve- I heard about that this morning. You think it's true? Also I've been watching this badass documentary on Sundance called "Brick City" and it's all about the mayor of Newark, N.J. Was wondering if you'd seen it and what you thought?

    Walking Man- I know, I suck. I'm definitely going to plow through and have at least a few hundred words by Sunday. I disgust myself. Lame. Thanks for stickin' with me though.

  5. "I disgust myself. Lame."

    Kiss my ass, Just tell me what happened next.

  6. I don't know if it is true or not. After all, if you had the choice between McKenzie and Chyna, which one would YOU do?

    (I'm going to hell)

    And no, haven't seen the thing about Newark. I lived about an hour away, so Newark was rarely in my thoughts unless I had to go to the airport, or had a burning desire to have my car stolen.

  7. W.M.- I will, I swear!

    Steve- Hell or not- Chyna fo sho.

    Barnes- He is and now I'm fuckin' sick. Bah!

  8. If Chyna is good enough for Billy Baldwin, she's good enough for her dad.

    And I could be wrong, but I think the Phillips clan has become the one family to make the Barrymore's all go, "wow, those people are fucked up!"

  9. Hahaha, I mean were not talking Stephen Baldwin for heaven's sake.

    The Mama's and the Papa's dude, who'd a thunk it? Creepy hippies.

  10. I'll never forget the time I was feeling under the weather several years ago when there was a nasty flu going around. They had me wear a mask while in the waiting room. The nurse did all the work - checked for symptoms, blood pressure, temperature, everything. I waited about ten minutes and the doctor came in and merely announced I had bronchitis. Never did anything but tell me what I had and that it was okay for me to take off my mask because I didn't have the flu.

    Later that evening I became violently ill. I had also contracted the flu from my dad and the symptoms had yet to show. His complete and utter lack of doing anything made me secretly hope that by letting his guard down around me he had caught the flu.

    Spiteful, I know.

  11. I wouldn't expect anything less from you Oh Pantsless One! Your all about people gettin' their come upin's and I dig that.