That Night I Ruined Race Relations

“When the hell is this shit gonna kick in?”

We had dropped about 35 minutes prior and even though I told him that it took anywhere from 45 minutes to an hour, Terry was getting mega antsy. I reiterated this statement again which seemed to only serve as an irritation.

“I mean I thought we was gon’ be laughin’ and shit. So far all I feel is the weed.”

I had a premonition that regret might be involved after taking on this project. When Terry came up to me at work the week before and said “Yo man, I wanna try some of that white people shit you always talkin’ bout. That acid shit. Hook it up!” I should’ve immediately told him it was a bad idea. That I’m not a drug Shaman. That I didn’t think it was compatible with his humongous ego or vigorous “ho” schedule. Terry rarely slept. Most nights were spent creeping from one hood rat’s house to the next. There’s no way LSD would be conducive to his habits. I should’ve said all those things but goddammit if I didn’t think this would be hilarious.

I chose “Demon Knight” from my extensive collection of VHS tapes. I figured since he hated horror movies, it would freak him out the most. He brought 3 blunts and we were already on the second one when it hit him. Billy Zane had just conjured up a fresh crop of Hell Spawn and I noticed Terry trying to hide his eyes. There was absolutely no way he was going to let on that he was scared though.

“Yo, this is stupid man. I mean how you gon’ grow some fuck’in Demons out the ground?”

“Just wait man” I pleaded. “Something funny is about to happen. Keep Watching.”

He listened to me. What a rube! His hands were under his legs now, making sure they wouldn’t block his view and make him look like a punk ass. Then the demons attacked, chasing our victims back into the old Church/Motel which, actually, was one of the least funny parts in the whole movie. About this time Terry involuntarily began kicking wildly from the overstuffed love seat into the air, screaming 

“Oh Shit! Oh Shit!!!”

YESSSSS. This is what I’d hoped for and it was fucking magical. I laughed so hard that I slunk off the couch on to the old shag carpet and just rolled around for a few moments until I heard him yelling at me.

“Ay! Ay man! What is this shit dude? What the fuck did you give me!??”

I actually had to pinch myself to stop the howling. I couldn’t breathe but the whole thing was going sideways, he was super pissed which was definitely not good for my trip and if I got derailed we were doomed. I had to reel it back in and get him on board again.

“Look dude, you’re gonna be fine. Don’t fight it, just go along for the ride.”

“Nah fuck that Steph! There’s sumthin wrong with my piece. Those Demons looked like they comin’ out the screen and shit!”

I continued to try and be a voice of reason.

“That’s cool. That’s what it’s supposed to do!”

Something else crazy happened in the movie causing Terry to abruptly jump up, slap his hand on the power button, ending my torture session.

“Ya’ll like this? Seein’ crazy ass shit??? I thought we was just gon’ laugh, maybe see some colors or whatever. I didn’t know ….fuck this. How long does it last??”

“You got like 6 to 8 hours before you should drive. I told you that. Who’s “Ya’ll by the way?”

“Ya’ll!” he projected loudly. “White People!”

“Oh wow…. Come on! I don’t know. I like it though. Just settle down, I’ll find a comedy to put in.”

“Well I can’t stay no 6 hours. Told Trina I’d come through around 4 after her man leave fo’ work.”

I tried to explain that he wasn’t allowing nearly enough time for the drug to run its course and that it would be downright dangerous for him to climb behind the wheel of his Accord anytime in the near future.

“I’m goin’ to the bathroom, spramp some water on my face, try and fix this shit. We on the out’s after this one Steph. You did your boy wrong.”

“Did you just say “spramp”?” I ignored his threats of terminating our friendship and decided to dig in deeper.  He didn’t want to, but a giggle escaped from the hole in the middle of his perfectly manicured goatee before he skulked up the stairs.

Using the down time wisely, I chose my recent purchase of “Dumb and Dumber” as our next viewing pleasure. In the meantime, all sorts of muffled cry’s and whining lilted down from the upstairs bathroom. I was just about to go up and check on him and then the door opened. It probably took about 5 minutes for him to descend the 10 stairs and when he reached the bottom, he’d gone as pale as possible for someone of his dark pallor. The regret was kicking in just as hard as the acid now.

“Terry! You alright man??!!”

I grabbed him by the arm, helping him back to the loveseat.

“Nah man. Not at all. I was takin’ a piss and I looked at the shower curtain and those fuckin’ fish started swimmin’ and eatin’ each other and shit. So then I was like “fuck this” and I looked over at the mirror and my face man...it was crazy. Stretching out, coming back in. I looked like a cartoon….like one of them muh fuckers on Fat Albert…the big toothed one…I don’t like this at all.”

Now I just felt bad. I grabbed him some orange juice and somehow, I don’t know, he fell asleep.  It’s the only time on the many occasions I dropped acid that I witnessed someone nap at the height of tripping. The whole incident was so sobering that I spent the next 2 hours splitting my time between t.v. and checking Terry’s pulse. Around 3 A.M. his inner cock-clock must have went off as he sat straight up, wide awake.

“I gotta go.”

Ignoring every horrific scenario I explained that could happen, he left and stumbled out into the night. That’s just how much pull illicit poon had on him. Terry would risk his life for any woman willing to get her ass beat over bangin’ him. That was his power source. I worried about him all night and since this was before cell phones, I paged him every couple hours until he finally called back around 10 the next morning.

“So are we still friends?” I asked sincerely.

“Yeah man. We still cool. But I ain’t never doin’ that shit again. When I was walkin’ across your parking lot, I heard somebody walking behind me so I started runnin’ and then I heard’em comin’ faster so I grab my keys out my pocket as fast as I could and then I realized…I was wearin’ that Miami Hurricanes warm up suit.  I was hearin’ the material rubbing between my thighs makin’ that shooshin’ noise. Weren’t nobody chasin’ me. Bout had a fuckin’ heart attack.”

I died laughing.

“Shiiiiit…I got to Trina’s and couldn’t even fuck the bitch. Never realized how much she looked like James Brown before, blinded by that ass I guess. Might be one good thing that came outta this.”

We did remain cool for the next few years until I moved away. However, Terry never missed a chance to tell people his harrowing tale and it was always accompanied by the pearl of wisdom he gleaned from that night.

“That’s why I don’t trust white people.”