Saturday, June 20, 2009

My first GHETTO wedding

Whoa. Wow. Uhhhhhhhhhhh.......yeah.

That was THE MOST ghetto fabulous wedding that I have ever bore witness to.

Now seriously, I've been one of the only white people if not the only white person at several different functions in my past. I've always had a strong interest in rap/hip-hop since my first "Run DMC" album as well as pimped out classic cars. Plus if you live in Detroit and you don't have SOME black friends, then you probably never leave the house.

I promise I'm not trying to convey that I'm cool or anything, just that I've got some experience with hangin' with black folk. And honestly some of'em ARE stereotypes but because they have alot of other good qualities like being funny or just similar interests, I overlook it. Hell I'M a stereo type! One of the chicks I work with told me yesterday that I'm a typical white person because I'm always early.

And let me also state that I come from just a teensy step above white trash ilk so I would never classify myself as a snob by any means.

O.k. that being said, let's get into it shall we?

So today my husband and I attended a wedding for some friends of ours.
D. and Kwantina (yep, Kwantina) have been together for like 9 years and have two kids so it's not like it's really a big deal but they still treated it that way. Or I guess I should say...they did the best they could.

D. and Kwantina are in the aforementioned category of "friends of mine whose stereotypical behavior I ignore."

Case in point-They were given a puppy several months ago that was just a cute little mutt.
D. was laid off from his job so they said they didn't have the money to take the dog to the vet when it got sick. It died. Had they told anyone We would've loaned them the money! But as I said it died and D. turned around and spent $300.00 on a blue pit-bull that they have not a clue how to raise and that I'm quite sure will end up biting someone's face off.

And just to let you know, I was HAPPILY married in a stair well of a courthouse so it's not like I had some big fuckin' retarded wedding. However I have been someone's maid of honor before as well as a guest at several of them sooooo.....I at least know the basic formula for a good one.

This was the most slapped together shit I've ever seen. Nothing...NOTHING went as planned. The invitations said that it started at 12:00 noon but it didn't actually get going till 12:30 and people were still coming in at 12:35.

The pastor had the phonetic abilities of Michael Irvin while the decorations appeared to have come from the dollar store. I sat on "cracker corner" with the other few whitie's from the job. I didn't mention it but Kwantina and I met at work. We did have one Afghani in the mix and one black chick (Kandy) who claimed she was our "street cred". If she was our street cred then we were in trouble. We call her "Hooks" because she sounds just like that character from the "Police Academy" movies.

Let me just say that my work group looked like WE should have been the bride and groom's family going by the way we were dressed versus the relatives. The bride's mother (who is sweet) wore one of those long, hippie dresses that are so trendy and inappropriate for a 55 year old fat woman with no bra. Yeah....classy.

The music was good though. (Stereotype) The dude they got to sing looked like he was straight out of a Keith Sweat video circa 1988 but still had some killer pipes.

But the best was when the pastor indicated for the groom to say ....
"With this WING, I thee wed."

Oh and when he said "let this couple be blessed", Sister Ham Shanks in the back hollered out "Yes Lawd!Yes! Bless'em chile!" I squeezed my husbands knee as I heard the muffled laughter escape his pursed lips.

Scanning around the crowd I saw alot of folks who looked like they've lived some hard lives and believe it or not, I just didn't think D. and Kwantina came from that rough of a back ground. My husband and I have hung out with them on several occasions and we always have a good time. They both have great senses of humor, generally are up to date on current events and we all share a passion for football. Kwantina is the only other woman at my job who actually knows what a "full back" does. The rest of the women who "claim" to like football really just like to wear "Georgia Bulldogs" merchandise.

During the lighting of the candles they knocked them over like 4 freakin' times. I'm pretty sure that even the pastor was high. The whole ceremony lasted for about 6 minutes and then we were instructed to drive over to the Marriott for the reception. Wanna talk about the lamest was that they made us all wait out in the hallway standing around drinking tea for about 45 minutes before we were even allowed in the ball room. The tunes were cookin' though and all us work folk and my hubby had a blast people watchin' with jaws dropped open in disbelief at some of the fashion choices. Lots of gold and lots of things that were WAY too small.

Once we were finally let into the ballroom we waited ANOTHER 45 minutes before the bride and groom came in. Killer tunes though yet again as we waited. Lots of Frankie Beverly and Maze, Isley Brothers, Teddy Pendergrass....much more soulful stuff than your average caucasian union.

Kwantina and D. both looked great which made it all the more puzzling as to where they learned how to dress. Everyone else was either dressed far too casual -Playboy ball caps, shorts or 1980's dressed up. Meaning it looked like they raided Wesley Snipes wardrobe closet from the set of "New Jack City".

Anywho, the mike was given to cousin Idiot who says "Hey there, somebody just gay-me dis and said I should give a prayer and unless there someenelse here more spiritual...????"

Her prayer as best I can remember....

"Heavenly Father we ask that you travel in time and bless D. and Kwantina to this room where we are welcome and happy/ Lord bless the spiritual and thank you Lord. Amen".

Apparently the Lord is Sam Beckett from "Quantum Leap."

This is who they let M.C. the rest of the wedding man. Fo' real.

And Oh my goodness how f'd up was the best man's speech? Horribly so. He looked like T-Pain and basically said that if D. messes up he's gonna swoop in and get dat. Then he offered these pearls of wisdom "Ya know they say that the love eventually fades but if you believe in God you can make it work and stay together. It's all about longevity now baby."

Which made me want to play hype man and stand up and say "You're crazy for this one Best Man!" all Jay-Z like.

The food was o.k. except for the chicken that I think may still have clucked if I poked it hard enough going by how pink it was inside.

It was very touching to see the father/daughter-mother/son dances. Idiot's introduction of those were so confusing however that I thought she was telling us that our seat cushions could also be used as a floatation device.

Then finally they asked everyone to dance and you know at this point I'm thinking "well, at least this'll be good". Totally stereo typing again I KNOW but for some reason they started playing shitty, gay stuff and NO ONE would dance. And look, that's one stereo type that has always been true in my experience. Any large gathering of black folk that I've ever attended where music is being played, mutha fuckaz is going to dance and I always enjoy it. Not even that? I was over it.

It's as though someone had read a cliff's note on how weddings were supposed to go and that's how this thing was ran. The music stopped abruptly for stupid announcements every 5 minutes and on the last one of "C'mon on yall, Kwantina fittin' to throw da bouquet" my entire table "cracker corner" + 1 Afghani+black Kandy snuck out the door and ran for our cars.

As we were leaving someone heard Aunt Pearl yell "Look Yall, Day Leavin!"

Thanks for puttin' us on Front street Aunt Pearl. Now can you go find a shawl and cover up those 60 year old titties? Thanks.

To be fair I've got some pretty gamey critters in my family as well and I probably wouldn't want any of my friends or co-workers to meet them. BUT that's also why I did the courthouse thing because I didn't want some horrid spectacle of craziness.

Who knows? Maybe it is snotty in a way especially if D. and Kwantina didn't notice how bad it was or if they were having a good time. Maybe I should care less about such things.

I just think if your going to try and put something like that together that it should be half way decent or why bother doing it?


  1. Was the White Castle a stock photo, or did the wedding party actually hit that on the way to the Marriot?

    If the latter, I think they would've been slightly more classy if they had gone to the Varsity. Wedding parties aren't exactly unusual there, so I've heard (at the one near me in Kennesaw, yes, but not the one near Tech).

    I have to give a reading at my brother's wedding in August, up in NYC (it's yet to be made clear if this is a biblical reading, or something from a Tom Hanks romantic comedy). I asked him if I could drop the line from the Princess Bride, and expound on the joys of "Wuv....twu wuv." He and his fiancee told me "go for it."

    And is it safe to say that if there was a family wedding back home, the DJ would play "A Country Boy Can Survive" by Hank, and all the men would nod their heads in agreement throughout? And then get misty eyed when Freebird was played?

  2. Flinthart- Thanks mate! I hope you were entertained.

    Steve- Yeah, it's stock but the Varsity would've been an UPGRADE from the Marriot's food. In fact today as all of us Harpies at the job re-hashed the event we all agreed it would've been much better if they would've just WENT for casual.

    Ya know, get married in the backyard...maybe have a BBQ afterwards and play some tunes. I mean they've got TWO fuckin' kids for Christ sakes. I think it would've seemed alot less like they were half assing it and would've came off as being more sincere.

    A reading eh? That sounds suspect. You should monologue Buscemi's toast from The Wedding Singer. There won't be a dry eye in the room.

    Close on the "Hank" but it would most likely be anything by Waylon Jennings to cajole agreement amongst the mountain men.

    And who doesn't get misty on "Freebird"? Well I'll tell ya. The heartless- that's who.

  3. I had a backyard wedding. We would've broken out the grill, but my mom drew the line at that and shelled out for a caterer (this is the wedding version of husbands screwing up on purpose in order to get the wife to say "fine, I'll just do it myself").

    Worst wedding I've ever been to....19 year old bride with 3 year old son, 21 year old groom (not the father), in a Baptist church. When I found out there was no alcohol, I left the reception early. They were very good friends of mine though. The church was paid for by the bride's mom, so it pretty much had to be there. The groom came up to me and said, "By all means you have my permission to blow this joint and hit a bar on the way home."

  4. Oh, and as for Freebird, I once sat 10 feet from the organist at a Thrashers game. By halfway through the 2nd period, I was yelling at him to play "Freebird." I'm pretty sure he hated my guts. Him, and everyone else in that section.

    Just a word of warning of what to expect when the Devils are in town.

  5. Must (gasp,) get breath,...can't stop laughing....
    how did you get through that without laughing your arse off.

    Love the 'Quantum Leap' reference

  6. Steve- I've never thought to beg a hockey organist to play Freebird. Now that you mention it, I think it could be kinda badass. PLEASE, if you ever accomplish this you MUST record and upload. I saw "Flight of the Conchords" at the Fox a couple of months ago and some frat boy in the audience begged the guys to do it. Sadly they refused however they did humor a request for "Down Under" by Men At Work. It was pretty sweet.

    Barnesm-Cool, the ultimate compliment for me is laughter. And Quantum Leap was a good freakin' show wasn't it?

  7. Quantum leap was a GREAT freakin show but should be watched in at three episode blocks, or for preference as a marathon to concentrate the cheestastic splendor.

  8. I too loved Quantum Leap, and I too have heard someone pray to the Lord Jesus to travel through time. So, next time I hear that, it's likely that I will wet myself.

    If they continue to sell beer at Thrashers games, then it's probable that I will ask their organist to play Freebird (now that I know the organist sits out in the open in the Upper Bowl, front row, center ice). I could see my 10 year old daughter making that request as well. When we went to Disney World a few years ago, she asked Donald Duck why he wasn't wearing any pants.

  9. Steve-Your daughter sounds like a funny kid.

    I had no idea so many people liked the "Leap". Sadly another popular vehicle for Scott Bakula cannot be found.

  10. I'm positive Murphy Brown hung on for a few more years BECAUSE of Bakula, not in spite of him. Surely there is some show out there for him. Unfortunately, it'll probably be on the SciFi network where only a cult following of people will watch it, and then talk about it at DragonCon.

    And my daughter can be funny at sporting events. She has no problem cheering for the Devils when surrounded by 10,000 Thrashers fans. But, the Thrashers fans generally have no (figurative) teeth and there are no repercussions for cheering for the visiting team in Atlanta. By the time she's 16, I'm sure she'll be chanting, "Kovalchuk takes it up the ass, doo-dah, doo-dah."

  11. Yeah, you're right about that but for the most part I think he's pretty flat. Like I enjoyed "Lord of Illusions" but it wasn't BECAUSE of Bakula. But it wasn't in spite of him either ya know? It just didn't really make a difference to me.

    Yes, I am this dorky.

  12. Never saw that one. I checked IMDB, and I have to go down about 15 names before I recognize one (Bakula's), so I'm guessing this wasn't a blockbuster?

  13. neigh, twas not. But it's pretty gross and creepy and worth watching once. Especially Daniel Von Bargen. He's excellent.

  14. Hilarious! I thought I had attended some truly ghetto weddings before. Apparently I was mistaken.