Saturday, June 13, 2009


10 questions I would love to know the answers to right now at this very moment.

1. What should we do to North Korea if they don't chill?

2. Will there still be a "middle class" in this country by the the year 2020?

3. Where should I go to find the perfect dress for a wedding next Saturday that will be cool yet have long enough sleeves to cover my beefy arm-aroni's?

4. Will the Red Wings loss be the final crushing blow to what's left of the spirit of Detrioters?

5. How can anyone NOT believe the Holocaust happened?

6. Did David Carradine (Grasshopper) really just die while hanging himself from his nut sack?

7. If Six Flags would've gotten a new ad campaign that was better than a dancing buffoon in an old man's mask, would they have generated more revenue?

8. What would happen if Dodge/Chrysler said "Piss off! Were going to start making all steel cars with fins again!"

9. Do people who voted for Obama BECAUSE he was black realize they are racist?

10. After watching "The Wrestler" last night, how did Sean Penn beat out Mickey Rourke for the Oscar?


  1. I'm thinking the answer to 1) is pretty simple. A paradrop: General Limbaugh's Finest Right-Wing Media Brigade. From what I understand of the General's incredibly distinguished career, between himself, Bill O'Reilly, maybe that Hannity chap and one or two others, they should be able to clean up a tin-pot country like North Korea in no time at all. Maybe even turn it into an ideal model of the perfect Limbaughian democracy.

  2. Yes, yes! Your idea rocks on several levels. Rush could load'em up on Oxycontin's and then let Hannity and O'Reilly preach to them until they're lulled into comas. Meanwhile South Korea could just move in and set up shop.

    Also that means the U.S. would get rid of 3 of our most retarded radicals. However we'll have to scoop up some liberal extremists and drop'em off to make it fair. I'm thinking a visit to the ACLU would nab a couple and they can certainly have Nancy Pelosi's stupid ass.

    Hannity would say "Mr. Flinthart-you'd be a great American. Thank you sir."

  3. 1. Wave pork chops across the DMZ. The hungry border guards will throw open the gates and run across to get them. When they set off all the mines, we can just walk in and take over.

    2. Yes. We'll be the ones battling SkyNet.

    3. Town Center Mall in Kennesaw. Functional, for the fashionable suburbanite.

    4. God I hope so. Here's what the Onion had to say about that last week:

    Go Devils!

    5. Armenians believe this, because they think the only holocaust was the one where the Turks killed all their people. They have Holocaust Envy.

    6. Have some respect, his brother Louis Skolnick is still grieving.

    7. Like what, Hooters girls? Maybe.

    8. Would they all look like the car built for Homer Simpson?

    9. Probably not. Similar denial as the Armenians.

    10. Personally, I think they should cease handing out Oscars until remakes like Land of the Lost and Clash of the Titans stop getting filmed.

  4. Detroit has had so many bad things happen to it this past decade that I don't think anything can really bother them anymore, though it sucked they lost.

    Steve: The Devils still have a hockey team? Good to know.

  5. Steve- All of your answers certainly seem plausible to me. I can only imagine that Holocaust envy would be a bitch. And hardly anyone ever seems to remember Robert Carradine but they always bring up that "vagina-face" Keith.

    Cartguy-Hey man, look at hands! No but seriously thanks for being so cool to me. And your right that they've been beaten down for so long that it shouldn't matter but I remember the year they won the Cup for the first time in forever back in "96" and I went downtown for the parade.

    I had never seen so many happy white people in downtown Detroit in my entire life. It didn't even seem real. So I guess I meant the final blow to "white" Detroiters. I think the "blacks" final spirit crusher was Kwame Kilpatrick. I don't say African-American unless you were born in fucking Africa and are now a U.S. citizen. I realize that it's childish but that's just how I roll.

  6. Cartguy, so what's worse, getting swept by the Devils in 95, or being up by 2 games, and then up 3-2, only to lose in 7 games, with the other team's "star" on the bench for most of game 7?

    Too soon?

    (If it was David Carradine, I would say no, but I know sports tragedies tend to hurt longer, I know this from experience. I'm still bitter about Greg Jefferies' performance from the 88 Mets).

  7. Oh, and the surrealness of such a large gathering of European-Americans in Detroit can't be any weirder than when the Devils had their Stanley Cup parade in 1995 (you know, the one where they swept Detroit 4-0) and held it in the parking lot of the Meadowlands sports complex. As big a population as NJ has, the one city that has the ideal location for a ticker tape parade is the one city you wouldn't want to go to. The rest of the state is more of a suburban environment.

    Mind you, the Meadowlands ended up being a great place to do it. It was like a giant block party with 10's of thousands of your closest friends. The Cup was flown in on a helicopter sitting in the open door, and flew over the crowd a couple of times before landing.

  8. Steve- you are quite the "sassy-pants" when people start raggin' on the Devils eh? I'm starting to picture Elaine's boyfriend "Puddy" on Seinfeld during the "Face Painter" episode. Hahaha.

    But yeah I imagine the similarities in the crowd where in synch only...and I'm goin' out on a limb here... I bet you Jersey folk had more Aqua Net offenders. But everything I know about Jersey I learned from the Soprano's so fugghet about it.

  9. No, in 1995 the women allowed gravity to take hold of the hair...unlike Texas, where they continue to try and fight it with hair spray. The Caesar haircut, however, was being revolutionized at that time. Thankfully, I was transferred to Atlanta just a few years later.

    And yes, short of the face painting (I would do it, but I could never convince enough friends to do it with me), I'm exactly like Puddy at a hockey game.

  10. Heidi:

    No hands indeed! Hey, your writing speaks for itself and you should be proud of it. Like I said, there's lots of cool people around here. I see you found another Atlanta resident!

    I hear what you're saying about Detroit. I just think the whole state of Michigan has become numb, that's all. Detroit may be the epicenter but we all feel it. So when Detroit blows a seemingly "in the bag" championship, there's kind of a feeling of inevitability and, "Yeah, what else is new?" Everyone is losing their job, our roads suck, the loss of the auto industry destroys tax revenue for the state, crime is up, yeah, yeah.


    No need to get fussy, now. Detroit did blow the championship, no doubt. Still, I'd rather have lost in the championship game than get bumped out of the first round by a team that was swept by the Penguins. And while Crosby may have been hurt, so was our star, Datsyuk, and he was out for more than just one game. But no excuses - Detroit should have overcome and they had plenty of opportunities to do just that.

    And no, I don't remember the '95 series that well, and it wasn't because I was young. You see, when you're in the finals as often as we are, it's hard to keep track of all of 'em. Sorry. I still think your three championships are cute. Maybe one day you'll catch up to our eleven.

  11. Detroit = Original 6
    NJ = been around only since 74 (in NJ since 81)

    So our 3 in that many years isn't a bad ratio. We're better than the Rangers or Leafs. Or, anyone except the Red Wings, Montreal, Edmonton and the Islanders, ratio-wise.

    FYI, the 95 series should be memorable. That was your first Presidents Trophy ever, and your first conference championship since the 60's. You forget there was a very good reason they were called the Dead Wings. The 97 Cup is their first since your dad was a kid.

    But, I'm not here to make fun of Detroit. They have a solid team, good coaching, and a lot of very classy players. Honestly, I'm jealous that they have Rafalski, I wish economics had allowed us to keep him.

  12. Out of every conversation I had thought might spring up from this list I gotta say....I never thought it would turn into a good old fashioned sports debate.

    This pleases me.

  13. I am also very happy to debate the Holocaust and David Carradine. I will only debate the fact that the Holocaust DID happen though, but I'm willing to play Devils Advocate on either the pro or con that Carradine liked to get freaky with his genitals.