Tuesday, July 7, 2009

I Got What Was Coming To Me- And It Was Worth It

While I wouldn't consider myself a mean spirited person, I can't deny that I don't enjoy playing a good prank if the opportunity knocks. Yesterday...... it beat my door down. One of Medical Assistants I work with (Ravina) called in on our backline and even though I answered by saying

"(The name of our Practice) this is Heidi, how may I help you?"

she still thought she was calling ANOTHER Dr.s office. Here's a transcript of our conversation and bear in mind that Ravina is an older Romanian woman with a very thick accent that sounds like Count Dracula's.

Uhhh yessss... I am calling from Dr. Silverman's office and I am calling you to see about where the records for a mutual patient we requested were? Because we have not received them.

Heidi (polite)
What is your name Maam?

Ravina (hesitant)
Ummm... my name is Ravina.

Heidi (sarcastic)
Well Ravina, why don't you check your BUTT because that's where I faxed them to.


Ravina (shocked)
X-cuse me?

Heidi (venomous)
You heard me! I said check your butt! And another thing....we don't like your kind around here and you had better NEVER call this office again! You understand me?

Ravina (angry)
Looook....I don't know what I have done to offend you but you have no right to talk to me this way! I will not stand....

Heidi (condescending)
Ravina! It's me Heidi.


Ravina (stupid)
Oh my God. You got me so bad. You will make fun of me for months and I will deserve it.

Since it happened late yesterday, I didn't get to re-tell this little gem until today and Boy howdy-did I re-tell the shit out of it. I told EVERYBODY. All of our boss', some of the doctors and good bit of the staff. I told it and I laughed and I laughed and I told it. I do a pretty good "Ravina" so I was able to sell her part pretty easily.

Fuck it was funny. I reveled in the many "ha ha's" I derived from her idiocy well until after lunch. At one point I thought "maybe this is too much" but then I thought "well shit, she did say that I'd make fun of her for months and she was right so...."

I neglected to mention that Ravina is a little creepy. In fact one of the girls who shares a station with her told me not long ago (jokingly) "If I ever turn up dead-Ravina did it" so I did start to question my judgement a bit. Especially when I finally ran into her in the head honcho's office after lunch and she looked at me like she hated me but then said "Oh you crazy person" and gave me this weird hug. That's really the only way I can describe it. Weird.

About 20 minutes later I was looking for a bunch of charts I needed for billing problems and had squatted down in front of one of the two shelf, steel, mobile filing carts. I was just thinking to myself how comfortable my new white cargo-capri pants were when all at once I begin to lose my balance. I leaned back into a steel filing cabinet but caught myself before I fell all the way on my ass.

"Whoa...that was a close one" I thought. I mean I could've fell out right near checkout in front of a bunch of patients. What I didn't realize was that when I hurriedly stood up so I wouldn't fall, my new comfy pants caught the edge of the filing cabinet and it slit them like a razor.

Now let me just preface this by saying that back when I lost a bunch of weight four years ago, one of my friends used to torture me about my pantie lines. She said it looked like I had four asses and that since I wasn't a Ham anymore that I should move to thongs. I refused because I think they feel disgusting but I did decide to try "commando" and I had to admit that it did make a big difference in how my clothes looked.

So I think you see where this going...... anyways I felt the draft IMMEDIATELY. I reached my hand around and felt a chunk of my butt hanging out. I clamped my hand tightly over the tear and started backing away slowly. It was Kwantina who busted me.

"Heidi, what the fuck are you doin' girl?"

Wasn't long before I had a circle of my asshole co-workers standing around me laughing hysterically as I confessed my ass was hanging out because I didn't have underwear on. Oh dude, these bitches were relentless. I thought when the skinny white trash chick who works up front got called "Trailer Park Barbie" that was the worst they could do. I was wrong.

The next thing I know I'm in the Nursing Supervisors office being given a pair of her extra underwear. They were brand new but a size 3X and when I asked for suspenders she got a little pissy. Either way-I left early today.

Now I can't really say if it was just pure Karma OR if that vampire put a curse on me with that weird hug but I won't deny that I got what I deserved. I definitely took it too far and if I'm being honest, for that amount of laughs, I'd do it again.


  1. What's the expression? Oh, I know: photos or it didn't happen! Surely SOMEBODY had a camera-equipped mobile!

  2. Romanian? Is there any chance Ravina could be a Roma (i.e. Gypsy), and put a curse on you?

    If she's Romanian AND weird, my vote is for Gypsy, in which case you pissed off the wrong Eastern European.

    And nurses bring extra underwear to work?

  3. I'm with Steve re Gypsy and nurses underwear - I also echo Flinthart's comment re photo!

  4. Wow, got you ass handed to you, so to speak.

    You realise this calls for escalation is the prank war.

  5. Flinhart-Actually I put the granny panties on OVER my pants at first and there were several camera phone shots of that. I looked like I had been struck by lightning.

    Steve-EXACTlY a curse! Especially when I thought about the fact that I said "Why don't you check your butt because that's where I faxed them to" and then I tear my pants on a filing cabinet that has a fax machine sitting on it and my ass fell out. Coincidence?

    Lermontov- Why that heifer has so many pairs of massive bloomers in her office is a disgusting issue that resurfaces for her from time to time. Doubt you really want to know. Hahaha.

    Barnesm-Killer pun dude! And I think I'm going to chill out on the pranks for a minute. I may even apologize to Ravina today so nothing else befalls me.