Friday, July 3, 2009


In my years of living on this Earth I have been a witness to public, accidental farting on several occasions. Usually the scenario will be something like the person is passing me in the aisle or bending down to look at something and then very unexpectantly.... (insert fart noise).

The person generally attempts to continue as though nothing has happened as do I while trying to stifle my internal tee-hee's.

And I'm not including the countless times I've turned the corner into a new aisle and be hit square in the face with some creeping death that has just been dispersed by a shopper who is now scrambling for an escape. You'll always see them look back when they get to the end of the aisle just to see if anyone has fallen victim to their air bomb and when your eyes meet it's awkward and you hope you don't see them again ever in the span of your lifetime.

Today however was a first for me.

Even though I had passed the ice cream aisle twice fully intent on NOT buying any, I finally could no longer fight "Ben & Jerry's" siren song. I broke away from the end of the line and went barreling back towards the freezer section to liberate a pint of "Everything But the Kitchen Sink". I do not lie when I tell you that there have been times when tears of joy will fill my eyes as I consume it. It's my heroin.

I plowed down the aisle pushing my cart as though it were full of live explosives and I was attacking the enemy. Only because I realized that if I slowed even a step, rational thought may have taken over and told me to stop this madness and get out of there.

Just as I passed a very nice looking woman in her late fifty's or so.....I heard it. It sounded so bad that I didn't even think it was real for a second. One of those terribly loud, wet sounding ones where you're quite sure the person has messed themselves. But that wasn't the worst part.

I'm not sure if it was because she was caught off guard or if it was just that powerful...but she lost her balance. She farted so hard that she almost fell. Her right foot slid out to the side of her cart but luckily she was able to catch herself and was fine. For some reason though she looked at me with a snarl on her face like it was my fault. Like I MADE her break such an intense wind that it almost knocked her off her feet. She didn't try to get away or pretend it didn't happen. She wanted me to know about it and I think she wanted an apology.

I whipped my head back around as quickly as possible, ran to the freezer door and grabbed the first pint I saw. I'm not sure why I was embarrassed. She's the one who damn near had a blow out.

But anyways I ended up trying a new flavor.....

macadamia nut ben 7 jerry%2527s Pictures, Images and Photos

Thank you Jackass-fart lady. It's freakin' awesome!


  1. Well that's excellent. I'm just doin' it for the L.O.L.'s my good man.

  2. I thought you were leading up to a story about how YOU were the public farter, but I realized after walking into a Hollywood Video covered in your dog's feces, such a story would've been anti-climactic.

  3. I have to say, you are definitely gifted. Between the group home "attack" and this I truly thought I was going to piss my pants, you write it all so perfectly I could picture the whole scene and I laughed until tears rolled down my face! Thank you!! Thank you! I needed that laugh for sure!