Whoa. Wow. Uhhhhhhhhhhh.......yeah.
That was THE MOST ghetto fabulous wedding that I have ever bore witness to.
Now seriously, I've been one of the only white people if not the only white person at several different functions in my past. I've always had a strong interest in rap/hip-hop since my first "Run DMC" album as well as pimped out classic cars. Plus if you live in Detroit and you don't have SOME black friends, then you probably never leave the house.
I promise I'm not trying to convey that I'm cool or anything, just that I've got some experience with hangin' with black folk. And honestly some of'em ARE stereotypes but because they have alot of other good qualities like being funny or just similar interests, I overlook it. Hell I'M a stereo type! One of the chicks I work with told me yesterday that I'm a typical white person because I'm always early.
And let me also state that I come from just a teensy step above white trash ilk so I would never classify myself as a snob by any means.
O.k. that being said, let's get into it shall we?
So today my husband and I attended a wedding for some friends of ours.
D. and Kwantina (yep, Kwantina) have been together for like 9 years and have two kids so it's not like it's really a big deal but they still treated it that way. Or I guess I should say...they did the best they could.
D. and Kwantina are in the aforementioned category of "friends of mine whose stereotypical behavior I ignore."
Case in point-They were given a puppy several months ago that was just a cute little mutt.
D. was laid off from his job so they said they didn't have the money to take the dog to the vet when it got sick. It died. Had they told anyone We would've loaned them the money! But as I said it died and D. turned around and spent $300.00 on a blue pit-bull that they have not a clue how to raise and that I'm quite sure will end up biting someone's face off.
And just to let you know, I was HAPPILY married in a stair well of a courthouse so it's not like I had some big fuckin' retarded wedding. However I have been someone's maid of honor before as well as a guest at several of them sooooo.....I at least know the basic formula for a good one.
This was the most slapped together shit I've ever seen. Nothing...NOTHING went as planned. The invitations said that it started at 12:00 noon but it didn't actually get going till 12:30 and people were still coming in at 12:35.
The pastor had the phonetic abilities of Michael Irvin while the decorations appeared to have come from the dollar store. I sat on "cracker corner" with the other few whitie's from the job. I didn't mention it but Kwantina and I met at work. We did have one Afghani in the mix and one black chick (Kandy) who claimed she was our "street cred". If she was our street cred then we were in trouble. We call her "Hooks" because she sounds just like that character from the "Police Academy" movies.
Let me just say that my work group looked like WE should have been the bride and groom's family going by the way we were dressed versus the relatives. The bride's mother (who is sweet) wore one of those long, hippie dresses that are so trendy and inappropriate for a 55 year old fat woman with no bra. Yeah....classy.
The music was good though. (Stereotype) The dude they got to sing looked like he was straight out of a Keith Sweat video circa 1988 but still had some killer pipes.
But the best was when the pastor indicated for the groom to say ....
"With this WING, I thee wed."
Oh and when he said "let this couple be blessed", Sister Ham Shanks in the back hollered out "Yes Lawd!Yes! Bless'em chile!" I squeezed my husbands knee as I heard the muffled laughter escape his pursed lips.
Scanning around the crowd I saw alot of folks who looked like they've lived some hard lives and believe it or not, I just didn't think D. and Kwantina came from that rough of a back ground. My husband and I have hung out with them on several occasions and we always have a good time. They both have great senses of humor, generally are up to date on current events and we all share a passion for football. Kwantina is the only other woman at my job who actually knows what a "full back" does. The rest of the women who "claim" to like football really just like to wear "Georgia Bulldogs" merchandise.
During the lighting of the candles they knocked them over like 4 freakin' times. I'm pretty sure that even the pastor was high. The whole ceremony lasted for about 6 minutes and then we were instructed to drive over to the Marriott for the reception. Wanna talk about the lamest was that they made us all wait out in the hallway standing around drinking tea for about 45 minutes before we were even allowed in the ball room. The tunes were cookin' though and all us work folk and my hubby had a blast people watchin' with jaws dropped open in disbelief at some of the fashion choices. Lots of gold and lots of things that were WAY too small.
Once we were finally let into the ballroom we waited ANOTHER 45 minutes before the bride and groom came in. Killer tunes though yet again as we waited. Lots of Frankie Beverly and Maze, Isley Brothers, Teddy Pendergrass....much more soulful stuff than your average caucasian union.
Kwantina and D. both looked great which made it all the more puzzling as to where they learned how to dress. Everyone else was either dressed far too casual -Playboy ball caps, shorts or 1980's dressed up. Meaning it looked like they raided Wesley Snipes wardrobe closet from the set of "New Jack City".
Anywho, the mike was given to cousin Idiot who says "Hey there, somebody just gay-me dis and said I should give a prayer and unless there someenelse here more spiritual...????"
Her prayer as best I can remember....
"Heavenly Father we ask that you travel in time and bless D. and Kwantina to this room where we are welcome and happy/ Lord bless the spiritual and thank you Lord. Amen".
Apparently the Lord is Sam Beckett from "Quantum Leap."
This is who they let M.C. the rest of the wedding man. Fo' real.
And Oh my goodness how f'd up was the best man's speech? Horribly so. He looked like T-Pain and basically said that if D. messes up he's gonna swoop in and get dat. Then he offered these pearls of wisdom "Ya know they say that the love eventually fades but if you believe in God you can make it work and stay together. It's all about longevity now baby."
Which made me want to play hype man and stand up and say "You're crazy for this one Best Man!" all Jay-Z like.
The food was o.k. except for the chicken that I think may still have clucked if I poked it hard enough going by how pink it was inside.
It was very touching to see the father/daughter-mother/son dances. Idiot's introduction of those were so confusing however that I thought she was telling us that our seat cushions could also be used as a floatation device.
Then finally they asked everyone to dance and you know at this point I'm thinking "well, at least this'll be good". Totally stereo typing again I KNOW but for some reason they started playing shitty, gay stuff and NO ONE would dance. And look, that's one stereo type that has always been true in my experience. Any large gathering of black folk that I've ever attended where music is being played, mutha fuckaz is going to dance and I always enjoy it. Not even that? I was over it.
It's as though someone had read a cliff's note on how weddings were supposed to go and that's how this thing was ran. The music stopped abruptly for stupid announcements every 5 minutes and on the last one of "C'mon on yall, Kwantina fittin' to throw da bouquet" my entire table "cracker corner" + 1 Afghani+black Kandy snuck out the door and ran for our cars.
As we were leaving someone heard Aunt Pearl yell "Look Yall, Day Leavin!"
Thanks for puttin' us on Front street Aunt Pearl. Now can you go find a shawl and cover up those 60 year old titties? Thanks.
To be fair I've got some pretty gamey critters in my family as well and I probably wouldn't want any of my friends or co-workers to meet them. BUT that's also why I did the courthouse thing because I didn't want some horrid spectacle of craziness.
Who knows? Maybe it is snotty in a way especially if D. and Kwantina didn't notice how bad it was or if they were having a good time. Maybe I should care less about such things.
I just think if your going to try and put something like that together that it should be half way decent or why bother doing it?