Canoe Trippin'

Recently I rode a horse for the first time in AGES. I can't really remember when the last time was and maybe it'll come to me later but I can't imagine what would have made me not ride for this long.

Being out there on "Toby" riding in an absoloutely breathtaking open field of bright yellow buttercups, completely encased by the lush Blue Ridge Mountains....well... I could'a died in that moment and that would've been just fine.

The weather was immaculate. Sunny, breezy, low seventies. We plodded along after our guide and within 15 minutes I was totally connected with this horse. All of our movements coincided and I began to feel intensely powerful but at the same time it was tempered with an egg wash of vulnerability.

There's just the steady knowledge that you have control over this animal but that you also have NO control. Kind of a rush. Especially when we rode them into the river. I felt like such a badass. Well at least like an extra in "Tombstone".

Afterwards I started thinking about other stuff I haven't done in years that I used to enjoy. The first thing that popped into my mind was canoeing.

Back in my early twenties when I lived in Michigan, a group of us would take a six hour canoe trip every summer. No rapids or anything. Just a peaceful river that you could get completely wasted on as you glided through the murky blue witnessing water.

For 3 years it was the same crew and always perfect. Big bag of dope, cooler of booze and laughs ensued. Well that is until the last hour and a half when you're totally trashed and trying to paddle a canoe as fast as you can because you've been in a canoe for 4 1/2 hours and your fucking over it but you never seem to remember that part.

However the 4th and final year that I went, my extremely fat and obnoxious roommate Sharon invited herself along. She was just like that. Clueless and careless about other's feelings and so certain that everyone wanted her around. I could hardly stand her but she charged me super cheap rent and I really liked her kid.


My canoe crew were in no way excited and subsequently spent alot more time farther down the river from me than ever before. Usually we coasted side by side passing a giant pair of stolen hemostats with a lit doob hangin' from them.

Right from the get go she had trouble getting into the canoe because she was a mastodon and so the decision was made for her to sit FACING me in the bow.

Meaning- Her fat ass wouldn't be paddling.

Twenty minutes into it I just kept praying some giant magic snake would drop down from a tree limb and bite her potato-like face off.

Of course that didn't happen but because my "buddies" had paddled so far ahead and I couldn't hear their warning and because "two-tons" was facing me instead of looking at the water, I didn't know there was a giant rock sticking up in the middle of the river just ahead.

"Duuuuuude!!!" she screamed as her body lurched forward violently as we crashed into our very own iceberg. And going by how dramatic she was acting, we might as well have been on the fucking Titanic.

She had her fat toes wrapped under the middle seat when we hit and I guess they all got kinda jammed up. Not broken, just stubbed. It probably did hurt but fuck her. She was a lazy bitch who should've been paddling.

And it probably didn't help that the other ships in our convoy were watching as they kinda figured what was to be and were all laughing with raw abandon.

"Fuck you guys!!!" Sharon screamed in theatrical agony.

"Hey man, look, here....just have a beer." I snaked my hand into the cooler as fast as I could and handed her a long neck of "shut the hell up".

"What the hell is wrong with you dude? Were you not paying attention? Jesus, I never would've came had I known you were going cripple me."

Ohhhhh... urge to kill. Urge to kill.

"Take a big hit from Karina in the next canoe and just let IT sink to the bottom of this river before you smash her skull in with your paddle."

I repeated that three times in my head before I actually could complete the action.

My friends feeling sorry for me now hung closer and toked down as I started to deplete our cooler resources in rapid succession.

"Slow down dude" I heard her say a couple of times but I was too far gone at that point.


Sharon had brought the the thunder and now I was gettin' "Willy Nelson" drunk in order to try and enjoy the trip that I looked forward to every year and that SHE was now completely shitting on.

I remember I had to pee like bad and all of a sudden and since I was almost blithering at this point I hollered that fact out to my mates.

"Ahoy! I have to piss!"

There wasn't really a good sand bar that was close to pull the boats up on so it was decided that we would pull up to a chunky bank line and the front person would get out and drag the canoe up the bank so the person in the rear could get out.

Now even though I had just watched my friends do this, for some reason in my drunken highness, I didn't think this applied to me. I just assumed that I could get out of this canoe sitting in 4 feet of water and I stated that fact.

I'm told I said something to the effect of "Well, I'm not waiting on all this. I'm getting out now" like I was Frank Sinatra in a cab stuck in traffic.

Sounds right.

"No! NO!"

They all pleaded with me to amend my decision and made what sounded like odd statements at the time such as "It's not possible" and "you can't do that".

Of course I could. Those bitches were crazy.

I still remember every hard line in Sharon's face as she snatched up two wine coolers and glared at me with this "Your gonna do this aren't ya?" look that still makes me laugh everytime I think about it.

And so with the determination of a fired bullett, over went my left leg (no stopping now) and at a snail's pace.... so did everything else.

The canoe tipped in slow motion as Sharon made no attempt to even swim out. She just clutched those bottles closely to her chest and stared bloody daggers at me as she was put upon her side by my created inertia and quite gracefully (for a sasquatch) floated out into the river. It was almost historical looking.

I was drunk but looking back I think the reason that I got SO drunk was so that I'd do something just that stupid. That way my old roomie would be put off in such a way that she would definitely never ask to join my "real" friends and I on any other adventure EVER.

It totally worked.