I'll Slap Your Face

Hey guys!!!

2012-01-15T06:38:00.000-08:00

Hey guys, I know I've been totally out of commission on here for a long ass time but pretty much all I've been doing in my spare time is trying to get better at Stand up. Here I am doing 20 minutes about a month and a half ago if you feel like checking it out. Hope you're all doing well!

Watch Stand up in Entertainment | View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com

So hey...I'm still alive!!!

2011-06-24T19:01:00.000-07:00

Been doin' stand up and kinda kickin' ass at it. Between that, writing, full time job, hubby, dogs...I've been slammed. Hope everyone's been doing well!

Here's my latest thing....

http://clatl.com/culturesurfing/archives/2011/06/24/a-few-questions-with-photographer-celeste-echols

Thank you to all my Amazing Blogger Buddies!

2011-04-12T03:32:00.000-07:00

Seriously! I appreciate all of you taking the time to read my little piece about The Star Bar's open mic night. It meant the world to me that so many of you commented on that. :) I still haven't gotten a spot yet but was LUCKY enough to be allowed to cover the Laughing Skull's comedy festival over the weekend in downtown Atlanta. Truly a blast! Please feel free to check it out!

http://punchlinemagazine.com/blog/2011/04/laughing-skull-comedy-festival-competition-recap

Since it's been so hard getting on at Star Bar, I'm considering Relapse Theater this Thursday night. Wish me luck that I don't punk out! Again, thank you all for being so supportive and cool. :)

Here's a little piece I wrote about an open mic night last week....

2011-04-07T03:47:00.000-07:00

Hope everyone enjoys!!!

http://www.thebackstagebeat.com/2011/04/seriously-crackin-up-at-the-star-bar/

The Slackest Blogger EVER.....

2011-03-19T05:30:00.000-07:00

So sorry I've been AWOL for awhile now. Believe it or not, I'm taking a Stand Up comedy class. Two classes down and I'm having a blast! At the end of the next 6 weeks, I'll be expected to do a 5-7 minute set in front of a sold out crowd. I know, I'm crapping my pants! Very doubtful I'll be attempting to become a comedian but it's really challenging my creativity as far as attempting to come up with jokes, never done that before. I'm going to start posting regularly about the experience but for now I'm just trying to come up with material! In the meantime, please check out an interview I did with some hilarious comics here in Atlanta.....

http://punchlinemagazine.com/interview-the-beards-of-comedy/

Hope everyone is well!

Taking the week off...

2011-01-25T03:33:00.000-08:00

Did the car show and I'm kinda burned out for the moment. Got another concert next week but I must admit between my real "paying" job and doing this stuff, it's kicking my ass. Please dear Lord let me end up getting some real, writing jobs out of this. Speaking of writing, this isn't my best. Hell, I ended the first sentence with a preposition for crap's sake. Another reason I think a week off to re-tool might help. Hope you enjoy the pics at least!

http://www.thebackstagebeat.com/2011/01/wow-world-of-wheels-lives-up-to-its-acronym/

Led Zeppelin 2- I like doing this again!

2011-01-23T04:23:00.001-08:00

Hope you enjoy reading it!

http://www.thebackstagebeat.com/2011/01/led-zeppelin-2-as-real-as-it-gets/

More Crap I went to...

2011-01-18T03:35:00.000-08:00

http://www.thebackstagebeat.com/2011/01/jake-johanssen-200-laughs-minimum/

http://www.thebackstagebeat.com/2011/01/ralphie-may-staying-straight-and-soldiering-on/

I think I may have damaged any credibility I'd made for myself by picking Ralphie May. You were right Steve!

I also think I hate doing this right now.

Please feel free to check out my latest review!

2011-01-11T19:33:00.000-08:00

http://www.thebackstagebeat.com/2011/01/a-birthday-party-fit-for-the-king/

Sorry I've been lame again lately about commenting but between my full time job and the assignments I've been taking on for The Backstage Beat, there's been no time for anything. I hope to have something more personal up soon. This weekend I'm covering Jake Johanssen at the Funny Farm Friday night then over to Gwinnett Arena to cover Ralphie May's show Saturday night. I know, are they crazy letting me into this shit under the guise that I know what the hell I'm doing? Probably!

The Benson Interruption

2011-01-04T03:20:00.000-08:00

http://www.thebackstagebeat.com/2011/01/comedy-central-pardon-the-benson-interruption/

Just a review I did about a show!

Down On the Farm Burger

2010-12-29T18:42:00.000-08:00

Once again, I chimed the bell. It was hard to make out if there was movement or not beyond the beveled glass of the front door but there was certainly a rustling to speak of. Finally a loud (Clang!) then a shadowy figure of some sort swinging from up above. Squinting just right proved it to be a jacket hanging from the chandelier in the foyer. Squinting to the left exposed Max, leaning out over the railing, trying with all his might to snag it.

“No! “ I cried through the door. “You can’t reach it!” Terror ran rampant for just a moment until my mind recalled that Max is not a fool. He listens, immediately concedes to reality and allows his older brother (home from college) to “Ahab” it down with a broom but not without some scolding.

“What were you thinking Max?”

Max’s gaze turned to the marble floor. “I don’t know. I was just trying to throw my jacket down.”

Farm Burger was neigh and there was no time for Max to feel dogged and downed before we hit the road. A quick change of the subject “I REALLY, REALLY have to use the bathroom” and things were back on track.

Obviously my ego would love to believe that he was so excited for our next burger adventure that he just straight up spazzed out, rashly chucking his coat up in the air. Lord knows I was so geeked when I got to his house that I almost fell sprinting up the stone staircase. This has become a tradition of sorts that I look forward to during Max’s Winter break. I take the day off from work so we can go gallivanting throughout the metro Atlanta area in search of hi-jinks and good burgers, we swap Holiday gifts, discuss his vacation, etc…. For me though, it’s greater than that. Its decompression, its validation that I haven’t wasted my life watching t.v. or movies and basically…..well…he’s just a giant “re-set” button.

I hemmed and hawed over getting him Season One of “The League” (one of our fav shows) but in the end, made a much more sage decision.

It came out while he was on vacation last week so I knew there was no way he’d seen “It’s a Trap” yet. He was totally feelin’ it until he suddenly remembered he’d left his present for me back in the house and ran to grab it double time quick. We WERE starving after all.

I cheated and took this pic at home.

My husband said “That’s lame. You should at least be in the picture”. Really? He took like 5 pictures and I looked the LEAST like a mental patient in this one. You hear me? The least. Egads.

I was so touched though. Max didn’t forget that Jason X is one of my favorite Friday the 13^th’s or that I didn’t have it. We both love slasher flicks so debates about Jason Vorhees, Freddy Krueger and Michael Myers can dominate the conversation for hours. I’m proud to say that he was introduced to Evil Dead II by yours truly and for any horror junkie, that’s like the Holy Grail you’re sharing with someone right there. Although he found it somewhat dated, he still loved the humor and direction which was close enough for my nerdy delights.

We punched Farm Burger’s coordinates into my ghetto GPS and set out for W. Ponce De Leon Ave. I call it my “ghetto” GPS because it was cheap AND also because if there is a ghetto anywhere close to the desired location, you will be guided right through the heart of it. Oh make no mistake, you’ll arrive to your destination, possibly missing your rims or with a bullet wound but the end result is all it cares about. No “avoid ghetto’s” feature has been a crack dealer in my side ever since I got the damn thing.

Downtown Decatur on the other hand is a beautiful place that should never be avoided (bad segue) and Farm Burger is snuggled almost secretly on it’s cozy streets. We nearly passed it, thought it was a gas station and I suppose at one time it was. Not a huge place by any means but according to all the buzz, it was a must to add to our quest. I’ll let Farm Burger explain it best…

“Farm Burger wants you to think about your burger – what it is and where it’s from. Our burgers are made from 100% grassfed beef that is dry-aged for two weeks and ground fresh. Our cows are raised on the sweet grasses of the southeast, and never fed antibiotics, hormones, or grain. Our menu is seasonal and sourced from local farms. Our space is convivial and comfortable – because eating is a celebration to be shared. Our food makes ethical eating easy.”

Going by the line and how crowded it was inside, we were pretty sure those weren’t just words.

Max is still gun shy from all the hype around Killer Grindhouse Burgers and refuses to believe that we won’t be walking into a Vietnamese fish market until he sees it with his own eyes. Speaking of, we overheard a couple of other young beef worshippers laying praise to the aforementioned by the bucket load. Max just shook his head. We’ve agreed that many of Grindhouse’s followers just like it because they think that it’s hip as it has to be sought out and isn’t so easily accessible. Also the same people who will put up with Ms. Ann’s crap at her Snack Shack in order to get that “Ghetto Burger”. It looks freakin’ fantastic, I just don’t think it’s worth being treated like garbage and waiting two hours in a rat hole (silently) to get it.

The atmosphere at Farm Burger is just the opposite. While the line is long, it moves by relatively quickly and the service is exceptional. The demographic is diversity all the way, serving every walk and station of life. Families, couples, students, the elderly, you name it. Everyone has a place at F.B.

We passed on the Pork Slap (Max is Kosher)

But weighed the rest of our options with much more shrewdness.

By the time it was our turn at bat, we were ravenous wolverines rattling off our orders tinged with serious necessity. A number was given to us as a guide for the food to our table but as we turned to face the masses, there wasn’t a seat to be had. We stood awkwardly in the middle of the restaurant for a moment, considered asking a random family if they’d get Amish and let us commune but were swiftly rescued by an employee who found us a high top before we embarrassed ourselves. Bearing in mind the amount of customers Farm Burger is serving, they handle it incredibly well and it’s obvious why so many have recommended it to me. Not only is the service impeccable for how busy it is, the food itself is crazy good and we were floored that it came out so fast.

Ohhhh Mama….I had to beg him to let me get a better shot before he got medieval on it.

Max went for the carmelized onions, lettuce and cheddar cheese accompanied by the standard yet classic mustard/ketchup scenario. While Farm Burger offers a variety of snacks like fried chick peas, fried chicken livers and pickled eggs they also provide a butt load of choices when it comes to your sides. You can do sweet potato fries, regular fries, fried okra, beer battered onion rings but Max and I both went with the FB fries. Coated in spicy herbs, garlic and parmesan, you will want to have some alone time with them or at the very least ask others to look away as you debase yourself in a hog like frenzy.

I went with fresh jalapenos, feta cheese, lettuce and Farm Burger sauce. What is FB sauce? It’s damn good that’s what.

We were both in agreement that the buns were killer. Soft on the outside, crispy on the inside. I messed up though, got mine well done when I should have went medium so it was slightly dry. Max ordered correctly and claimed it to be neck and neck with Holeman and Finch as far as being super juicy and mouth meltingly wondrous. We agreed on a star system today going from one to five and proclaimed Flip Burger still to be the only establishment to retain a five star ranking. And THAT’S with sucky service. George’s got 3 1/2 while Grindhouse and Canyon got 3. Farm Burger gets 4 ½ (so Starsearchy) just like H & F but it was decreed that the former gets top billing when it comes to those amazing parmesan fries. Sweet Jesus, I just want to be submerged in a tank full of them with the implicit instruction to eat my way to freedom.

There’s not much more that can be said (you gotta go), just rest assured if you’re also on the hunt for the best burger in Atlanta, Farm Burger is not just hype, it’s the real deal and worth checking out. You will CLEAN your plate and be filled with greasy grins for hours guaranteed.

Final Verdict…..

Been hearing lots of good stuff about the brick burger at the Brick Store Pub in Decatur. Thinkin’ we’ll pop it into the old GPS and with a little luck we might make it there gun shot free. If not, no worries, we’ll just plug the holes with beef and keep eating.

True Grit is the Shit

2010-12-23T14:12:00.000-08:00

After months upon agonizing months of waiting quite impatiently, True Grit finally opened tonight and I was in my seat 40 minutes early with beverage in hand. No one else but the Coen brothers could possibly drag me out to a theater full of coughing old people on a week night. That is, not when there’s still yet another crap filled day of work in store before Christmas vacation. You’ll do what you have to though when your favorite screen play writers/directors craft another cinematic hug. From the moment H.I. Mcdunnough scraped his knuckles on that trailer’s popcorn ceiling in Raising Arizona, I’ve been fanatical for anything they touch. Even the mediocre stuff (The Lady Killers, Intolerable Cruelty) is still better than many film maker’s best efforts. But man when they're at their best, (Fargo, Oh Brother Where Art Thou, No Country for Old Men, and my favorite of all time The Big Lebowski) it’s the reason why I and most people watch movies. To escape. To be taken to a place your imagination could never dream up because you don’t have the capacity or the wit to get there. The most you can hope for is that someone else is blessed with the talent to do so and by God did that ever happen with the Coens. I read their screenplays constantly, searching for the formula, for the gift that they have but it’s impossible to replicate. The most that I will be allowed is just to appreciate the mastery that they have been anointed with.

Now if you have seen the original True Grit with John Wayne and are thinking this is a remake, well, you can just put that notion right back in your pocket. This is not your pappy’s version. No slight to the original mind you, it was the only movie Wayne ever won an Oscar for and one of the main reasons I developed a love of Westerns. Daydreaming about riding horses through the prairie, kicking ass, getting sweet revenge and so on filled my head quite a bit during my “Cable Guy” childhood. But the original was a “movie”, what the Coens’ have done is made a film. Instead of just giving the people a redux, they broke out the Charles Portis novel and said “Let’s do OUR thing” in much the same way as they did with Cormac Mccarthy's “No Country”. It’s as authentic in the realms of Western’s as you will find while still being scrubbed fresh with their freakish brilliance. If you beg to know how they did it you'll simply get a humble “We just lifted it from the book”. They haven't even seen the original since childhood and just plain never got around to it during prep. Ask them if they’ll watch their adaptation more than once and they’ll tell you, “probably not”. It's down right kooky to be that damn good.

An even dispersal of credit has to be dealt when it comes to the cast. If you’ve been longing to see them work with Jeff Bridges again, his turn as Rooster Cogburn is every bit as epic as the cosmic strangle hold that he had on “The Dude”. But while Jeffrey Lebowski was a pot smoking pacifist, Rooster Cogburn snuffs out so many men on a frequent basis, he can’t quite recall if it’s 14 or 24. In one of the opening scenes as he testifies about one such incident, we are enlightened to the fact that those are just the ones he killed. If you ask him how many he’s shot, who knows how much ink it would take to write that list. Precisely why the clever and wise 14 year old, Mattie Ross (Hailee Steinfeld) seeks out the Deputy Marshall to help bring Tom Chaney (Josh Brolin) the man who robbed and killed her father to justice. Steinfeld’s portrayal is immaculate and will instantly force you into complete fandom. When an older voice of the character reflectively narrarates during the train ride to town for her father’s remains, “You must pay for everything in this world. There is nothing free except the grace of God” her fortitude is cemented.

Matt Damon has made a long haul from being lampooned as a mouth breathing imbecile in Team America-World Police and his take on Texas Ranger La Boeuf makes Glen Campbell’s role in the original seem like HE’s developmentally disabled. Was he? I'm sorry Glenn, Merry Christmas. Damon's La Boeuf is sharp, cocky and the dialogue between Mattie and he during their first meeting will leave you howling. In fact, much of True Grit will have you laughing your fool head off when you’re not wincing at the necessary violence that is put upon the very deserved. There is nothing compromised with the PG-13 rating. It will satisfy any blood lust you may require. While Brolin’s part is small as an intellectually challenged thief and murderer, he delivers everything needed as always. Don’t even bring up “Jonah Hex” as I’ve deleted it from my memory banks. He was far too good for that pile so let’s just pretend it didn’t happen. Same thing with Barry Pepper as Lucky Ned Pepper (must've been in the stars) who plays a small role also but takes it straight to the bone like every character he’s ever been assigned.

I’d really be a dope if I didn’t mention the cinematography which was stunning but ultimately the dialogue is the glue. With lines like "If they wanted a proper burial they should'a got themselves kilt in summertime", you’ll find yourself smiling like a goon as the accurate dialect is hysterically and poignantly delivered with perfect timing for the full length. And while the majority of Joel and Ethan’s works are dripping with irony, its not a driving force this go around. Have no doubt , it’s coated in their juices what with the expert set ups of each scene which climax perfectly into the mega moviegasm at the end, it's still much more literal than the majority of their works.

There is absolutely no way the Duke is spinning in his grave on this one. If anything, he’s tippin’ a hat to a couple of pilgrims who took his best movie and made it even better. O.k., The Sons of Katie Elder was his BEST but whatev's. Just saying, even if you can't afford to go to Maui for the Holidays, you can still take a 2 hour MENTAL vacation via the Coen Brothers Express. I promise, five minutes in and you won’t even notice the hacking geriatric two rows back.

Here's the deal....

2010-12-22T03:37:00.000-08:00

Some of you may have noticed that my posts lately have been up for a couple of hours then taken down. It's only because I had not received an i.d. for Wordpress yet for the site I'm writing for and since I'm such a goof ball, I had to map it out on Blogger first. It's all good now so I'll be using Blogger for what it was intended for here on out. Whatever that maybe....public diary, bitch rag, etc...

Also, yeah my name is Steph. Some of you knew that already. Heidi Germanaus was just an alias I thought I needed. Doesn't seem necessary anymore. Heidi is my German/Aussie Shepherd. Ehhh??? I know, it's retarded.

Not sure how good I am at this reviewing stuff yet, but it's fun and forcing me to write. I've realized - I MUST have a deadline. At least for now. Here's my latest but not my greatest. My heart wasn't in it for some reason.

A Charlie Brown Christmas

Headed out to see "True Grit" tonight (Hell yeah!!!) and will be giving a take on that as well.

Hope everyone is doing great and getting ready for a peaceful, relaxing Holiday!

Drama filled Weekend

2010-11-28T21:00:00.000-08:00

I'm not usually much of a drama chick. When I go to the movies or rent, it's generally a comedy, horror or documentary with dramas and blechhhh....love stories falling to the last slots every time. However, with our newly acquired Showtime thanks to my "Dexter" obsession, I found a wealth of films in this genre from over the last year or so that I had not seen yet. It was especially perfect watchin's on a cold, rainy black Friday eating cornbread dressing and chocolate mousse cake. Yum!

First up was "Big Fan" with Patton Oswalt.

As soon as his repulsion of the Philadelphia Eagles was made known, I was fully invested. Much like "The Dude"..... "I hate the fucking Eagles man." I realize he was talking about the band but I hate'm both so my love of that line has always been doubled. I thought it was a pretty solid film for the most part. Oswalt's portrayal of Paul-35 year old parking attendant/biggest N.Y. Giants fan ever was very believable and the scenes between he and his mother/brother/best friend were thick. The best of course being the climax with his rival, radio, trash talker Philly fan (Michael Rappaport) in a bar bathroom. Oswalt may look like a toad but he does such a good job at making you understand how deep his devotion runs even after his favorite player beats the mortal shit out of him. It's a movie full of blind, blue collar loyalty and I liked it.

Next up was "The Messenger."

Yeah, so I was pretty slow on the draw on this one. I know, I know...Academy awards...I know. Like I said, I just don't go out of my way to watch serious shit like this. Obviously it was fucking excellent. The different scenes when they inform the families, not to mention the build up to each incident is nothing short of heart wrenching. Woody Harrelson proves again that he's more than an eccentric stoner, he's a retarded good actor. I've loved him since Natural Born Killers and it's rare (Palmetto) that he disappoints. Ben Foster continues to impress me. Loved him as the drifter in "30 Days of Night" (horror chick!) and he was the only legit thing in the crapfest that was "Alphadog" as well as the puke stain that was "Pandorum." Overall, I thought it was excellent.

Next up... "The Road"

Good gravy, if you're lookin' for a laugh.. well.just...Holy shit this movie is depressing. I've never read the Cormac MCcarthy novel as I am more of a "watcher" so I have no idea how the movie measures up but fuck it's bleak. Viggo rocks as always and the stage set from the outset is terrifying. I will never need to wonder what it would be like to survive an apocalypse again as it is more than accurately done for you here. It's every bit as nightmarish as I've dreamed about in the past except the zombies are replaced with cannibals which are somehow even creepier. I guess because zombies have no choice but to munch on your brain, cannibals do so willingly and with a fucking plan for the rest of your parts too. The kid who plays the son (Kodi Smitt-Mcphee) is an incredible young actor. He reminds me a bit of Lukas Haas back in the day only a little less flimsy. Ultimately it's a good movie but I'll never have a need to watch it again. By the way, this shit made "Book of Eli" look even gayer than I originally thought it was.

Last up..."Killer Inside Me"

The least favorite during my lazy, Holiday drama watchin's. While Casey Affleck's portrayal of the serial killer/sheriff in the forties is interesting, the movie is mostly summed up to shock value. Don't get me wrong, I love gore and horror but I hate torture/porn shit like "Hostel", "Saw", "Wolf Creek"...etc... and while this is packaged in classier wrapping..it's just the same. When Lou Ford (Affleck) beats the breaks off of Jessica Alba's prostitute character "Joyce", it goes on FOREVER. It's gritty to the point of overkill and it made me angry because I can't stand Jessica Alba and even I wanted him to stop beating her. The story is weak, the acting is strong but I could care less about the main character. Unlike Michael C. Hall's character on Dexter who is a serial killer that you sympathize with, Lou Ford is just a piece of shit who you can't wait to see die. I mean seriously, I hate Kate Hudson more than Jessica Alba and he gut punched her so hard she peed herself and I felt terrible for her. I almost forgot about "Fool's Gold". That's not fair!!

Either way, that's all the drama I'll be lookin' for till "True Grit" comes out Christmas day.

A Rose From Any Other Bum Would Not Smell As Sweet.

2010-09-13T12:00:00.000-07:00

Whoa baby, well it certainly took awhile but I FINALLY made it to "The Vortex". Hands down, NO question, it is just as AWESOME as everyone says. Pretty much any Atlanta burgermeister will tell you that it's a freakin' must and I was practically ashamed that through all of my meaty travels, I hadn't had one of THE MOST delicious burgers in the city. Proudly, it is now scratched off.

Me and Elle.

But it's not just the food. Also included: wacky ambience, smartass waitstaff, kooky diners and an unapologetic LONG drought between the time your grub is ordered and it's arrival. I reckon they figure you'll chug two draft beers in the meantime, become EXTRA animated during the retelling of a story and elbow your patron/ neighbor's table (HARD) startling the piss out of them. Well, they were certainly on the money if that's the intention. Doh!

I had the Tasmanian Devil burger as you will see below which was particularly wonderful in every facet known to food-dom. It's coated in a pepper-berry rub and topped off with pineapple salsa. Killer flavor! My friend opted for the Coney club, this crazy hot dog thing on a pretzel with bacon, pimento cheese...gulp.. she said it was TASTY. Her daughter Elle also came along for a fun day of shopping in the quirky area of "Lil 5 Points." Elle is currently attempting to break into modeling and thought maybe this would be a good chance to get some decent shots against the funky background. Most of the agencies want the pics submitted to be taken by friends/family, not pros. She's not shooting for a runway model mind you, she's not thin or tall enough at 120 pounds and 5"7 (fuckin' crazy that's not thin enough!) but I think she may have a fair shot at catalog. Either way, it was tons of fun playing fashion photographer with my own life size Barbie. I actually think as an amateur, I did o-tay. Elle is an extremely easy subject and not just because of her looks, she really is just a joy to be around in general.

I enjoyed this.

Fair warning...the pics are placed kinda randomly on this one because after I uploaded, Blogger started being a dirty whore and I was too lazy to put up a fight.

By the way, the painting of the boobs is mainly for Steve as a peace offering for douching him on his Princess Leia pics.

Coney Club.

Tasmanian Devil burger.....Freakin' yum. Seriously.

I picked out the hat.

Blurry, or this would have been a good one!

Loved this hat too but she wasn't a fan.

I call this "Waiting for a burger....Man."

Of course he did!

Elle found her halloween costume at the kitschy "Junkman's Daughter" and while she struggled over "what shoes?" with her mother, I slipped out front for a breath. The store had taken on a coffin-like feeling for me as it filled with trendy hipsters as far as the eye could see. I also have a problem watching people who have no business wearing revealing costumes, try them on while everyone else is supposed to be polite, suffering quietly in their horror. Not every woman is a "naughty nurse" ladies. Dear Lord, will that somehow seep in one day?

Anyways, outside the front of the store sat an aging black gentleman in a lawn chair reading a very weathered paperback. At his feet, a big plastic white bucket filled with single-stemmed fresh roses. No sooner than being alerted to my presence by the door's ringing bell, was a styrofoam cup, half filled with change shaken in my general direction.

"Sorry man, I got nothing."

Silence.

As I found a place to stand beside him and watched him shake that cup at passers by, not lifting his eyes from the book, sometimes saying "Open your noses", I began to wonder what it must be like to live the way he does. I mean, he seemed happy enough. Not like I haven't seen my fair share of pan handlers, Lil Five is brimming with them, there was just an ambient aura about this dude that really intrigued me.

"What are you reading?"

It took him a second to realize that I was actually trying to have a conversation with him.

"Oh" he said, looking around at me for a sec before diving back in as he spoke "It's a murder mystery. Yeah...murder mystery."

"Looks like you've read it more than once"

I guess he decided this wasn't a fluke and finally decided to flip the book over in his lap and talk.

"Oh yeah, I've read it ten times or more. It's a good'un. I like murder mystery's and Westerns! I love me some westerns but they don't write many of'em these days. I like western movies too but they don't care much about them these days neither. Open your noses young ladies!" A group of cute, young black girls walked by just then, attempting to ignore my begging amigo but at last responded with "We ain't got no cash, just my momma's debit card."

Silence.

"Guess the whole "debit card" thing really puts a cramp in your business huh? Not as many folks with change and all?" I asked.

"Oh sure, but I still make it. I sit in front of "The Vortex" for a few hours a day, sell some roses...I do o.k. Pays the rent AND I got Comcast cable. They had a whole "John Wayne" marathon on last Sunday. I watched Westerns all day."

"Yeah, I don't like'm as much now since I found out how racist he was." God I'm a dildo sometimes.

"Oh really?" he queried. "Well I don't care bout the man's personal preferences...I like his movies. Don't have to like a man's ways to appreciate his talent."

Score one for the panhandler.

"Well, you know they're re-making "True Grit" I informed him "comes out at Christmas time."

"Oh wow!" he exclaimed. "That's somethin....how nice, really nice. Open your noses!"

The two gentleman passing by did NOT open them.

"But Clint Eastwood" he said "That's my man. "Hang'em High, Good the Bad and the Ugly...that's what I'm talkin' bout. Nobody like'em."

Since I was in the business of dropping knowledge I continued on "Yeah, he's directing a movie right now at 80 years old. 80! And he still fly's a helicopter onto the set. Maybe that's the key to longevity" I mused aloud (mostly to myself) "finding something you love and then doing it till you die".

"Hey" he said "That's me (pointing to his bucket of roses) that's what I'm doing. I love this."

Of course, after that statement I went back inside and shook my friend down for 4 singles, gladly stuffing them into his cup on the way out. "My baby!" he wailed "I knew you'd come through. Thank ya doll! Can't wait for that Western!" Gay or not, it made me feel good.

We probably passed 20 more through out the evening but none had the profound affect on me that "The Reader" (as i will forever call him) did. Sometimes, no matter what the situation, you just connect with certain people I think. I didn't even get pissed when I realized the old bastard stiffed me on a rose. I mean after all, I did give him 4 fucking dollars.

37 goin' on 10.

2010-09-11T03:52:00.000-07:00

Soooo...I punked out. Didn't go to Dragon*Con. What can I say? Weird birthday this year. Something about drifting into my late thirties really messed with me. Nick and I got up last Sunday morning fully intent on truckin' it to the Marta station and heading down for the festivities but right at the last....I changed my mind. I dunno exactly what happened. I was looking at pics from the parade downtown the day before and it all just seemed so ridiculous. I felt like a jackass who couldn't accept that I was getting older and therefore needed to cling to my childhood with a bunch of other pathetic losers dressed up in "Road Warrior" costumes. It was super lame. Nothing against anyone who goes, hell, I might go next year, it was just my perception at the time.

Nick was irritated but he let me wallow in it for awhile until he finally kicked my ass out of bed and made me go see a flick I've been dying to see anyways. "Machete" was absolutely low brow, kick ass, hilarious and super bloody. So bad it was good as Rodriguez has perfected the "B" movie chemistry. Several original KILL scenes and Danny Trejo was divine. I especially enjoyed the part when Lyndsay Lohan was topless and Nick leaned over and said she had "ugly juggs." Ha!

After that we rolled over to the Cheesecake Factory and I filled my gullet with a double cheese crunch burger and Reese's peanut butter cup cheesecake. TO DIE!

All in all, once I quit being a fuckin' crybaby, it was a pretty nice day. You like what you like, who gives a shit if ur 80 and still into death metal? Doesn't mean your a retard or unable to relinquish your grip on youth does it?

Time to Nerd Up or Shut Up

2010-08-29T16:28:00.001-07:00

So I've made my peace with it. I AM A NERD. So much so in fact that this year I will be celebrating my birthday by going to the biggest geekfest in the South East....Dragon Con.

http://www.dragoncon.org/

No, I shant be dressing up like a Klingon or one of those lizard people from "V". What I will be doing is actively attempting to make contact with Joel Hodgson from MST3K as well as some of my other dorky dream boats. I plan on taking many pics of the folks who were beaten up in high school on a daily basis for all of your enjoyment.

Movie Magic Mind Meld

2010-08-21T16:16:00.000-07:00

As some of you may remember, I was writing about an extremely messed up time in my life for several months on here. It's something that I felt that I would eventually turn into a screenplay at some point and I WILL but for now I've shifted gears.

I completed one outline for a new story and began hammering out the screenplay and something just told me "Nope, that's not it either". Still not the story I want to tell, not the one I can. SO...here I am. Starting a brand new outline on yet another story that I really think is the best idea I've had yet. I've been watching tons of movies, reading their screenplays and desperately trying to grasp the architectural aspects of pacing, and building the tale into something enjoyable. At first I thought I'd shy away from having a narrative thinking that it's lazy and that things should be left more to the viewer's interpretation. But after realizing several of my fav films do just that...I think that's the way I'm going. "Goodfellas", "Stand By Me"..."Shawshank Redemption" ....these films really drive to the heart of me and I think it's partly BECAUSE of the narrative. It really does seem to take you on the journey with the character.

Anywho, just wondering if anyone else cares to share what movies really get to you? It may be some I haven't thought of and will also help me in my quest to write the greatest screenplay in the history of fucking time. Uh...o.k....well...at least better than a Lifetime movie.

Walmart at Publix

2010-08-19T18:32:00.000-07:00

"Yeah....put that in the basket" the behemoth commanded as her ham-faced son filled the cart with "Buy One-Get One" potato chips.

I caught sight of them on aisle two while I was searching frantically for good coffee that wasn't outrageous. By the way, there wasn't any. My first thought as she turned the corner on her pimped out Rascal was "Wow, a professional eater." Second thought... "Well shit, I could've seen this at Walmart."

Like many folks, I'm trying to save a buck these days and have forsaken my glorious Publix with their beautiful produce section and courteous staff for Walmart's low prices and surly, downtrodden cashier's. I HATE shopping at Walmart. Don't get me wrong, while they do have a great selection, the other shoppers generally resemble nearly every stereotype on the planet. Sometimes I just want to smash some "white/black/whatever trash" idiot with my cart and scream "Do you have any concept of what is expected of you when you share space with the general public!!!???"

Because of these many irritations as well as my pining for supermarket panache, I decided to scrape up my pennies and head to Publix last weekend. So excited was I to rub elbows with "classy" peeps and be asked if I needed help to the car (I never do), that I practically drove through the front of the store. I strode through the produce aisle finding fabulous Minneola's, beautiful cherries and gorgeous grapes. Unlike Walmart, there were no fruit flies buzzing about my face as I snatched them from their crisp, clean crates either. Over in the meat section, there were perfect cuts of steak and chicken breasts WITHOUT rib meat. It was glorious. I was feeling pretty good about my decision to upgrade my shopping experience and then....there she was.

Roughly 600 pounds, she had "fatted" herself into that sassy new Rascal. Both her t-shirt and umm...."jogging" pants were covered in stains. Her crispy black hair flowed quietly in the wake caused by her motorized legs. But that's fine, her choice. What really got me incensed was her son. No more than 10 years old, he was comfortably in the 250's. On each aisle as I encountered them I would overhear her telling him to load the cart with cookies, cakes, Cokes etc and I would get madder and madder. How dare her? I mean if you want to devour everything in sight till your "Circus side show" huge, that's your business but when you do that to your kids...it makes me sick. Seriously, I was a fat kid but it wasn't because my mom supported my every bite. Quite the contrary. She attempted to keep me on the right track, I was just an insatiable pork chop that would not be denied. Had she provided the tools for my destruction, I would've probably had a heart attack at 18. But that's what a decent parent does, they don't just inspire or support attempts to kill yourself, however slowly.

By the time I was checking out (of course she was at the next lane) I'd had my fill. I almost could not stop looking at her as each piece of junk food was scanned by the obviously disgusted check out gal. Like I said, this is Publix dammit and this lady was obviously a Walmartian who had wandered into their pristine doors by mistake. Not one piece of fruit, granola....NOTHING with any sort of healthy value was placed into her bags. How can you just not even try??? I don't get that. Even as a fat adult in my twenties, there were still apples next to my box of Twinkies.

Once outside, I noticed what must have been (going by how high up his pants were on his chest) an eighty-ish year old man watching her load up her Rascal. She was driving a brand new, extremely nice SUV that had been outfitted with a wheel chair lift for her steed which she dismounted almost ceremoniously. Rather than attempt to do anything about her situation, she had spent God knows how much in support of getting even bigger. It was revolting. The septuagenarian practically stopped in his shuffling tracks as he gawked at the spectacle and I suppose he was thinking that back in his day, they would have shot her and used her for lamp oil purely on principle.

Worst of all, she instructed her son to plop his rotund self up in the front seat while the Publix bagger put all of their "groceries" in the back seat as she looked on supervising. Raisin'em right and getting him ready for a Rascal junior I expect. I know this is kind of a mean post but it really bugged the shit out of me and I think this kind of parenting should be considered child abuse.

I also may be the poorest snob there has ever been!

Junk and Stuff

2010-07-25T09:21:00.000-07:00

I completed something yesterday! It's not important WHAT it was, in fact I think that for once in my life, I just stopped running my trap about what I was going to do and just did it. I gotta say....this shit feels great. I think I'll make it a habit. In the meantime I've watched a series of different flicks over the last several days. Always up for a good movie, here lately I've been a junkie. I wonder if other people go through episodes like that where you just get on a roll and can't stop?

The pic up top is from a nice little 80's "B" movie I found last night called "Rolling Vengeance". OMG, it is HILARIOUS. That rare gem that is so BAD that it's GOOD and nothing tops Ned Beatty as a Redneck strip club owner with a pompadour that would make Conway Twitty melt. Plus....Monster Truck revenge....uhhh...yeah!

Then there was "The Book of Eli".

Not bad. I enjoyed much of the fight choreography as well as some of the symbolism (Gary Oldman as the proverbial evil evangelist) AND it was nice to have the Hughes Brothers back in the saddle. I didn't realize it had been almost 10 years since "From Hell" which wasn't all that but it didn't tarnish my love for "American Pimp" or "Menace II Society". It's amazing that they were only 20 years old when they shot "Menace". My true and only problem with "Eli" besides the ending, which was a bit contrived, was the beautiful and talented Mila Kunis.

She's so hard to buy in a dramatic role for "Family Guy" freaks like myself. Every time she spoke, I kept waiting for "Meg" to call Denzel's character a "fat son of a bitch." Guess she'll just have to settle for being a gorgeous, rich comedic actress. Boo-frickin'-hoo.

Next, I was glad to open the mail box and finally receive "A Serious Man".

Another Coen brother's classic. So much left to the viewer's interpretation which to me is what makes them king's in art of film making. I loved all of the insight into American, Jewish culture in the sixties as well as the point driven home. Life is random. If you live by a moral code, it should be because you choose to, not because you think it will get you anywhere. At least that's what I took from it.

Also in the mailbox that day was an intense as hell British horror flick called "Salvage".

Low budget for sure but original in a way that reminded me of "The Descent". Definitely worth checking out if you dig sci-fi creep-outs. All I know is that from now on, if I see a report on the news that giant, steel shipping containers have washed ashore missing their contents....Peace out.

Lastly, I stumbled upon an excellent little indie flick called "Visioneers".

If you've ever wondered what would happen if people began to explode because they were unhappy, well this movie addresses that question. Such a wonderful take on how important it is to enjoy the small things. It falls apart a bit in the end but Zach Galifianakis is so much fun to watch for the majority that it doesn't really matter. I will purposely mispronounce the word "chaos" for the rest of my life because of this film.

T minus 20 minutes before the old man is out of the shower and we give the latest Netflix offering "The Warlords" starring Jet Li a whirl. Did I mention that it's hotter than the fucking sun in Atlanta these days? Could also be the reason I'm hunkered down in front of my laptop and DVD player.

A True Loss for Cleveland

2010-07-13T03:36:00.000-07:00

I won't even try to be a poser and say that I read the man's work for years. Much like most knowledge I've acquired, I learned of him through a movie. That's not to say that after watching "American Splendor" that I didn't remember the funky, disheveled guy from "David Letterman", but I was a teen and didn't realize who the hell he was. What I recalled was that he gave Dave infinite crap when he was on the show and didn't seem to mind being subject to ridicule for the sake of the crowd's enjoyment.

Once his existence fully manifested in my brain,I found his story beyond inspiring. Here was this amazing, prolific story teller working as a medical records clerk and as I sat in my cubicle day after day with the same aspirations, he made me believe it was possible. That regular schlubs such as ourselves had a voice that may actually intrigue folks. Well...in his case anyways. Mine is still yet to be seen.

Cleveland now has something to be sad about as they have lost a real "King" of entertainment.

R.I.P. Probie

2010-07-05T15:39:00.000-07:00

Back when I was a teen in the late eighties/early ninties, Bob Probert was just about the most notorious sports figure in my hometown of Detroit. A forward for the Red Wings, Probie was a natural enforcer who lived for the fight. Half the time my friends and I watched the games just waiting for his inevitable explosion and rarely did he disappoint.

Dead today at the ripe old age of 45.

Blows.

Here's Bob doin' what he did best.....

The Kid Around the Way

2010-06-27T10:01:00.000-07:00

The crude sign made from notebook paper and written in pencil was hung by a single strip of tape to the telephone pole. "Yard Sale <---" I read aloud as I ascended the steep cul de sac with my mutt Walter in tow. This was always the most difficult part of the walk but I kicked in the turbo jets and rocked up the hill with a deliberate stride. Nearly at the top,I finally caught sight of the advertised lawn bargains. Standing behind a large card table full of crap at the end of a very long driveway, was a kid I'd seen around the neighborhood a few times before. And let me clarify that when I say crap, I mean exactly that. Not even the more colorful sign he'd made of construction paper that said "you've made it to the yard sale" was cute enough to overcome his lack of wares.

Among the items I noticed after he hailed me like a cab, was a half-burned pot holder, a rock, an empty bottle of Windex and a used sink stopper.However, his resounding confidence as he described what values he had available did convince me to pause, if only for a second. No matter how good his pitch was, it mattered not.I hadn't planned on doing any shopping during my stroll and as a result, brought no money. Now I'm guessing the kid was about 7 or so then(this was a couple years back) and when I explained my quandry and gave good reason as to why I could not purchase the sink stopper, he got very demanding. It wasn't until that moment that it hit me how much he resembled "Dennis the Menace".

"Well you can go home and get the $1.00 and come back." he declared.

"But why would I do that when I can buy a brand new sink stopper for fifty cents?" I countered.

"Yeah, but it won't be as good as this one." he guaranteed. "Just run home, grab the dollar...I'll be out here till dark."

His cockiness pissed me off beyond what it should've being that he was a child and I was a grown adult. I had been going through a pretty tough time and irrationally this kid and his arrogance personified the adversity I'd been battling for awhile. All I could think about was that this little bastard would more than likely be the CEO of some careless, blood lusting corporation some day. That he'd be chilling on a yacht in the Bahama's, laughing about how many losers he laid off that year and how profits are up and costs are down. He'll never understand what it's like to feel down trodden by the system. Like I said, irrational. So much so that after I lied to him, stating I would be returning with his precious dollar, I snatched down his "Yard Sale <---" sign at the bottom of the hill.

Petty,ridiculous,fulfilled. I felt all three as I found a new place for his sign in my cubicle. It would hang as a reminder that I had beaten a piece of the machine. One that didn't even exist yet, but still a victory and I enjoyed telling the story every time someone inquired about it's origins. "You're twisted" was by and large the overwhelming response and I can't deny that I wasn't but I also didn't care. In my messed up perception, I'd won something and it had been a long time since that had happened.

Over the last couple of years, I've seen "Dennis" out and about more often and have developed a real sense of remorse for robbing him. Sometimes he'll be pulling a wagon filled with gardening tools with one of his beloved homemade signs taped to the back that says "Weeds Pulled/Flowers Planted $5.00". Other times as I pass his house he'll have a large chalkboard on an easel that reads "Car Wash $8.00" set up at the end of the driveway. But the one constant is that this kid is always working, forever trying to earn a buck and it doesn't seem to be because he HAS to he just WANTS to and I admire the hell out of him for it. This kid is what America is supposed to be about. Working hard, taking care of yourself, never looking for a hand out, reveling in your personal responsibility and not crying because you can't accept any. Pride.

Last night we passed in the street and he stopped, laying his bike down in the road so he could pet my dog. I assume if he knew how I'd attempted to sabotage him at one point he wouldn't feel the need to nuzzle my cohort but oh well.

"Do you walk your dogs every night?" he asked earnestly.

"Bout every other night" I responded.

"Yeah, I always see you out with them....it's nice that you walk them so much. Some people don't care but I make my mom walk our dog when I have to work." He sounded so sincere as he scratched Walter's ears.

"Well I ALWAYS see you out working. You're going to run your own company someday aren't ya?"

Without an ounce of hesitation and with all the certainty that I've never had, he replied matter of factly "Well yes ma'am...that's the plan."

Maybe he will make some of the hard decisions I mentioned before when I thought I disliked him and if he does....I say....so what. At least I'll have no doubt he earned the right.

Random Scene From the Day

2010-05-18T15:45:00.000-07:00

INT.-MY CUBICLE-DAY

CRAIG is the 18 year old son of a co-worker/friend that I've known for more than 10 years now. In that time I've hung with their family quite a bit.Craig and I both love cartoons, have similar tastes when it comes to comedy/music/movies and in a way I'd say I'm like an unofficial Godmother to him. It's a bit out of the ordinary as he is as black as I am white but because of my origins (Detroit) and my extensive knowledge in the realms of rap music, he finds me to be one of "cool ones". Racist lil' shit. But that's the set up. Here's an excerpt of our brief conversation from this afternoon when he stopped by the office after school.

CRAIG
What up?

HEIDI
Not a thang man, not a thang. (I over do trying to be cool. Sue me.)
Wadda you got goin' on?

CRAIG
Mmmm...... I.D.K.

HEIDI
I.D.K.? Did you just verbally text me?

CRAIG
Huh?

HEIDI
I mean you do realize that we are actually speaking to each other right now and that in doing so, we should use full words and not acronyms right?

CRAIG
(stifling a huge smile)
Oh YEAH man...yeah! I'm sorry.
(full blown laughter)

HEIDI
(shaking head)
This is W.T.F. is wrong with your generation.

CRAIG
You stupid.

THE END.

Hooray for Un-dead Cats!

2010-05-07T12:22:00.000-07:00

On my way home Saturday, I noticed a dead cat in the turn lane before my street and my heart stopped. I thought it was the cat that lives across the way whom I adore. For six years, she's always come over and let me love on her....total sweetie. I looked for her outside the rest of the evening to no avail and started to become certain it was indeed her.

To my happy surprise though, on my way home from the grocery store Sun. morning....there she was! Sitting at the edge of her driveway, licking her paws. I was so excited that I stopped the car, rolled down my window and said "Yay kitty kat!" Little did I know that her owner was out in the yard. He looked at me like I was out of my fucking mind.

To the place I belong.....

2010-04-11T14:20:00.000-07:00

Well...as it happens this was just going to be a wistful re-telling of my recent trip home to Harts Creek, W.V. However, in light of the recent tragedy that took place in Upper Big Branch, I would like to dedicate this to the memory of the 29 men who lost their lives.

Miners, family men...good people. You see them everywhere in Southern West Virginia. Nary a trip to the gas station does not result in a person seein' a gent in his "stripes", carrying his lunch pail, on his way to one of the most dangerous jobs in the world without seeming to have any inkling of it. Just normal life, what they do, what their dads did and what their grandfathers and my grandfather Wayne died doing. A legacy.

My whole trip was fateful in nature as it happens. On March 17th, 2010 my husband and my brother Judd were both in car accidents. Nick (my husband) was a victim to a very ignorantly plotted out insurance scam which back fired in the faces of the idiots who schemed it. He thankfully wasn't hurt very badly and his truck was o.k. Judd on the other hand was a victim to the narrow, rural roads in West Virginia and an idiot in a Yaris who had no business being on them. His truck was totaled and his shoulder was injured in such away that even after his surgery at the end of this month..he will be out of work for another 4 months after that. Might I also add that March 17th is the anniversary of our brother Jim's death as well. We've decided that one of our ancestors must have butt raped a leprechaun at some point in history.

It was because of his accident and the fact that I had not been back in two years that I decided to head North to my old hometown of Harts Creek,West Virginia and visit with the fam. To anyone whose read my blog and may be confused, I was raised half my life in W.V.(Dad-grandparents) and half in the suburbs of Detroit (Mom). I drove alone and it was pretty peaceful for the entire 8 hours of my journey. Rather enjoyed it, especially not having to entertain anyone else's notions. Stop where u want, listen to whatever strikes your fancy. I chose "Journey's Greatest Hits" and a compilation c.d. that I made from various "The Black Keys" albums.

Judd!

First night home and it was straight to Dairy Queen with us. He said "let's go Ol'skool...Peanut Buster Parfait." I said "Yeah!!!"

My dad's place....

And my Grandma Mag's (Judd's place now) next door...

My Magnum was just a wee bit out of place round those parts. People did "double takes" every time we drove through town but she handled herself like a champ.

My pa....

He's been a coal miner for 36 years...

Thankfully he hasn't been underground in nearly 9 years or so but he did his time. Diligently. I remember back when I was in highschool and he would come in from a 12 hour shift and the only part of his body that wasn't covered in coal dust were the white's of his eyes. Sometimes he spent the majority of his shift in waist deep, ice cold water, just pickin' away. I didn't appreciate what he went through then, too busy resenting him for things that couldn't be changed. I'm very glad all that's behind us and that we are closer than we've ever been. Nowadays he drives one of these.....

I just thought this was a good pic....

That night my bro took me to my favorite pizza/sandwich joint of all time (Giovanni's) and I ordered his two fav's. And to anybody who thinks "What the hell do Hillbilly's know about Italian food...just remember that a helluva alot of miners back in the "10's and 20's" were Italian immigrants. You'd be surprised how authentic it is.

The "Broodwich"....

and the ultimate chef salad...

Somehow, like the tard I am, I lost my glasses like within the first five minutes of my arrival. After two solid days of looking, our confidence dwindled and I realized there was no choice but to go have new one's made. Super luckily the "Sam's club" had an optometrist on duty for a few hours the Saturday before Easter and I was able to get an exam and shoot over to one of those 1 hour dealies.

Judd modeled "The Lumbergh's"

My New specs!

The tiny girl who was assisting us very obviously was into my brother and hinted at such repeatedly. He thought about asking her out until I inquired what the "E.T.A." would be on the glasses and she didn't know what that meant. He said she wasn't pretty enough to NOT know what the acronym "E.T.A" stands for.

Easter Sunday! My first time at church on Easter in about 18 years. Not to mention an ol'timey church. I enjoyed it, brought back alot of good memories.

My sweet step-mom Ada (Judd's mom)

Afterwards, Judd and I skipped the Easter egg hunt and took a drive down the road across Big Ugly Mountain and took in the sights.

Then on to my Step-Mom's parents up on Piney for a grand Easter dinner of chicken N' Dumplin's, green beans, cornbread and so on. Their house is right to the Piney Community Baptist church as well as the grave yard.

My Bro....

Later Judd told me he was thinking about all the times they played football on that same stretch of field before it became a burial site. You can also see my step-mom's reflection in the stone as she arranges new flowers for Spring.

My neice (in the middle) Kate! Looks just like her dad. Her mom has re-married and she seems to like her Step-father pretty well.

This was in the bathroom there and I assume it to be my Step grandfather's. I just hadn't seen that stuff in years...

Here's where that fate cloud comes circling again. About 10 minutes before I left, a guy I graduated with(Jody) saw me out in the yard with my brother and stopped to say hey and catch up. I left finally around 12:30 p.m. on Monday April 5th (coincidentally the anniversary of my husband's brother's death) and right outside of Mooresville, N.C. my brother called to tell me that there had been a huge explosion at a mine up in Boone County. Not only that, it was the same mine that Jody's dad Joe (the guy who stopped to see me) worked at.

Joe was emerging from underground on the small passenger rail car to end his shift at 4:30 p.m. that afternoon when they felt a blast of air that shook the carrier very roughly and they knew something had happened. I doubt that he knew that 29 of the men he worked with weren't ever getting off shift again, but he knew it was bad.
AND what's more, I went the wrong way home. The GPS had me go north to go south and by doing so tacked on two hours to my ride and had me drive right near the mine a couple of hours before it happened. What the hell?

All in all I had a wonderful trip and enjoyed every second with my family. It's a simple place with strong values and morals that is practically stuck in time. A good time though when people gave a damn about hard work and being there for their neighbors and loved ones. When a person's actions were purposeful and in good taste. I used to think it was backwards but now I think that if it is,I'd love to go in reverse.

Please enjoy some Man Nip!

2010-03-19T17:46:00.000-07:00

This really put a hurtin' on me....

Totally in My League

2010-03-15T02:55:00.000-07:00

Note to followers: If any of you read my last post before I deleted it lemme just say, I apologize. It was whiny and ridiculous and not anything I would want to read from anyone else so please overlook.

That being said, on a whim I went to see "She's Out Of My League" yesterday and it IS hilarious. While it still has a ton of date movie cliche's, the dialogue between the hapless lead loser (Jay Baruchel) and his friends (especially Nate Torrence)totally make the whole thing. Plus Alice Eve is definitely not just a pretty face. There are parts of this flick that I actually howled, honestly haven't laughed that hard since "The Hangover". Yet somehow, it manages to have a deep side. If you get a chance, See it!!!

Dog Night

2010-02-19T06:00:00.000-08:00

I just couldn't deal with it tonight for some reason. Fear of embarrassment whipped through me just as sharply as the chilly breeze blowing down the hill that I was attempting to ascend. The closet specialist was STILL unloading his van and luckily I was able to make out his silhouette through the trees in the curve.

"Beautiful dog Miss!" he exclaimed earnestly as Heidi my Shepherd mix held her nose up in the air regally the first time I passed. "Thank You!" I responded with pride followed up with some bland neighborly prattle "Were just enjoying this "Summer" weather". I hate myself when I force pointless conversation for the sake of being overly congenial. Lame.

Second time around, now with Walter my Pit mix, he's still nice "Oh, you got another one...well heyyyy buddy" I stop briefly just because I know Walter has to crap and he will do it in the street if I don't get him to the vacant lot. They have their moment and we're off again.

Third time around and this time it's Lucy my Lab mix and Pepper my weiner schnitzel. I double up with them because of time constraints as 3 miles is about all I can fit in after dinner.This time however, I just know he's gonna be weird as I've found most people are. They see you got two and their like "Oh...well...that's o.k." but whenever they realize there's 4 of these bastards it's always odd looks and the friendly chit chat usually grinds to a halt. I assume they're thinking "What the fuck is wrong with this chick? Four? Really?"

Most of the time I just bite the bullet and deal with it. But this evening, I guess I just didn't want to disappoint this guy. Like he thought I was a normal neighbor that he could bullshit with while he unloaded his equipment. Incidentally I wondered to myself how many people are putting in high-end closets these days but apparently some people are. If he saw me with the other two he'd think I was crazy and I just didn't want it.

I had already been thinking it ever since I got home and Heidi had been working on one of the base boards in the hallway. How the fuck did I end up with 4 fucking dogs?!!! Four mutts that constantly follow me everywhere, that tear up my backyard, that chew on my walls, that stink up the joint and forever give me grief. HOW???

When Nick moved to Detroit to be with me, 8-ball his beloved Bassett-Terrier came with. I'd always had a dog when I was a kid but my Step-Dad, being the sweet heart that he was, always kept Snoopy chained up in the back and was NEVER shy about kicking the shit out of him. I wasn't used to having a dog in the house where they kind of become a member of the family and once 8-ball came into my life I tried to make up for every second of Snoopy's inadequate life.

I enjoyed it so much that after several months we adopted Lucy. BIG MISTAKE. She was an idiot from the start, dumb as dirt and 8-ball despised her. We tried to give her away a couple of times but the people would always give her back and question our friendship for trying to give them such a stupid dog in the first place. Eventually we gave up and kept her.

8-ball would go on to never accept it and went from being my most favorite Mr. Sexy Pants to chronic car shitter. Beyond that, he started to destroy the apartment every time we left. Digging up the carpet, chewing the closet door...so unlike him. Nick wanted to ditch him but I refused. I was crazy about that fucking dog no matter how many pairs of my shoes he tore up. However, once he shat in my driver's seat and I wore it into to Hollywood Video, our love affair quickly ended and he was given to the nice family of a dude that Nick worked with.

Back down to just Lucy, she became a really great dog. I'm not sure if it was the fear of being given away or what but she became so easy that when we bought our first house we figured we should get her a buddy to play with in her new large backyard. Nick found Walter right away while perusing the local animal control website. He was in the "urgent" section as he would be gassed in 24 hours and we both fell in love with his face. All white with a brown circle around his eye...so cute. He was almost a year old and they had no idea where he came from but he had a large gash that was healing on his right leg. He was the only dog I saw in the pound that wasn't jumping and begging for someone to save them from certain death. He just seemed like he was above all that and had accepted his fate.

He was listed as a Lab mix but only when we took him for his first vet appointment were we informed that he was MOSTLY Pit-bull. Nick and I were both pretty unnerved because neither of us had any experience with the breed and all we ever heard were scary stories. The vet assured us there was nothing to be worried about as long as we neutered him and he got plenty of discipline and exercise. I was a total fat ass when we got Walter but the knowledge that he HAD to be walked so that he wouldn't kill us in our sleep was a helluva motivator. I'm kidding, he had an excellent attitude and Lucy and he got on fine right away and over the next 2 years, I would lose 120 pounds. By the way, he was named after the legendary Walter Sobchek.

Things were going great and then suddenly, with no preparation, I became pregnant. When it didn't work out, Nick and I took it in stride. It was a bit depressing but we figured since we weren't trying anyways...eh. I was only 32, it'd happen again. But two years of actual trying proved to be fruitless. Eventually the tiny sadness
I had been harboring loomed into a clump of failure that morbidly tap danced over my head continuously. I finally began searching the pet ads on Craig's List for puppies.

Heidi was a super cute puff ball that had been abandoned in front of a rock quarry at 4 weeks old. The lady who found her asked for 50 bucks and we did the swap in the Pet Smart parking lot. I should have known what an incredible pain in the ass she was going to be when she sprayed orange doo-doo along my living room wall within the first 5 minutes of her being there.Far too smart for her own good she attempted and still attempts to dominate an 80 pound barrel of "Step Off" (Walter) every chance she gets. The bitch Will chew ANY thing and has mangled my screened in porch beyond belief.

Three dogs is enough, especially three big ones and NO-body needs anymore than that. It was actually too many. The perfect harmony that existed when we just had Lucy and Walter was ruined forever but we were able to correct some of Heidi's flaws, enough to where I didn't fantasize about killing her anymore. Then I got pregnant again. And it didn't work out....again. That time, well it's another story all together, but what I will say about that time....I went way down.

After months of Nick's constant attempts to cheer me up along with loyal friends and family, I began to snap out of it. During that era, some of my best moments were when I was walking with my dogs. I knew they needed me because Nick is far too fucking lazy (God love him) to walk them and so I would force myself to do it. We would walk, they wouldn't ask questions or tell me about their own troubles, just click along appreciating the day and all the sights and smells it had to offer. So simple and peaceful.

About a year ago, a friend was adopting a kitten for her daughter so I went to meet them at Pet Smart with absolutely no idea that I would be coming home with yet another son of'a bitchin' dog. Pepper looked like a slick little otter in her cage as I eased towards it, sticking my finger to her ear. Instantly she rolled over on her back knocking her water bowl over in the process. It seemed innocent enough when the volunteer asked that I hold her leash while they cleaned her cage. That was it. She just kept rolling over on her back with this sweet ass look. I forwarded a pic to Nick, he said yes and we became the moronic owners of 4 damn dogs. Pepper is a complete tard by the way. Possibly dumber than Lucy but she loves to be held like a baby for hours sooooo....

I find that generally I'm judged the most by people who have kids and have NO FUCKING IDEA what it's like not to be able to have them. Maybe if they did, they wouldn't be such self-righteous faggots. I think I wrote this to make myself understand why I put up with these fuckers and now I remember. As much shit as they cause, they always make me feel better and snap out of any depressing funks that may seep in. Hopefully I'll stop caring what folks think, remove my cone of shame and walk all four of the destructive bastards with my head up high someday. Or maybe that old bitch Lucy will finally buy the farm and I'll be back down to three. For a minute anyways. :)

LUCY-a.k.a The Goose, Sweety-sweets, Dumb Bitch

WALTER-a.k.a. Bubba-Tubba, Phineas Q. Butterfat, Mr. Butt Burgler

Heidi-a.k.a Fitzpatrick, Fitzwolf, FUCKER.

PEPPER-a.k.a. Pee-Pop

Update....shmupdate.

2010-02-15T16:40:00.001-08:00

While I have written quite a bit more since I stopped posting my story, I haven't done diddly squat in the last week or more. I don't know, it's like the first couple of days after I took it down, I just exploded creatively. I wrote nonstop in a frenzy for 3 days in a row and now it seems that I've blown my load and I need some mental Viagra to spark it up again.

I just keep thinking "What do I want from this?" I mean it's not like I ever want mom or dad to read it. Very doubtful I'd like my employers or co-workers to know many of these things about me. So why? The only reason I can think of is that when I remember how everything went down, I always see it on the big screen.Probably mainly due to my "Cable Guy" childhood, being absorbed in movies and television at such an early age, it's how I relate to most of life's daily occurences. Rest assured that I'm aware of how disconnected and unhealthy that is, but so be it.

Ultimately, I have the feeling and as contrite as this may sound, that it's my destiny. I have to finish it, it will be something and I will receive praise. For what I'm not sure because the writing isn't praise-worthy yet. I return to the beginning and see the progression and yeah it's nice and all but what I want to see is a black comedy. Something like "Welcome to the Dollhouse" or "The Footfist Way". Pahhh....I can't write like that!! It's so fucking frustrating!!!

The last few days I open my Word Program, think bout starting to re-write from the beginning then arguing with myself that I should finish the piece of shit first which leads to reading about Kevin Smith being too fat to fly. Bah.

Letter to my readers : Goin' off the Grid

2010-01-30T16:24:00.000-08:00

Just FYI....I've decided to delete the previous postings of my story and to continue from it's current point in private. Just seems like the right thing to do. I feel like I've grown more as a writer than I ever thought possible over the last several months and I'd like to thank anyone who has taken the time to read.

I needed this blog. I needed it to make me believe I was capable of creating something that I could be proud of. I needed it to know that "finishing" is attainable. And more than anything, I needed help from my fellow bloggers to guide me to the way that I would like to write.

I realize as the story progressed a few of my readers found it to be more than they'd care to know and I understand that. It's rough. It sickens me to write it at times but I feel like I must tell it with no inner critic shouting "Stop!It's too much!". This is the primary reason that has led me to the decision to go rogue from here on out. To be honest, I feel like if I continue to put it on Blogger I'm going to hold back and what's the fuckin' point then?

Thank you all for sticking with me as long as you have and HOPEFULLY it will be in print someday for you to finish if you'd like. :)

Heidi

A fun way to kill 30 minutes?

2010-01-16T18:47:00.000-08:00

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A Dag-gum Stone Mountain Christmas

2009-12-21T02:43:00.000-08:00

So I've been reading this book that my boss gave me called "What Happy People Know" and I must admit, at first, I thought it was bullshit. Twas a gift to him after his Dad passed away a couple months ago and he's been pimpin' it hardcore ever since. I'm generally a skeptic about that kinda crap, ya know...that books like that are enlightening or life altering but I have noticed a real change for the better in him so I finally gave in and I love it. Turns out the top two ways to be happy are to be selfless and to appreciate possibilities so I've been trying my best to adhere to these principles.

Hence- Although I have no children of my own, I know people who do so instead of missing out on the true joy of the season I glommed on to them and had a wonderful time at Stone Mountain this year.

The reason we went. One of the coolest kids of all time- LUKE.

The lights looked pretty cool at dusk.

Took this out of focus but I still like it....

Trust me, she's my friend and she hasn't been nice for shit this year.

Blurry pic of me and Luke

Parade!!!

I was all about the blue tree.

The 4D Polar Express ride was loads of fun.

Luke and an unknown fellow warrior doing battle as we waited for admittance.

Riding an "open car" train in thirty degree weather is fun and sucky all at the same time if that makes sense.

She finds a stupid hat everywhere go!

I called her mom Burgess Meredith and kept repeating "Your a bum Rock!"

NO! Christmas Beatin's! My arms aren't THAT damn big btw. 4 Layers!

I think she was a zombie and he was a Russian spy.

It really was gorgeous.

Luke found his... ahem...dream car in the parking lot as we strolled through singing Christmas carols.

Alright U people with kids,I get it and I want one. Any of U got one just lyin' around you're not using anymore? :)

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!

Golf Digest has got brass ones...

2009-12-15T02:26:00.001-08:00

They basically said they didn't give a crap about the scandal. They cover golf, not cheating husbands. Either way, the jokes that this cover inspires are endless!

Killin' time....

2009-12-10T17:56:00.000-08:00

Don't know why I'm just now finally getting into these dudes but man they are wicked.

I texted my boss's kid that I hang with sometimes and he's all like "Yeah....I've had a bunch of their stuff on my Ipod for awhile".

Where the hell have I been?

Also just now catching this on dvd....

Jesus, if you wanna laugh till u cry, get the whole first season.

Working on the next installment of my story and I hope none of U were freaked out by the last leg of it. If U were, don't even bother reading the rest. hehehe.

Halloween with the Rednecks. Zombie and otherwise.

2009-11-01T16:23:00.000-08:00

Yeah...it was that kinda party.

Above would be the beautiful and gracious "Rudina" who stayed in character the entire night. I'm not sure how many times we saw his balls as he executed his drunken cheers but I'd say it was in the teens.

Nick and I.....

All in all I was pleased. I've acheived much creepier and more authentic looking in the past but it was good enough for the older crowd we were hangin' with. They thought it was the shit. We're always some of the youngest people (by 10 years or more) at "Rudina's" parties. Plus... they're "Loganville rednecks". Somehow though,I guess through a common bond of ganja and rum, we've been regulars at these things since we were in our mid-twenties.

My mullett kept sliding off and Allison's boobs kept spilling out.

I just have never got that whole "It's Halloween-dress-like-a-slut" thing. Allison is defintely NOT a slut by the way.

Big time "Georgia" fans. The game blared in the background as they got their asses stomped.

I could really give a shit about NCAA football but Nick's a Georgia Tech fan and the vanity plate on his truck keeps him from being allowed to park in their driveway.

My first smoke in months but I figured "Fuck it, I'm already dead."

My dog "Pepper" won "best costume."

Never met this guy before but he was a frickin' weirdo.

Rudina getting an injection from Dr. Shots.

NO heartbeat!!!!

BRAINS!!!!

Frickin' mullett slippage!!!

"Rudina's" competition....

We should've taken more pics but we were having too much fun. Pretty great Halloween!

So that's how that stuff happens....

2009-10-28T02:39:00.000-07:00

Being a movie/t.v. junkie since birth I can't possibly recall how many times I've seen the cliche' of the repair/delivery man boffing the lonely house wife scenario. Personally, I've never really understood how that happens. How one minute, a dude is hooking up your cable box and the next minute your doing the nasty with him in the kitchen floor. However, I can see now if I WAS lonely or just a tramp how these situations may come about.

A couple of weeks ago, I had a repair man out to fix our mangled dishwasher. Young, handsome, Russian "Yuri". Probably all of 24 with serious svelte oozing from his extremely tight pores. He took fixing the Maytag incredibly seriously to the point that even after he'd solved the problem, he said I also should get a new handle and face plate.

"Your home varranty covers it so vy not?" he queried in his thick Russki accent.

It had to be ordered however so that meant a second trip out which leads us to yesterday. When he showed up this time I could tell he'd had a hair cut,his uniform was pressed and he seemed nervous for some reason. I was getting ready for work so I left him to his job while I continued curling my hair. When I returned, he was finishing up and we chatted for a moment.

I noticed it was the first time he'd really made eye contact with me since he got there and as we conversated, he had that look. Ya know the one that says, "I think you're cute or whatever".

Now, I don't get flirted with that often and when I do it's usually guys my age or older, not the young stuff. The youngsters I encounter are generally into that whole "I eat one meal a day/skinny jeans" look but I suppose they like brawny lasses where he's from. I giggled like a 6 yr. old and my ego was bursting from the seams when he returned from his van with my receipt. That's when this could've went into full blown cliche' as all of a sudden he became incredibly confident, leaning against my door jam and looking me up and down slowly.

"Iz dare anything else I can do for you?"

Holy shit, he was offering me penis. I couldn't believe it and I chuckled sheepishly.

"No, I'm good."

I am good dammit. But if I wasn't....oh brother.

"Are U sure about dat?"

All I can say is that I'm satisfied with life, my marriage and I hate drama so my reply was instant. "Yep, I'm sure."

Yuri didn't press the issue but instead gathered his tools and chagrin before leaving my house for good. The dishwasher's like brand new so I doubt he'll need to come back out. Thankfully.

Temptation-Zero

Heidi-One

Paranormal Cracktivity

2009-10-27T02:35:00.000-07:00

This is stereotyping but I swear my black friends always get torrents before anyone else and yesterday was no exception when Antionette brought me her copy of "Paranormal Activity."

"Dude, it's fuckin' awesome. One of the best scary flix I've seen in awhile."

Now anyone else, I'd be like "whatever" but Antionette is a horror freak like myself so when she makes claims like that....I listen.

Nick cried "bullshit" when I popped it in last night as he is so jaded and quite the skeptic when it comes to his fright flix, but 30 minutes in and we were both on the edge of our seats. To say they did the most with the least is an incredible understatement. The direction and the use of just one camera puts you so deep in the story that you forget you're NOT watching a documentary.

"Blair Witch" wishes it could've acheived what "Paranormal" totally nails. I've never been so afraid of a "shot" before in a movie. Everytime it switched to the bedroom...you know shit's about to go down and the hairs on the back of my neck stood on edge for the last 30 minutes.

SEE THIS MOVIE!!!!!

So I decided I'm goin' as...yep you guessed it.....

2009-10-18T16:05:00.000-07:00

I bought a treacherous mullett wig along with a gory gash that I will be applying to my forehead as well as the "throat slashed" look. I'm goin' for "fresh" redneck zombie with lots of gooey blood.

When I put the mullett on and popped my gnarly green teeth in, Nick could barely look at me. He said "If I had to bang that for the rest of my life, I'd kill myself." YES!!! I was going to be "Angela" from Night of the Demons but after seeing the perfect splendor that is "Zombieland", I had no choice but to honor it.

As far as continuing my story....sigh.....what's wrong with me? It's like I just lost it. I'm unable to seperate the re-telling and the re-living of it. I'm not sure what it will take to spur me forward but for now,I am at a loss. I have ZERO passion for writing at this very moment. It seems tedious and nonsensical.

Color Me A-hole.

2009-10-04T12:49:00.000-07:00

That's what I feel like.

Tis true that it got to the point where I just thought Nick was milking this virus shit but oh no, it's a whore. I've fought it all week and tried to stick with all my usual routines but I finally gave up and let it finish raping my immune system. I've done practically nothing the last two days but somehow still feel like I've run a marathon.

It's constant fatigue,nausea,congestion and headache. I've never had anything like it and it sucks the biggest, dirtiest balls. Hope to be back writing soon though.

P.S., all the hot pink on NFL today...appreciated but more than a smidge g.a.y.

Excuses...excuses...excuses...

2009-09-22T17:03:00.000-07:00

So I keep putting off finishing my story,old demons...they'll never die apparently. And now I've been asked to write the Dr.'s bio's for our new website at work so I'll use that to neglect my own pursuits. Easier. Loser. Always.

I stayed home today to nurse my hubby Nick who has been suffering from a super shitty virus. He coughed so much last night that I was tempted to suffocate him with a pillow. Instead, I took him to an Urgent Care facility this morning because he said he couldn't wait to see his regular Doc late this afternoon. Impatient patient.

He swooned and swirled throughout what should've been a 5 minute drive that turned into a 45 minute drive because of flood traffic. When we got inside, the air just felt thick with germs. He was given a mask at check in because they weren't sure if he had the flu, he refused so I decided to wear it. I must've went through an entire bottle of Purell in the "Golden Girls" decorated waiting room until finally, he got called back.

The nurse entering his demographics in the room was snotting all over the place her damn self and I was surprised that her fingers didn't slide off the keyboard from all the mucus from her many tissues.

When the Physicians Assistant came in, I thought it was a homeless person who'd wandered in from the street. She looked like a 50 something year old hippie with long, unbrushed hair wearing a pink Unicorn sweatshirt and purple sweat pants. I promise.

"So you're Mom I take it?" she asked as she extended her hand to me.

I thought that surely this bitch must be joking as my husband and I are the same fucking age but to my dismay when I said "excuse me?" she confirmed that she was insane.

"You're his mother right?"

O.k., yes Nick has a baby face but he's got a full goatee and gray hair for fuck's sake.

She began her examination and it was like she was trying out for the "speed medicine" olympics. She asked a barrage of questions that she didn't even allow Nick to answer, instead answered them herself. And then she was gone.

I asked Nick if he wanted to go ahead and see a real Doctor and get the hell out of there but he was so weak that he said he didn't care. "Fuck it" he moaned. "Surely they'll do something".

She returned with a script for cough syrup, a two day work excuse and orders for blood work. And just like that, slap chop, they shimmyed him down the chute, collected his copay and showed him the door. I thought it was bullshit.

I thought it was bullshit till I saw how much better he felt tonight and until he told me "thank you" over and over for taking him to that mung pit for treatment.

The power of codeine. It works no matter where it comes from is the lesson here I guess. Oh and if you're looking to have your ego boosted, nothing works like being accused of being your spouse's parent.

After 36 years, I finally made it to Disney World.

2009-09-12T02:32:00.000-07:00

So last Friday was my 36th birthday and my friend, her mom and kid were driving to Orlando to meet the kid's friend and I was asked to come with. I felt bad leaving hubby but he demanded I go since last year on my birthday I woke up to a ruptured fallopian tube and had to have emergency surgery that night to remove it. He's a sweetie.

I'm sure it's not that big of a deal to most but I don't travel that often due to the fact that I generally have some tragic circumstance that gobbles up my time and honestly I never even knew that I wanted to go to Disney. I FREAKIN' LOVED IT!! I had Disney magic shooting out of every orifice as I skipped, yes skipped through the parks. Here's a little photo diary of my tripski.

World's most magnificent Mcdonald's...

It was cool but we had the "Bistro" food and it sucked balls. Should've stuck with the Big Mac.

Dylan's Candy bar at the Florida Mall Ruled. Ralph Lauren's daughter knows her freakin' candy yo.

My friend Amee who was rockin' the hot dog hat.

The M&M's store was awesome!

Me and Amee who obviously loves having her pic taken.

Right after I took this pic I heard a loud crash to my left and this had happened....

The little Asian lady had somehow turned this shit over...I have no idea how and security scrambled as if anyone wanted freakin' "floor" M&M's.

"City Walk" at Universal

Amee's daughter Elle and her "friend" Jake. She was very careful not to say "boyfriend", so uncool for the nineteen year old set I guess. Jake was hilarious and were already planning their wedding.

So yeah, I took a picture of his feet and I didn't even remember doing it. Amee called me a sick whore.

The worst "white people dancing" I've ever seen but the food was o.k.

I was able to get one pic of the inside of "Bob Marley's Open Air House" before my camera died. Killer reggae band but more scary dancing. Very cool place!

We spent the first few hours the next day at "Animal Kingdom" which was pretty sweet.

Chocolate bananas and a "Not So" inside joke between me and Amee's crazy mom Kathy. After seeing this pic of my porkish arms, I have gotten back on a diet this week!

We spent the rest of the day at "Hollywood Land" which I was amazed by. I wanted to move in and never leave!

The "special effects tour". Totally rad.

The coolest place I've ever eaten EVER! The "50's Primetime Diner" was incredible right down to the last detail. It truly felt like you were at your grandma's house. All the patron's had to say "Hi" to their cousins (us) when we first sat down in the kitchen and the waitress (our sister Sara) stayed in character the whole time. Right down to making me set the table and asking Amee and I if we'd finished our homework. It may sound annoying but it was truly perfect and the fried chicken, greens and mashed potato's I got were to DIE FOR.

Like I said....DIET! And I pose just a bit too much.

Walt!

His desk...

It's even prettier at night.

Couldn't afford to stay at the "Animal Kingdom" lodge but we still checked it out. Freakin' incredible.

Fatty posey-pants!

Disney Market Place was too much fun and a great way to end the weekend.

Made completely of Legos...

Another Great place to eat!

My evil friend and her mother told this kid I took a pic of his feet to which he kept asking "Why'd you take a picture of my feet for huh?" like he knew I was a freaky old lady. I don't think I've been that embarrassed in a while and Elle couldn't stop laughing.

All in all, there was so much that I DIDN'T get to see in two days and I'm dying to go back. One of the best birthdays I've had in ages even if I am getting fucking old. Disney made me feel like I was turning 10 instead of a million. Thanks Walt!

My new obsession!!!!

2009-09-03T02:48:00.001-07:00

It started with "Tenacious D" for me. I was completely addicted from the moment I watched their show on HBO back in the late 90's. Bought the dvd's, the album, went to the movie and finally the live show when it made it's way to Georgia.

Then it was "Flight Of The Conchords". Same deal, c.d., dvd's, saw'em live when they came through.

After that it was "The Lonely Island Boys".

And NOW the "Boosh". I know they're older than a couple of the groups I've already mentioned but I've just got hip to them in the last couple of months thanks to "Adult Swim". And I can, without embarrassment say, I'm flippin' mental for them!!!!!

Man, I dig "Bat For Lashes".

2009-09-01T02:43:00.000-07:00

I'm so behind as I just started learning about this group recently. I think they're too cool.

Not writin' worth a damn lately....

2009-08-31T06:40:00.000-07:00

I'm getting to the grittiest parts of my story while also preparing for a Labor day weekend get away and I just can't seem to let my mind go there right now. It's too dark and I just wanna think about Orlando,Fla. and gettin' tore up at Bob Marley's Open Air House.

What has always been my main issue with not completing projects is that I'm an all or nothing person. I have to be completely submerged in something in order to give it my full attention. I'm unable to just write about some messed up shit I did, then switch gears and plan my itinerary for a snappy little get away. Blah.

While I should've been writing yesterday, I watched this instead....

and man....it was incredible. LOVED IT!!!!! Original, insightful, hilarious, well acted,great ending.... WATCH IT!

I'm totally going to attempt to work on my story more this week in an attempt to stomp the demons that generally squash my attempts at creativity. The demon of distraction, the demon of gluttony and the demon of apathy.

Yes Yoda I know, do not try, DO!

World's Greatest Dad

2009-08-11T02:35:00.000-07:00

Comcast has this sweet little deal going in there ONDEMAND section where you can order certain Indie flicks before they come out at the theater. It's 10 bucks but in my opinion, pure genius. I would certainly never plunk down 20 dollars for me and the old man to check out an art house film, much less be crammed in a room with a bunch of other idiots uncomfortably unsure of how good it's going to be. I would also probably have to shoot him with a tranquilizer to get him there in the first place.

This month their offering is Robin Williams new film "World's Greatest Dad" which comes out on August 21st.

My God, what a twisted work of excellent film making written and directed by Bobcat Goldthwait. Yes....I said Bobcat Goldthwait. Who knew? I didn't but I can't wait to see what he does next.

There are so many brutal moments of reality in it that at times, I was left holding my breath. There's also an excrutiating dark turn that I honestly didn't see coming. I actually forgave Robin Williams for "R.V." because of this movie and that's saying a lot. His performance was delicious as was the entire ensemble cast. Think "Election" on heroin and you have "World's Greatest Dad".

Suck it Reaper!

2009-08-07T06:41:00.000-07:00

Not John Hughes too! Death, you magnificent bastard, stop scooping up all of my childhood heroes! The dude was just taking a morning stroll, and you just snuck up on him like that thoughtless bastard that you are and snatched him away. Not fair fucker. Not fair at all.

I don’t think I’ve re-watched more of any other writer/director’s movies. Not even the Cohen brothers.

National Lampoon’s Vacation- I watched it again LAST night for the 100th time probably.

Uncle Buck- At least 50 times.

Sixteen Candles- 50 or more.

Weird Science- At least 100

Trains, Planes and Automobiles-40 or more.

The Breakfast Club-20 (My least Fav of my fav)

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (who knows?)

I was a fat kid who lived in front of the television set and John Hughes movies influenced almost every moment of my pre-teen/teen existence. Very sad to hear about this. Sadder than when M.J. bought it.

The Fatty-ette

2009-07-29T06:47:00.000-07:00

O.k., that’s me about 8 years ago when Hubby and I moved in with his parents after our relocation from Detroit to Georgia. The décor of the junk room we were staying in was almost as bad as my lifestyle. Notice the ice cream sandwich, Diet Coke next to the Evil cigarettes on the upscale glass and brass coffee/table lamp. So functional.

I posted this pic so that you know that I definitely have a frame of reference when I say how ridiculous I thought the premier of “More To Love” was last night. If you haven’t seen the promo or it’s not on in your Country (count your blessings), the premise is that a big/tall guy who’s into hefty gals is set up in a mansion with 20 chunky monkeys. Some much chunkier than others by the way. http://www.fox.com/moretolove/

Any who, what I noticed was the fatter they were the harder they cried in the confessional booth thing. It was fucking ridiculous. Oh and the reason why I knew one was fatter than the other was because their weight and size were displayed in a box beside of their sobbing faces. Look, I know what it’s like to be fat but rather than sit around and fucking bawl your eyes out about how nobody asks you out, how bout stop being a slob? It’s possible, trust me.

Admittedly I was lucky. I didn’t get that large and in charge until after hubby and I were married, but he loved me for me and stuck around until I decided to do something about it. He never made ONE shitty remark to me about my weight in the entire 4 years that I was a Hogzilla. However, I do think this photo op was his passive aggressive way of letting me know it was not very cool. But since I’ve lost it, he treats me the same. Don’t get me wrong, he’s happy about it for sure, but even if I was still a pork-pie he’d still love me.

If I was still single and super hammy at this age though, I sure as hell wouldn’t be looking for a guy who was just “IN” to fatties. If he liked me in spite of my fatitude that’s one thing but if it were BECAUSE of it….that’s just weird, I’m sorry. And I also wouldn’t be on national television CRYING about being a lard ass. Pathetic.

Incidentally one of the girls I work with was going to try out for this show but backed out. She is fucking HUGE. Perfectly round and not very cute. Watching the show last night what I can say is that most of the girls did have very beautiful faces and hair so you can see how some guys would still find them attractive even in their weight class. My co-worker wouldn’t have had a chance but you can’t tell her that. She has so much self-confidence that it gags my ass. That’s mean, but it’s true.

Impulsive Hair Decisions

2009-07-28T02:29:00.000-07:00

Me last fall.....

Me last Christmas.....

Me a couple of months ago with my sister and nephew who is not autistic, just a bad pic.....

I miss my hair and I wish like hell I didn't cut it. I hate this short crap and I'm wondering if it's EVER going to grow back. What was I thinking?

Come back hair, I'm sorry.

What's wrong with Walter???

2009-07-23T02:36:00.000-07:00

Upon getting home yesterday, I let my mutts in and my favorite "Walter", a.k.a "Tubby", a.k.a "Bubba", a.k.a "Professor Phineas Q. Butterfat" was acting very strange. He's normally very rambunctious when he comes in and quite sassy about demanding his dinner but last night he came in very quiet, ate his food and then began to start panting and "Army" crawling around on the floor.

He's a Pitbull mix and a pretty big boy. About 80 pounds and he's built like a dumpster but I could still tell that his stomach was extremely swollen. It was painful for him to jump up on his bed and so I panicked. I recently saw a piece on Animal Planet about "bloat" and how prevolent it is in bigger dogs so I rushed him to the Emergency vet.

Long story short, they've kept him all night and after several x-rays, blood work, examinations and basically a thousand fucking dollars, they have no idea what the hell is wrong with him. They said they don't think it's bloat and if it is an obstruction he's still having bowel movements so it must be small. He hasn't been poisoned and all of his labs were normal. What the fuck?

The vet said she consulted another vet and neither of them get it. He's still swollen, "Army" crawling but at times seems happy and wagging his tail. I have to pick him up at 7 a.m. and take him to my regular Vet and see if she can figure it out. He's only 6 and that's why we haven't hesitated at the cost. Plus....it's fucking Walter man. Everybody loves him. He's the shit.

We got him from the dog pound 5 years ago when he was about a year old. He was to be put down the next day but something about him just sucked me in. While all the other dogs were clamoring to be rescued from their impending deaths, he just laid there like "I know you're not going to pick me, so I'm not going to waste my time."

I flippin' love him so much! Fuck, I hope he's going to be o.k. He's my "Tubba-bubba".

Retarded People Kick Ass!

2009-07-11T06:24:00.000-07:00

I had been at "Beechwood" group home for nearly 3 months before it happened. Just long enough to get complacent and think that I'd seen everything it had to offer. Everyone had acted up in some capacity by that point and I had handled myself just fine as usual. Coming from "Covington" group home where there were 6 residents who ALL had violent behaviors, "take downs" were just apart of your work day so going to "Beechwood" and it's four clients was a cake walk in my opinion.

If you're not familiar with the living situation I'm talking about, allow me to explain. The group homes I worked at were for the mentally retarded who had nowhere to go once they closed a lot of the mental institutions in Michigan because of abuse and neglect. People used to be incredibly ignorant in how they treated them. I.E.-"Stacking them" on top of each other-the workers in these places would bet on how high they could get the pile before they toppled over. "Shower time" sometimes involved a firehose and "dinner time" was "slop" doled out into a bowl and if it was stolen by another retarded person, then the victim would just go without.

Yeah, it was great.

So once the "powers that be" pulled their heads out of their asses and realized how fucked up this was, they decided to put alot of these folks in nice homes in residential areas and try to assimilate them to living in society. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it was just better than what they got in the institution. Such as being raped with broom handles like "Chuck" , one of the guys I took care of. Poor Chuck. He wasn't even retarded when he was put in a facility. He was just a hyperactive child who now a days would've been put on Ritalin but it was the 1950's and he had extremely ignorant parents. Chuck became what they call "institutionally retarded" after years of abuse. By the time I worked with him, he either talked to himself constantly OR jerked off.

"Take Downs" were something we were taught during a 2 week training course back when I started my career as a "direct care" staff in 1992. It has since become a defunct practice due to misuse. Because alot of these folks still weren't capable of acting civilized, many times they would become violent and you had to know how to physically restrain them WITHOUT hurting them. That's where the technique of "taking them down" came into play.

The teaching of this was ridiculous. The instructor told me to act as though I was attacking her so that she could show the class a choreography of an acceptable "take down". She grabbed my right wrist, pulled me towards her while spinning me around away from her. Then she grabbed my left wrist to where she had me in a wrap then started backing up till I lost my balance and lowered me to the floor where she held me like that for a minute or two. GAY.

It was gay because as I would find out, the shit didn't work when the person was trying to bite, scratch, punch, kick and jab your fucking eyes out. What I found out was that sometimes the "unacceptable" was the only way to save your ass from getting pummeled. Meaning sometimes you did things that the general public would call abusive but that's only because they weren't being attacked by a 250 pound man who wanted more dessert.

"Covington" had 6 residents. Two women and four men and in my 5 years there- I was bit, punched, had a chair broke over my back and basically had my butt kicked by all of them. It was heaven and hell in the respects that because it was such an outlaw job, it attracted a motley crew who I adored working with. We were all a little crazy and did a lot of drugs and laughed as much as we could when we weren't bandaging our wounds.

We DID take good care of these guys when they allowed us to. Trips to the circus, ice shows, Tiger's games.....we stayed on the move doing our best to integrate these people into society. We made them nutritious meals, made sure they were clean and neatly dressed and always tried to keep them entertained. The more their minds were occupied the less the bad stuff would creep in and get them stirred up. After 5 years though....I became very burned out and couldn't really handle the madness anymore so when a friend told me about "Beechwood" home and that there were only 4 dudes and only one of whom was violent, I figured I was ready for something more relaxing.

What I didn't know was that the dude (Bubba) was like all 6 of the "Covington" residents in one. He came out during my interview and I was taken a back at his size. He was 6"2 and 375 pounds. The biggest client I had ever worked with by far. When he bounded into the the living room he was humming and then stopped right in front of me and leaned down smiling showing off his IMPRESSIVE set of huge choppers that I was informed he wasn't shy about using. Especially on various body parts when he was upset. He had bitten a chunk out of the old manager's breast-hence why she was the OLD manager. She quit after that.

I should've been more intimidated than I was after reviewing each resident's written behavior plans. For Chuck, Randy, and Joe it was pretty well defined and they all kinda ended the same with you asking them to go to their rooms until they calmed down. The same thing with Bubba unless (it stipulated) he was really angry and then there was only one plan........"RUN!!!"

I was told he wouldn't attack the other residents so you didn't need to worry about protecting them, just worry about saving your own skin. I was also explained to that there were various levels to his rage and that the first two were manageable. Meaning if he came running out of his room yelling or if he was simply just wringing his hands together and trying to get in your face he generally could just be taken "forcefully" under his arm and led back to his room until he was ready to act right.

They told me I'd know when it was time to run because he would come out quick and silent and that his large pop eyes would split. One would be looking to the left and the other to the right. If I were to ever witness this, I needed to get the fuck outta there quick.

Well three months had passed and I'd never seen this demonic "eye thing" I'd been warned about. MANY times however, I'd had to lead him back to his room or give him crap about something inappropriate he'd done like stealing a whole tub of butter and eating it. We had padlocks on the fridge and cabinets because of his treachery. Once he tried to eat Cremora and it formed a big ball in his throat that he started choking on. Because of is enormous girth, we couldn't do the heimlich so we had to squash him against the counter until he coughed it up. IMMEDIATELY he grabbed the ball of Cremora, shoved it back in his mouth and started choking again.

As much as I shouldn't have been, I was still completely caught off guard when I was setting up evening snack one night when I heard my co-worker "Destiny" yell out "RUN girrrrl!!!!" He had trucked right past her but she noticed his eyes and knew instantly what we were in for. I, on the other hand thought I was dealing with "angry Bubba" and kept pouring Kool-Aid not even looking at him when I said "Get the hell outta hear Bubba, it's not ready yet."

He didn't make a move or a sound and I looked up from my toiling only to realize what the fuck they were talking about finally when it came to the "eye/split" thing. They totally were! One was looking one way and the other in the complete opposite direction. "Holy Shit!" I heard myself say and before I could even think about bolting ...he had me.

He reached out with both hands grabbing my long hair and picked me up in the air off of my feet. Once in the air he shook me around back and forth like a Pit-bull who was about to eat a kitten. I felt my hair ripping at the root and all at once he slammed me to the ground and I scrambled under the kitchen table. Destiny had grabbed a broom at this point and was yelling at him enough to distract him so that I could make my escape. "Go bitch! Go!" she cried as he went for her instead but she made her way to the pantry and locked the door while I hauled ass to the bathroom, slamming and locking the door behind me.

I fumbled in my pockets for a cigarette and my hands shook violently as I attempted to light it. I could hear him coming down the hallway for me and he was making a ghastly noise that sounded worse than any shriek in any haunted house I'd ever been to. I toked long and hard on my Newport as he drew closer.

"Thank God the door's locked" I reassured myself as the door knob started to turn. What no one had known until that moment was that the lock on the door wasn't working. It only appeared to lock and as the door slowly began to open, I almost shit my pants. "Fuck!!!!" I screamed as he busted in coming right at me. I had nowhere to go as he closed in on me and so out of desperation, I tried to burn him with my cigarette. Not to be thwarted, he swiftly knocked out it of my hand like he was trained in hand to hand combat by the Navy Seals instead of fucking mentally retarded with the I.Q. of a two year old.

He grabbed me with both hands by the hair again only this time he brought those brilliantly white, huge canines out for a test drive. He was trying to pull my cheek to his mouth and bite a fucking mound off of it and in that moment, I thought I was fucking done for. I was going to be one of those sad people you see in public with some awful physical deformity that makes you feel sorry for the person and wonder what the fuck happened to them.

"NOOO!!!" I screamed defiantly and somehow managed to gather my wits. I mustered enough strength to whip my head away from him but he still had my hair wrapped in his hands. In one mighty burst of "I don't give a fuck" I just started trying to run away from him. I felt strand after strand rip from scalp as I LITERALLY ran out of my own hair. He lost his balance and leaned back against the wall and I was able to naviagate myself into the office that had a WORKING lock a get myself together. 5 minutes later he was fine and wanted me to play "poker chips" with him and I did. Fuckin' A.

It was the WORST attack I've ever suffered at the hands of a developmentally disabled person by far and my neck was messed up for about a month. Not to mention, once we picked up all my hair from the floor it filled two Ziplock freezer bags. Believe it or not I stayed there for another 5 years.

Bubba NEVER got me again though. After that, I was so in tune with his moods that I could tell as soon as his feet hit the floor what level he was at and a couple of times I ended up being "Destiny" to someone else who thought they'd seen it all or knew what Bubba was about. It was a hard lesson to learn.

I Got What Was Coming To Me- And It Was Worth It

2009-07-07T12:51:00.001-07:00

While I wouldn't consider myself a mean spirited person, I can't deny that I don't enjoy playing a good prank if the opportunity knocks. Yesterday...... it beat my door down. One of Medical Assistants I work with (Ravina) called in on our backline and even though I answered by saying

"(The name of our Practice) this is Heidi, how may I help you?"

she still thought she was calling ANOTHER Dr.s office. Here's a transcript of our conversation and bear in mind that Ravina is an older Romanian woman with a very thick accent that sounds like Count Dracula's.

Ravina
Uhhh yessss... I am calling from Dr. Silverman's office and I am calling you to see about where the records for a mutual patient we requested were? Because we have not received them.

Heidi (polite)
What is your name Maam?

Ravina (hesitant)
Ummm... my name is Ravina.

Heidi (sarcastic)
Well Ravina, why don't you check your BUTT because that's where I faxed them to.

SILENCE

Ravina (shocked)
X-cuse me?

Heidi (venomous)
You heard me! I said check your butt! And another thing....we don't like your kind around here and you had better NEVER call this office again! You understand me?

Ravina (angry)
Looook....I don't know what I have done to offend you but you have no right to talk to me this way! I will not stand....

Heidi (condescending)
Ravina! It's me Heidi.

SILENCE

Ravina (stupid)
Oh my God. You got me so bad. You will make fun of me for months and I will deserve it.

Since it happened late yesterday, I didn't get to re-tell this little gem until today and Boy howdy-did I re-tell the shit out of it. I told EVERYBODY. All of our boss', some of the doctors and good bit of the staff. I told it and I laughed and I laughed and I told it. I do a pretty good "Ravina" so I was able to sell her part pretty easily.

Fuck it was funny. I reveled in the many "ha ha's" I derived from her idiocy well until after lunch. At one point I thought "maybe this is too much" but then I thought "well shit, she did say that I'd make fun of her for months and she was right so...."

I neglected to mention that Ravina is a little creepy. In fact one of the girls who shares a station with her told me not long ago (jokingly) "If I ever turn up dead-Ravina did it" so I did start to question my judgement a bit. Especially when I finally ran into her in the head honcho's office after lunch and she looked at me like she hated me but then said "Oh you crazy person" and gave me this weird hug. That's really the only way I can describe it. Weird.

About 20 minutes later I was looking for a bunch of charts I needed for billing problems and had squatted down in front of one of the two shelf, steel, mobile filing carts. I was just thinking to myself how comfortable my new white cargo-capri pants were when all at once I begin to lose my balance. I leaned back into a steel filing cabinet but caught myself before I fell all the way on my ass.

"Whoa...that was a close one" I thought. I mean I could've fell out right near checkout in front of a bunch of patients. What I didn't realize was that when I hurriedly stood up so I wouldn't fall, my new comfy pants caught the edge of the filing cabinet and it slit them like a razor.

Now let me just preface this by saying that back when I lost a bunch of weight four years ago, one of my friends used to torture me about my pantie lines. She said it looked like I had four asses and that since I wasn't a Ham anymore that I should move to thongs. I refused because I think they feel disgusting but I did decide to try "commando" and I had to admit that it did make a big difference in how my clothes looked.

So I think you see where this going...... anyways I felt the draft IMMEDIATELY. I reached my hand around and felt a chunk of my butt hanging out. I clamped my hand tightly over the tear and started backing away slowly. It was Kwantina who busted me.

"Heidi, what the fuck are you doin' girl?"

Wasn't long before I had a circle of my asshole co-workers standing around me laughing hysterically as I confessed my ass was hanging out because I didn't have underwear on. Oh dude, these bitches were relentless. I thought when the skinny white trash chick who works up front got called "Trailer Park Barbie" that was the worst they could do. I was wrong.

The next thing I know I'm in the Nursing Supervisors office being given a pair of her extra underwear. They were brand new but a size 3X and when I asked for suspenders she got a little pissy. Either way-I left early today.

Now I can't really say if it was just pure Karma OR if that vampire put a curse on me with that weird hug but I won't deny that I got what I deserved. I definitely took it too far and if I'm being honest, for that amount of laughs, I'd do it again.

Women don't like looking at Naked Dudes

2009-07-06T03:55:00.000-07:00

Gross.

As it turns out, once the fall out was over, I.T. blocked Facebook, Youtube, Myspace, Playboy and ....what the hell....Playgirl?

We were told that folks in the office had surfed all of these sites and that they were the result of the assload of viruses that were downloaded.

At lunch on Friday as all of us hens sat clucking around the table, we started talking about how obviously one of the Dr.'s had been on Playboy.com but who the hell was on Playgirl?

NONE of us, as it was revealed, like looking a naked dudes. It just doesn't do anything for most chicks. Now there were a couple of gals who admitted that they enjoyed going to "male dance reviews" but they were definitely in the minority. For the most part we all agreed that men are sexier when their third leg is covered. At the time none of us could really come up with a reason as to why there are 50 different nudie girl mag's at the checkout of any gas station but nothing geared for women except that men are just more into the "visual". The same reason they generally have better hand/eye coordination. We all agreed the only reason Playgirl lasted as long it has is because of gay men.

But as my hubby and I talked about it that evening he was really thrown off. He didn't know that I'm not really into it.

"So if there was a naked pic of David Beckham-you wouldn't want to see it? Bullshit." he declared.

I know nothing of soccer except that in my opinion it has produced the hottest fucking athelete of all time. He makes me swoon. But I don't really care to see him spread out in a magazine. Maybe in his boxers in "Details" or shirtless in a pair of loose jeans but that's it.

"Why?" he asked. "I just don't get it."

What I realized is that when a dude is laying there in the buff he comes off as being vulnerable and that's just not sexy to me. There's something bitch-like about it and I would venture to guess that alot of women feel the same way.

Sidebar-One lady was prompted to offer up a story her husband told her about a new guy he worked midnights with some years back. She said that it was the dude's first night on the job and they were all sitting around looking at a Playboy and talking "man shit". Like who was into tits, asses, legs....just their preferences. The new guy piped up and said that he was into pigs. PIGS. Her husband and his buddies laughed their asses off and chalked it up to "the new guy fucking with them."

The next night the guy comes in with proof of his proclivity. During their 2 a.m. bull session he busts out his favorite magazine...... "PlayBoar". According to her husband it was glossy page after glossy page of pigs dressed in tu-tu's and other outfits posed seductively for their potential admirers.

They fired him on the spot.

I tried to see if there was a website for it (I'm sick) but all I could find was this.....

Pass the Zoloft.

2009-07-04T16:04:00.000-07:00

So Fourth of July breakfast started with North Korea shooting off their own special fireworks display this morning.

Only to be followed by an even worse lunch of two U.S. soldiers being killed in Afghanistan.

Dinner, not to be outdone, would take it a step further with the shooting death of NFL superstar Steve Mcnair.

For some reason sparklers and hot dogs just aren't doing it for me today.

Surprise!

2009-07-03T11:18:00.001-07:00

In my years of living on this Earth I have been a witness to public, accidental farting on several occasions. Usually the scenario will be something like the person is passing me in the aisle or bending down to look at something and then very unexpectantly.... (insert fart noise).

The person generally attempts to continue as though nothing has happened as do I while trying to stifle my internal tee-hee's.

And I'm not including the countless times I've turned the corner into a new aisle and be hit square in the face with some creeping death that has just been dispersed by a shopper who is now scrambling for an escape. You'll always see them look back when they get to the end of the aisle just to see if anyone has fallen victim to their air bomb and when your eyes meet it's awkward and you hope you don't see them again ever in the span of your lifetime.

Today however was a first for me.

Even though I had passed the ice cream aisle twice fully intent on NOT buying any, I finally could no longer fight "Ben & Jerry's" siren song. I broke away from the end of the line and went barreling back towards the freezer section to liberate a pint of "Everything But the Kitchen Sink". I do not lie when I tell you that there have been times when tears of joy will fill my eyes as I consume it. It's my heroin.

I plowed down the aisle pushing my cart as though it were full of live explosives and I was attacking the enemy. Only because I realized that if I slowed even a step, rational thought may have taken over and told me to stop this madness and get out of there.

Just as I passed a very nice looking woman in her late fifty's or so.....I heard it. It sounded so bad that I didn't even think it was real for a second. One of those terribly loud, wet sounding ones where you're quite sure the person has messed themselves. But that wasn't the worst part.

I'm not sure if it was because she was caught off guard or if it was just that powerful...but she lost her balance. She farted so hard that she almost fell. Her right foot slid out to the side of her cart but luckily she was able to catch herself and was fine. For some reason though she looked at me with a snarl on her face like it was my fault. Like I MADE her break such an intense wind that it almost knocked her off her feet. She didn't try to get away or pretend it didn't happen. She wanted me to know about it and I think she wanted an apology.

I whipped my head back around as quickly as possible, ran to the freezer door and grabbed the first pint I saw. I'm not sure why I was embarrassed. She's the one who damn near had a blow out.

But anyways I ended up trying a new flavor.....

Thank you Jackass-fart lady. It's freakin' awesome!

What? The Oxi-Clean dude died?

2009-06-28T11:07:00.000-07:00

Alright now, I thought Mike Jackson was gonna be the end to this barrage of expected/unexpected celebrity deaths. O.k. MAYBE Billy Mays isn't actually a celebrity but he is apart of American Pop culture.

I've woke up to him trying to hock the "Awesome Auger" like a million times at 2 a.m. cursing myself for not shutting the t.v. off. Who's next? The "slap chop" moron? The head of "Ronco"? The "Snuggie" people? Will the old people in those "Rascal scooter" commercials finally drive off the side of the Grand Canyon?

It definitely sounds like whatever airline he flew into Tampa on yesterday is gonna get their asses sued off though.

Top this! (Warning-this is not about Michael Jackson)

2009-06-24T16:47:00.000-07:00

During lunch today the gals and I got to chewin' the fat and people started offering up their most embarrassing moments. Now while there were definitely some goodun's, after several near choking deaths from laughter it was decided that yours truly would be the winner......twice.

Now if the story my friend Vanessa had told were her OWN, she totally would've nailed it. Vanessa spun the most disgusting tale about her former fat, ugly supervisor who wore a crooked wig and had some wicked lower Gastro issues.

This poor unfortunate soul had just picked up a Taco Salad and jumped back on 85 South heading back to her job to enjoy it(I guess). Too bad the notoriously evil Atlanta traffic monster desired yet another offering and she was completely entangled in it's happiness sucking web. Side bar- she was eating a mexi-melt right before the jam and it wasn't too long before I assume a familiar rumble began to brew within her mid-section. You know it. MEXI-MELLLLLT!

She was completely blocked into the 3rd lane to the left. No one was moving an inch and she was about to shit her brains out.

"What to do? What to do? Oh I know, I'll shit in the taco salad."

I just imagine she reasoned with herself briefly, maybe she didn't.
But what she DID do was shit in that taco salad, sitting on I-85. Yessir. She pulled up her dress, moved her ass to the passenger seat of her Explorer, hovered her monstrous rump over that Taco Salad and basically...probably.... made it better. It is Taco Bell after all.

I imagine everyone has been in uber thick traffic at some point in their life.
Sitting there like I'm waiting for the world to start again, my mind drifts to some pretty far corners. Can't say for sure if I would ever recover if I was startled out of one of those little day dreams by an elephant with a crooked wig shitting in a taco salad in the Explorer idling beside me. But as I stated before, it was agreed that her story would've won had she been there to tell it herself.

My story begins about 6 or 7 years ago when my husband and I used to have a goofy little mutt named 8-ball. He was my husbands before we met but I quickly fell under his spell and completely spoiled the hell out of him. 8-ball was by all accounts an odd looking mutt. Best we could figure he was basset hound/terrier/something. All black with wirey fur and a tube like body. I used to cuddle the little weirdo every night back in Detroit because it was freezing and he was like a hot water bottle.

He did well in the move to Georgia and also in the first couple of years when we stayed with hubby's parents while we were getting our crap together. However, when we moved into an apartment he started acting like a fool. Tearing up the carpet, chewing up the furniture and crapping in the car every time you took him somewhere. No matter how upset my husband would get, I ALWAYS stood by 8-ball. Babying him and ruining him. I know that now.

Well, on this one particular night I decided to take him for a ride with me. I was running something by to a friend and had a couple of quick errands so I thought he'd get a kick out of coming with. I walked him around first and he took a massive dump so I hoped everything was all good. What we had noticed about 8-ball was that his long body held alot of doggie doo and that the little bastard could shit at will. He was like a revenge pooper or something. Revenge may be best served when it's cold but it sure smells worse when it's hot.

Anyways, I run into my friends house for a sec, come out and everything was fine. I praised him for behaving and off we went to Hibbet's Sports. I SWEAR I walked to the door, asked the lady if they had a certain insert, she said she they didn't and I went right back to the car.

Upon my return I knew something was up because 8-ball was in the back seat. I open my door, look in the passenger seat and sure as the world the little bastard had taken a dump in it. I was furious and began ranting and raging at him but since I had one paper towel in the dashboard and they were solid lincoln logs, I just got in, scooped'em up and threw them out the window.

"You little shit! You're not ruining my night! I'm still going to the video store!"

Like he knew or cared about what the hell I was saying. Psycho.

Now I should also mention that I was fat as fuck at this point in my life. My hubby and I had spent the two years he lived in Detroit with me eating 24 freakin' 7 and I still hadn't lost the weight yet. I'm about 5"7 and I weighed like 260. I was a behemoth HOG.

I continued to berate 8-ball as we pulled into the "Hollywood Video" for my weekend entertainment. (Thank god for Netflix)

I turned and locked eyes with his rebellious car shitting self and gave my sternest warning.

"You lay down and pray that I don't throw you out on the freeway" I'd NEVER do that really but it felt right at the time. And like I said before - this is a fucking dog, like he knows what I'm saying. I'm an Idiot.

So I roll my big ass out of my compact station wagon and waddled on in to make my selections.
It was right after I passed through the anti-theft thingy when I noticed it. Something was sticking off the right side of my extremely wide hip. I swatted at it.

"What the fuck?" I heard myself say aloud as I realized that I had just knocked a huge turd off of my behind in front of about 25 people at the "Hollywood Video" store. My horror was indescribable. I didn't know what to do so I just kept walking straight through the other security thingy and right out the door. I totally didn't pick up the poo or anything. Just bolted.

All I could think of was that for years to come "Hollywood Video" would use the footage of my incident for employee training purposes. Like "risk management plans" for when a fat chick takes a dump in the front of the store and bails. What do you do?

"You can see by this video that it bears some consideration" they'd say.

I also wondered what about the many children who were waiting in line with their Disney videos? Would it warp them forever?

All of this raced through my brain as I rambled back to my ride and jerked the driver's door open with my left hand. My right one was covered in crap so it was just this useless, smelly shit claw that I tried to keep as far away from me as possible.

As I viewed the huge pile of smashed dookie in MY seat I couldn't believe that I hadn't noticed it when I got in the first time. It was HUGE but so was I and in the end I just chalked it up to lazy fatty who just wanted to sit down so bad that she didn't even look.

I had nothing to clean my hand or my seat with so I was forced to ride 10 miles home, sitting in a pile of dog feces and holding my crappy right hand in the air.

Please feel free to share any embarrassing stories ya got. I love'em.

Gone To Look for America

2009-06-17T08:35:00.000-07:00

As I sat there staring blankly at the pasty-face red head who was giving this useless power point presentation, my mind began to drift to Simon and Garfunkle. Well not exactly to them but to their song “Gone to Look for America”.

let us be lovers we’ll marry our fortunes together
I’ve got some real estate here in my bag
So we bought a pack of cigarettes and Mrs. Wagner pies
And we walked off to look for America

Why? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s because I wish I would’ve done that when I was young and sitting through yet another meaningless meeting wherein nothing is ventured or gained, it feels like such a pointless existence. After reading “On the Road” when I was 18, my plans were set. I was absolutely going to break these bonds like “Thundarr the Barbarian” and hitchhike across the country. I was going to see it all.

To this day the furthest west I’ve been is Illinois.

"Kathy, I said as we boarded a Greyhound in Pittsburgh
Michigan seems like a dream to me now
It took me four days to hitchhike from Saginaw
I’ve gone to look for America"

But here I sit. Wasting an hour and a half at a presentation hosted by a medical insurance company that is just to inform its participating providers that its name has changed to “SuperMed”. That’s all. Nothing else.

First of all "Super Med" is the dumbest fucking name I've ever heard of and they are probably paying “crimson crotch” 75 grand a year to power-point me to this miraculous epiphany. Not only that, 40 lunches were purchased and I was paid throughout my time there. Their fucking name changed. An email would’ve sufficed.

I’m hearing so much about how this new healthcare bill is going to be the shit because it will force providers to become more efficient. Yeah…o.k. The docs I work for see on average 32 patients a day because the reimbursements continue to be lowered. Under the new plan there will be even deeper cuts so that they will have to see 40 patients a day. That’s not efficient. That’s the DMV.

"Laughing on the bus
Playing games with the faces
She said the man in the gabardine suit was a spy
I said be careful his bowtie is really a camera"

Wouldn’t it make more sense to force the insurance companies to stop wasting money on bullshit like these jag-off initiatives so that they could lower their premiums and make insurance more affordable? I mean other than the name change this ginger bitch rambled on about how the company updates her screensaver all the time to cool sports stars and if you log in and tell them that you “worked out” for and hour today or that you don’t smoke that you’ll earn points that you can redeem for gift cards.

Shut the fuck up. I have to pinch myself so I don’t say it.

"Toss me a cigarette, I think there’s one in my raincoat
we smoked the last one an hour ago
As I looked at the scenery, she read her magazine
And the moon rose over an open field"

There’s a line in “Gladiator” I think where Richard Harris says “There once was a dream called Rome.” When I was 18 there was a dream called America. At least that’s how I thought of it then. This vast place where anything was possible. No where in that dream was a board room in a hospital with a bunch of ape-faced old bitches complaining about fee schedules and warm chicken salad sandwiches.

"Kathy, I’m lost, I said, though I knew she was sleeping
I’m empty and aching and I don’t know why
Counting the cars on the New Jersey turnpike
They’ve all gone to look for America
All gone to look for America
All gone to look for America"

10sy's

2009-06-13T14:59:00.000-07:00

10 questions I would love to know the answers to right now at this very moment.

1. What should we do to North Korea if they don't chill?

2. Will there still be a "middle class" in this country by the the year 2020?

3. Where should I go to find the perfect dress for a wedding next Saturday that will be cool yet have long enough sleeves to cover my beefy arm-aroni's?

4. Will the Red Wings loss be the final crushing blow to what's left of the spirit of Detrioters?

5. How can anyone NOT believe the Holocaust happened?

6. Did David Carradine (Grasshopper) really just die while hanging himself from his nut sack?

7. If Six Flags would've gotten a new ad campaign that was better than a dancing buffoon in an old man's mask, would they have generated more revenue?

8. What would happen if Dodge/Chrysler said "Piss off! Were going to start making all steel cars with fins again!"

9. Do people who voted for Obama BECAUSE he was black realize they are racist?

10. After watching "The Wrestler" last night, how did Sean Penn beat out Mickey Rourke for the Oscar?

Prelude To a Blog...

2009-05-28T02:36:00.000-07:00

As I've stated previously, I've never finished any project that I've EVER started.

The following is the beginning of a screen play that I abandoned that chronicles the time when I dated a gang banger for 6 months.

It's just the set up and it looks weird as I copied and pasted from my Final Draft software but I think you'll get the gist.

I'm thinking about "blogging" out the rest of the story and then maybe, possibly, I'll be able to finish it. At least in some context.

It probably sucks but here ya go......

DARK SCREEN AS OPENING CREDITS ROLL

We hear Beavis and Butthead initializing another relentless mental assault against the fragile Principal McVicker. His frustrated stutter grows worse and worse until it is finally drowned out by their notorious annoying laughs. Another noise, similar to an exotic jungle bird squawking begins to drown them out.

FADE IN:BEECHWOOD GROUP HOME - 1994

CUT TO:
THROUGH FLUTTERING OPENING EYES WE SEE THE SOURCE OF THE NOISE. A LARGE NAKED BLACK MAN IS STANDING OVER US.

NAKED MAN

AWWWWWKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!

He is biting his knuckle, slapping his thigh and coming in close to the camera with a “What’d you say bout my mama?” look in his eyes.

This is DARREN.

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

THE CAMERA PANS OUT and we see his victim lying on the couch in the glow of the t.v. It’s a cute girl in her early twenties wearing a t-shirt, ripped jeans, Doc Martens and piercings in her eyebrows. This is STEPH.

STEPH(scrambling to get up)

Dammit Darren! You scared the crap outta me! What are you doin outta bed?

He doesn’t reply as she grabs him under his muscular arm and leads him down an oversized hallway back to a place where we assume naked, squawking black men are more welcomed. DARREN doesn’t try to get away but does continue to bite his knuckle with a look of pure hatred on his face.

STEPH(calmer)

Now enough. It’s time for sleep.

(beat)

O.k.?

Steph gently pushes Darren into the room and turns to walk away. In a split second Darren re-emerges from the dark room in a rather startling fashion squawking and grabbing at Steph’s hair.

DARREN

AWWWWWWKKKKKKKKK!!!

Without an ounce of visible fear, Steph instantly grabs this bare-assed guy whose twice her size, opens the door with her hip and drags him inside.

INT. BEDROOM-CONTINUOUS

Steph quickly walks Darren over to his twin size bed and forcefully sits him down on it with a bounce. He still looks pretty pissed but appears to accept that he’s been bested.

STEPH(angrily)

Now! LIIIIIE DOWN!

Darren does as he’s told and Steph begins to cover him up.

She tucks him in tight and seems to silently apologize for yelling as she does so. It’s clear that she cares for him but has to be stern.

STEPH

Alright dude.....good night.

As she turns to leave we see from the light of the hallway that Darren has a room mate. He is also black, in his early thirties and appears to have wedged his penis between his box springs and mattress and is adamantly screwing them. This is STAN.

STAN(uabashedly)

Ughhhhhh!!!! Ughhhhhhh!!! Ughhhhhh!!!!

STEPH(crossing her arms)

Are you fuckin’ kiddin’ me Stan?

STAN immediately pulls up his pajama pants and jumps back under the covers. He stares at Steph with a devilish smile on his bearded face. She shakes her head as we begin to hear a squeaking noise behind her and she turns to look.

DARREN IS MASTURBATING AND APPEARS TO BE FURIOUS

STEPH

(gagging)Barf. I mean really guys...I better not hear shit else from either of you tonight.

INT. HALLWAY- CONTINUOUS

As steph re-enters the wheel chair accessible hallway we hear the sweet sounds of Social Distortion began to play in the background.

TITLE CARD - SO WHAT

THE CAMERA FOLLOWS her through the house and we see that other than the large hallway with lit exit sign, we are in what appears to be a pretty normal middle class ranch-style home. Modest halloween decorations hang about and the place is furnished decently. Steph continues on through the kitchen towards the music coming from the family room. Another cute girl in her early twenties, dressed similarly but with short hair and sportin’ an Elmer Fudd hat jumps around wildly in front of the stereo.

This is MINA.

STEPH(playfully pissed)

Where the fuck were you? I woke up to choco-balls and dick floppin’ in my face again.

MINA

Ummmm, your welcome.

STEPH

Your a whore.

MINA(laughing)

Dude, Teddy’s here but he’s being a chicken shit and won’t come inside. I was just comin’ to get you.

STEPH

God he’s such a queer. Does he at least have our hits?

CUT TO:EXT. DRIVEWAY-NIGHT

PARKED IN THE DRIVEWAY ARE 3 DIFFERENT CRAPPY 80’S MODEL DOMESTIC CARS. STEPH, MINA AND TEDDY ARE ARGUING AND SMOKING CIGS IN THE CHILLY FALL MICHIGAN AIR.

TEDDY’s around the same age with a scruffy beard, wearing a flannel and well.... basically the grunge uniform of the time.

TEDDY(agitated towards Steph)

I don’t give a shit if you think it’s stupid. It fucked me up and I’ve been afraid of’em ever since man.

MINA

Sooo you saw a retarded guy at Mcdonald’s or something... like a long time ago... and now they freak you out?

TEDDY

(disgusted)Is that what you told her Steph?

(beat) No Mina, your friend is just an asshole. What happened to me was just a little bit more horrible than that.

STEPH(hiding her face)

Please.... fuck no, I can’t hear this again.

THE CAMERA CLOSES IN ON TEDDY’S DREAMING FACE AS HE BEGINS TO HAVE A FLASHBACK.

INT. MCDONALDS - DAY

Teddy appears to be in his teens and is sitting alone at a table chowing down on some killer Mickey D’s. He has braces and tons of acne.

An elderly WOMAN and rather large MAN sit down at the table beside of him. The woman appears to be the man’s mother as she sets up his food for him.

He is quiet and stares down at the floor with a bit of drool running out of his mouth which his mother quickly dabs away. Teddy nervously watches and eats.

MOTHER

O.k. sweetie, mommie’s going to the bathroom. You just eat your cheeseburger like a good boy alright sweetheart?

The man remains silent as his mother exits and the look of concern on Teddy’s face continues to grow.

SUDDENLY the man begins to slap his hamburger and french fries together in his hands and scream the same word over and over.

MAN

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck!!!!!!!!

Teddy is frozen in fear with a fry hanging from his mouth when the man lurches across the table at him, grabs his Big Mac and slowly caresses Teddy’s face.He strokes Teddy’s hair sensually as he bites into the burger and inch from his face. Teddy can only muster a silent scream as the man then spits it out on the table and begins to laugh hysterically.

MOTHER

Tony, you get yourself over here right now mister.

Sir? (to Teddy)

Are you alright?

TEDDY FROZEN IN FEAR AS URINE RUNS OUT OF HIS PANT LEG.

TEDDY(back from flashback)

So do you get it now?

STEPH

Can you stop being such a fag?

TEDDY

That depends, can you make my ass stop wanting cock inside of it?

MINA(to Teddy)

Ughhhhh...noooo....why???Teddy appears to be pleased with his minor victory of grossing Mina out.

STEPH

O.k. then why the fuck did you agree to come up here and drop with us tonight? (beat)

Did you think we were going to just hang out in the front yard all night?

Hands in pockets Teddy looks down kicking rocks.

TEDDY(mumbling)

I didn’t have shit else to do.

MINA

Well that hasn’t changed soooo....look they are all in bed. You won’t even see’em... we swear.

STEPH(nodding)

Swear.

CUT TO:INT. FAMILY ROOM-NIGHT

Corrosion of Conformity plays in the background as Teddy, Mina and Steph sit around a coffee table passing a joint and intensely playing Candyland. The clock behind Steph reads 2:00 a.m.

STEPH

Oh my God dude, I am in the fuckin’ Candy Land right now and I AM trippin’ my tits off.

MINA(huge smile nodding)

Teddy this is some clean shit. Please tell me you got a whole sheet?

TEDDY(ignoring the question)

So Steph how’s it going living with Amee? Been raped by any random black guys yet?

Mina slaps him on the arm and gestures for him to shut-up.

STEPH

So she likes the night stick? Big deal.

STEPH (cont'd)

She leaves me alone and fucking anything beats moving back in with my parents.

MINA

Have you heard from Allen?

STEPH

No....I think he’s finally accepted it.

(beat)How bout we not talk about personal drama while were supposed to be escaping from reality? K?

TEDDY

Wait....what are you talkin’ about?

Teddy takes off his flannel and reveals his t-shirt for the first time. It’s a silk screen print of the posthumous Kurt Cobain Rolling Stone cover.

STEPH(pointing to Teddy’s shirt)

That’s what! Why the hell do you want us thinking about Kurt Cobain blowing his fucking head off tonight Teddy?

MINA

Yeah man, I cried for like 3 or 4 minutes when that issue came in the mail.

TEDDY

Are you serious? You guys are the retards. These mother fuckers(pointing around) need to be wiping your asses.

Steph is in a zombie like trance as she stares at the shirt.

STEPH

I think he just talked to me. (closing her eyes)He said Courtney did it.

TEDDY

You shut your mouth! She LOVED him!

MINA(diplomatic)

O.kkkkkkk., just turn it inside out or something for god’s sake.

Teddy reluctantly stands and starts to comply.

STEPH

Noooooo sir. You go in the bathroom. I couldn’t possibly handle seeing your gay, man-child torso right now.

Teddy looks nervously towards the hall.

STEPH

Dude it’s not like their not gonna drink your blood or something.

TEDDY

Whaaaat?!

Mina begins to laugh hysterically slapping the table.

TEDDY (O.S.)(walking out)

Yeah...yeah.

Teddy is barely gone from view when Steph and Mina begin conspiring.

STEPH(conniving)

O.k. I’ll get the stuff set up....you go get Jerry.

MINA

You realize this may be the laugh that kills us.

STEPH(patriotic)

That’s a risk I’m willing to take.

CUT TO: TEDDY FLUSHING THE TOILET.

He strides to the sink quickly and begins ferociously washing his hands as he is clearly trying to get the hell out of there a.s.a.p. He glances up at the mirror and his face transforms to reveal absolute revulsion.

A GIANT GREEN BOOGER WIPED ACROSS THE MIRROR.

TEDDY(manically)

Oh...I’m gonna ralph...

As he reaches for a paper towel we begin to hear the opening chords of “Blind” by Korn eminating from the hallway. As the music grows louder and louder (O.S.) teddy drys his hands at warp speed and begins to run for the door.

TEDDY(under his breath)

Those stupid bitches.

CUT TO:TEDDY’S POINT OF VIEW- SLOW MOTION

The door opening is in sequence to Johnathan Davis finally unleashing his vocals with “ARRRE YOUUUU READDDDY??!!!!”

Hopping towards Teddy like a giant, psychotic bunny rabbit(also in sequence to the vocals) is house resident JERRY.

Jerry is 6”4 and about 360 pounds. He is wearing a clown wig and Pajamas and his facial features change menacingly in the strobe light that has been positioned behind him in the dark hall way.

SERIES OF ALTERNATING QUICK SHOTS BETWEEN TEDDY’S FACE SHRIEKING AND JERRY’S CHILD LIKE FACE MORPHING INTO A FULL FLEDGED DEMON.

CUT TO:TEDDY RUNNNING DOWN THE HALL TOWARDS THE EXIT SIGN SCREAMING.

Teddy scrambles past naked Darren and Stan who have also made their way into the hallway and kicks the back door to freedom with all his might.

The door opens to reveal Steph standing there wearing an O.J. Simpson mask and brandishing a bloody knife. Teddy locks up in fear and looks like a petrified tree.

He slumps slowly to the floor. Steph removes the mask and starts laughing but stops abruptly when she realizes that Teddy is possibly catatonic.

STEPH(grabbing Teddy)

Shut the music off! Turn the lights on!

Steph pats Teddy on his face lightly as the music dies and the lights come up and reveals another resident who has been awakened. She’s petite, in her thirties and has her index finger pointed at her own face as though she’s telling herself off. This is ANGIE.

ANGIE

I hit people right! That’s right bitch!

Mina along with the rest of the residents now gather round Steph, Teddy and Angie.

ANGIE(still pointing to her face)

I said I hit people right! Bitch!

MINA

Noooo Angie... you didn’t do anything. This is our fault.

(CONT’D)
Dude if he dies.... this is going to be a really bad trip.

JERRY

Was wrong wit him? Is he sad?

Steph cradles Teddy in her arms and continues slapping his face as he continues to stare blankly at the ceiling.

DARREN

AWWWWWWWWKKKKKKKKK!!!!!

Mina attempts to corral Darren away from the situation at hand.

STEPH(desperate)

Snap out of it FAGGOT!!!

Teddy’s eyes flutter slowly as he cuts his gaze towards Steph.

TEDDY(whispering slowly)

Please get them away from me before my heart explodes you fucking cunt.

Steph looks over joyed as she triumphantly grasps Teddy’s cheeks in her hands and squeezes them like a Grandma.

STEPH(to everyone)

Who wants ice cream?

CUT TO:INT. STEPH’S CAR - DAY (MOVING)

Steph bangs her head tremendously and passionately sings along to loud rock music as she pulls into a parking space. she looks pretty haggard and yawns while she is thrashing. As she steps out of the car we see that she is in a development of nicely kempt, modest town homes. She sings to herself as she turns the key in the lock and pushes the door open.

STEPH

What the fuck?

As she enters the living room there is a very fat naked white woman having sex with a a very skinny BLACK MAN on the floor. The woman is Steph’s roommate AMEE.

AMEE

Duuuuuude!!!! Get out!! Come back later.

The man rolls over and looks back to view whose addressing them and appears to like what he sees.

BLACK MAN

Now c’mon girl, let’s talk about this. Ain’t no need for your pretty lil friend to be rushing off nah. Let’s take some time to get to knoooow each other.

He wipes his hand on Amee’s ass and then reaches it out to aid his introduction to Steph.

BLACK MAN

Hi, I’m Perry

Steph declines his gesture and shoots daggers at Amee who looks more than a little bit humiliated. Steph says nothing as she backs out closing the door.

CUT TO:INT. SMALL CRAPPY KITCHEN - DAY

Steph takes a peek in the fridge only to find nothing but a bowl of some kind of batter with a spoon sticking out of it.

She takes a seat at the distressed table and lights up a Kool out of a pack she finds laying on the table.

MAN’S VOICE (O.S.)

What the hell are you doin in there? Smokin’ my cigarettes?

Steph puts it out hastily in a giant 70’s style ashtray that is filled to the brim with butts. Right on cue the questioner enters the room. It’s a burly bearded man in his early 40’s. He’s wearing “once” whitey tighties, rubbin’ his belly and belching as he enters the room. This is HARRY Steph’s step-dad.

HARRY

I knew you was smokin’em. You little shit, what are you doin’ here? I thought you moved out with your nigger lovin’ girl friend.

Harry walks to the fridge, opens it and stares at the batter bowl. When his back turns to us we see a large brown streak on his underwear and he lets a wet fart. Steph looks physically disgusted.

STEPH

Yeah well... I just worked a double and I didn’t know that they were spraying for bugs at our place this morning and I just needed to crash here for a few hours.

Harry shuffles over and plops down at the table lighting a Kool just for him.

HARRY

Whatever. Will you go get me some White Castles?

STEPH

I just told you that I’m tired as shit and I really need to lay down...

He pitches her a cigarette.

HARRY

I’ll set you up with some if you go

.CUT TO:EXT. DRIVEWAY- DAY

Steph is getting out of the car carrying sacks of White Castle's when we hear screaming coming from the small lower middle class home she’s about to enter.

HARRY (O.S.)

Well if you ever were a real woman and had sex with your husband sometimes maybe there would be groceries in this house!

Steph looks even more haggard as she looks around quickly and notices one neighbor next door raking leaves and listening intently.

WOMAN’S VOICE (O.S.)

Well maybe if you ever washed your ass or spoke to me like a human being I would.

Steph enters the small poorly decorated living room to find Harry screaming at a petite blond woman in her pajamas also in her early 40’s smokin a cigarette with deep black circles under her eyes. This is Steph’s mom SHARON.

HARRY

I mean Goddamn Sharon, when are you gonna stop being crazy? This shit’s been going on for a fucking decade already.

Sharon snatches a bag of White Castles from Steph’s hand and starts beating Harry all over his body with it.

SHARON

You evil bastard! Your the reason I’m crazy! You did this to me!!!

STEPH

Mommmmm....not the food for christ sakes.

Harry and Sharon continue to scream and argue as Steph grabs a couple of burgers out of the sack and leaves the rest on the floor model television. She silently leaves the room and heads for the basement door.

INT. BASEMENT (CONTINUOUS)

Steph falls out on a nasty looking old couch and clicks on the t.v. She flips and flips searching for anything as she chows down on her White Castle’s. She stops on the 700 Club and listens to all the predicitions of the end of time and what not.As both of the cronies spew their nonsense, the camera closes in on Steph’s face. After a couple of seconds the face changes to that of a little girl (young Steph).

INT. SMALL 70’S STYLE CHURCH

We hear preaching coming from O.S. as the camera pans to reveal that the small church is filled with parishioners.

PREACHER(screaming)

And I know some of you in here tonight are saying to yourselves, he’s not talking to me. I’m a good person, I’m not going to hell.

PREACHER(cont’d)(softer)

Well children I’m here to tell that if you haven’t been washed in the blood of the lamb, that’s exactly where your going. God only takes those who have been saved and we are living in the last days....that’s right.

The preacher dabs the white bits of spit that have gathered in the corners of his mouth with a handkerchief and breathes heavily into the microphone.

PREACHER

Can I get our singers to come up?

A small group of women of all different sizes and ages make their way to the tiny stage behind the pulpit carrying hymnals. One sits down at an ancient plain piano and begins lightly playing.

PREACHER

Jesus is giving you another chance tonight and if you want what he has to offer..come on up here.

GROUP OF SINGERS

Soft-ly and ten-der-ly Jesus is calling. Calling for you and for me....

Young Steph stares blankly at the persuasive spectacle before her.

PREACHER

We all know were coming to the end. He’s coming back soon and you can either have your name in the Book of Life,be saved and go home to paradise or....or... children you can stay here...stay here and take the mark of the beast.

PREACHER(cont’d)

Stay here and have your skin ripped from it’s bones by flying snakes with gnashing, razor like teeth...

CUT TO:INT.BASEMENT-DAY

Steph sits straight up awake and appears to be extremely startled.

STEPH

Fuck that.

CUT TO:INT.-STEPH’S CAR-MOVING-NIGHT

Steph and Mina are smoking cigarettes and bobbing their heads in unison to the music pumping out of the crappy factory stereo. As they drive we can begin to see that they are in a very dilapidated neighborhood. Stereotypical, dirty Detroit. Steph cuts the music down suddenly.

STEPH

O.k. man, where the hell is this place? Were like so deep into crack town right now it’s insane.

Mina begins to rummage through her purse.

MINA

Wait you got off at Livernois right?

STEPH

Yes, just like you said and I haven’t seen any place that would resemble a club we’d go to.

Mina’s digging finally pays off as she finally finds the flyer she’s looking for.

MINA

O.k., o.k. It says right here Livernois exit. We must’ve passed it. Just make a U-ey and go back.

STEPH

Oh for fuck’s sake.

Steph makes the U-turn and they come to a stop at a red light. They seem to be the only car on the road until ominous bass booming (O.S.) begins to draw closer. Both girls look as though they are bracing for the worst. Beside of them in an old beat up muscle car pulls up two good looking guys also in their early twenties. The passenger appears to be white but the driver is obviously Hispanic. They both look over at the same time and smile slyly.

STEPH(whispering for no reason)

Duuuuude...they are like some hot ass criminals or sumthin...and they want me to roll the window down.

The passenger rolls his window down with a confidant look that says he is fully intent on making some conversation during their tenure at the red light.

MINA(frustrated)

Steph, I know your fucking mentally disabled but c’mon. We - are- in- the- fuck-ing- ghet-toooooo. Are you serious?

Steph rolls down the window anyway.

PASSENGER

Soooo, on our way to a Pearl Jam concert are we?

Both guys look at each other and simultaneously break up into laughter.

STEPH(to mina)

You like this? They’re like so totally breaking our balls.

MINA

Wow, I’ve never been taunted by gang bangers before. What should we do?

STEPH

I dunno...

Steph shifts in her seat uncomfortably deciding what to do.

STEPH(yelling to guys)

Yeah but I’m sure a couple of stereotypical gangster types like yourself would have no idea where anything like that would be?

Both mens smiles fade.

MINA(poking steph)

Shut up asshole!

STEPH(cont’d)

Bet if we were looking for a Scarface concert you’d know all bout it bout it.

After about 5 seconds of uncomfortable silence both men erupt into volcanic bellows of laughter.

PASSENGER

Alright girl, alright. Seriously you guys are lost though right?

STEPH

Were trying to get to a club called Mass Hysteria.

PASSENGER

OH, no shit? I know exactly where that is. You can follow us if you want.

CUT TO:STEPH AND MINA FOLLOWING TAIL LIGHTS.

The car has left the main road and they are now traveling through a residential neighborhood that looks like it has been partially napalmed. Tall Detroit row houses hold each other up against the narrow car filled streets.

MINA

Ultimate bad idea, fucking horrible. Where the hell are they taking us?

Steph’s eyes dart around cautiously as she trys to keep her composure together.

STEPH(falsely reassuring)

Dude, will you chill already? We are in a moving vehicle that can be used as a “get away car” if necessary. Ever heard of one of those?

No sooner do the words leave Steph’s lips do we see that the street has dead ended at a house and Hector and Chris quickly park their car and swiftly jump out.

MINA(panicked)

Fuck man, fuck!! Were gettin raped. Like probably with Colt 45 bottles and shit.

STEPH

Lock your door..I’m turnin’ around.

MINA

My fuckin’ door’s been locked since we got off the freeway. Yours hasn’t!!!???

Steph puts the car in reverse as both guys step out in front of her in such a way that she would have to hit them in order to go forward.

STEPH(finally shaken)

Ohhhh shit.

Chris walks over to Steph’s window and raps lightly on the glass smiling the whole time.

Canoe Trippin'

2009-05-25T13:56:00.001-07:00

Recently I rode a horse for the first time in AGES. I can't really remember when the last time was and maybe it'll come to me later but I can't imagine what would have made me not ride for this long.

Being out there on "Toby" riding in an absoloutely breathtaking open field of bright yellow buttercups, completely encased by the lush Blue Ridge Mountains....well... I could'a died in that moment and that would've been just fine.

The weather was immaculate. Sunny, breezy, low seventies. We plodded along after our guide and within 15 minutes I was totally connected with this horse. All of our movements coincided and I began to feel intensely powerful but at the same time it was tempered with an egg wash of vulnerability.

There's just the steady knowledge that you have control over this animal but that you also have NO control. Kind of a rush. Especially when we rode them into the river. I felt like such a badass. Well at least like an extra in "Tombstone".

Afterwards I started thinking about other stuff I haven't done in years that I used to enjoy. The first thing that popped into my mind was canoeing.

Back in my early twenties when I lived in Michigan, a group of us would take a six hour canoe trip every summer. No rapids or anything. Just a peaceful river that you could get completely wasted on as you glided through the murky blue witnessing water.

For 3 years it was the same crew and always perfect. Big bag of dope, cooler of booze and laughs ensued. Well that is until the last hour and a half when you're totally trashed and trying to paddle a canoe as fast as you can because you've been in a canoe for 4 1/2 hours and your fucking over it but you never seem to remember that part.

However the 4th and final year that I went, my extremely fat and obnoxious roommate Sharon invited herself along. She was just like that. Clueless and careless about other's feelings and so certain that everyone wanted her around. I could hardly stand her but she charged me super cheap rent and I really liked her kid.

My canoe crew were in no way excited and subsequently spent alot more time farther down the river from me than ever before. Usually we coasted side by side passing a giant pair of stolen hemostats with a lit doob hangin' from them.

Right from the get go she had trouble getting into the canoe because she was a mastodon and so the decision was made for her to sit FACING me in the bow.

Meaning- Her fat ass wouldn't be paddling.

Twenty minutes into it I just kept praying some giant magic snake would drop down from a tree limb and bite her potato-like face off.

Of course that didn't happen but because my "buddies" had paddled so far ahead and I couldn't hear their warning and because "two-tons" was facing me instead of looking at the water, I didn't know there was a giant rock sticking up in the middle of the river just ahead.

"Duuuuuude!!!" she screamed as her body lurched forward violently as we crashed into our very own iceberg. And going by how dramatic she was acting, we might as well have been on the fucking Titanic.

She had her fat toes wrapped under the middle seat when we hit and I guess they all got kinda jammed up. Not broken, just stubbed. It probably did hurt but fuck her. She was a lazy bitch who should've been paddling.

And it probably didn't help that the other ships in our convoy were watching as they kinda figured what was to be and were all laughing with raw abandon.

"Fuck you guys!!!" Sharon screamed in theatrical agony.

"Hey man, look, here....just have a beer." I snaked my hand into the cooler as fast as I could and handed her a long neck of "shut the hell up".

"What the hell is wrong with you dude? Were you not paying attention? Jesus, I never would've came had I known you were going cripple me."

Ohhhhh... urge to kill. Urge to kill.

"Take a big hit from Karina in the next canoe and just let IT sink to the bottom of this river before you smash her skull in with your paddle."

I repeated that three times in my head before I actually could complete the action.

My friends feeling sorry for me now hung closer and toked down as I started to deplete our cooler resources in rapid succession.

"Slow down dude" I heard her say a couple of times but I was too far gone at that point.

Sharon had brought the the thunder and now I was gettin' "Willy Nelson" drunk in order to try and enjoy the trip that I looked forward to every year and that SHE was now completely shitting on.

I remember I had to pee like bad and all of a sudden and since I was almost blithering at this point I hollered that fact out to my mates.

"Ahoy! I have to piss!"

There wasn't really a good sand bar that was close to pull the boats up on so it was decided that we would pull up to a chunky bank line and the front person would get out and drag the canoe up the bank so the person in the rear could get out.

Now even though I had just watched my friends do this, for some reason in my drunken highness, I didn't think this applied to me. I just assumed that I could get out of this canoe sitting in 4 feet of water and I stated that fact.

I'm told I said something to the effect of "Well, I'm not waiting on all this. I'm getting out now" like I was Frank Sinatra in a cab stuck in traffic.

Sounds right.

"No! NO!"

They all pleaded with me to amend my decision and made what sounded like odd statements at the time such as "It's not possible" and "you can't do that".

Of course I could. Those bitches were crazy.

I still remember every hard line in Sharon's face as she snatched up two wine coolers and glared at me with this "Your gonna do this aren't ya?" look that still makes me laugh everytime I think about it.

And so with the determination of a fired bullett, over went my left leg (no stopping now) and at a snail's pace.... so did everything else.

The canoe tipped in slow motion as Sharon made no attempt to even swim out. She just clutched those bottles closely to her chest and stared bloody daggers at me as she was put upon her side by my created inertia and quite gracefully (for a sasquatch) floated out into the river. It was almost historical looking.

I was drunk but looking back I think the reason that I got SO drunk was so that I'd do something just that stupid. That way my old roomie would be put off in such a way that she would definitely never ask to join my "real" friends and I on any other adventure EVER.

It totally worked.

Medicare Replacements Can Eat My Butt

2009-05-19T02:37:00.000-07:00

I had just laid the receiver in its cradle for the 50th time that morning when Allison buzzed me from checkout.

“Hey man, didn’t you say that we’re not in network with the Humana PPO Medicare Replacement?” Her voice sounded muffled and hushed so I assumed that the patient was standing right in front of her.

“Yep, we are not sooo…” and apparently that was all she needed to hear as her response was just a quick “o.k.” followed by a dial tone.

I continued on with my toiling until moments later when Allison came bursting through my faux glass sliding cubicle door. It’s a pathetic excuse for a door but at least it’s frosty. I always feel like I’m inside of a beer mug when I look through it and that’s not too shabby.

Anyways, Allison seemed exceptionally frustrated as her arms waved about like those blowy clown things they put in front of mattress stores to attract attention from the highway.

“Look man, will you come up front and talk to this dude? He’s being totally unreasonable and he’s gotta bill because it was applied to his deductible and he says someone should’ve told him this was going to happen and I dunno…. just please come and deal with him because I can’t do this shit.”

By this point in the morning I was totally over ALL of it so I had no issues with going up front and giving this cat the old “It’s your insurance” speech.

Still, it was kind of odd to see Allison so rattled by an indifferent patient.

With an “A-Team “ like spring in my step I set off to kick some ass when Allison abruptly jumped in front of me and stopped me in my tracks.

“Look, I should warn you that he’s like a “Christopher Reeves” and shit. Like he’s in this chair and he controls everything with a tube that goes in his mouth annnnnnd…..he’s a bastard.”

I recoiled in horror. “You’re fucking bullshitting me?”

Her slowly shaking head sent the chill down my spine that graciously attacked my legs and made them walk forward to face the situation.

My fellow biller Tory in the next “cube” was laughing uncontrollably at her own good fortune. Luckily for her, she was taking a call or fate wouldn’t have afforded her the luxury of skipping this one.

“Your going up the next 4 times whore. I get a quadriplegic?! Horse shit.”

I could hear her laughing intensify as I cut the corner heading towards another grueling encounter wherein I explain to some sad sack that they’ve “been screwed over by their Insurance plan” and that “yes” they Do owe us money. It sucks major balls and I despise it.

Only this time, my song and dance would be delivered to a “quad”. Christ help me. I’m a horrible collector anyways but especially from the elderly or the crippled. I’m much more suited for my furious key-stroking talents but budget cuts have dictated that I adapt and do the best that I can.

Long story short (too late) this handy-snaps was an incredible human being who accepted the line of shit I had to give’em.

It goes like this- the insurance plan that he had last year was “Humana Gold Choice” which was a “fee for service” plan so even though we were not in “Network” , they still paid us at 100% after co-pay. What had now happened to this gentlemen was that “Gold Choice’s” price went up exponentially and he was offered this new “Humana PPO” Medicare replacement that was cheaper and (supposedly) had hardly any changes. It even used the same ID number.

However, one BIG difference was that if the Doctor or hospital you go to is not in their Network then the patient is subject to a $500.00 deductible. I don’t think you ever feel more evil than when you tell some70 year old on a fixed income that he has to come up with 500 extra bucks. I had one cry on me when I told him.

Fuck.

See and here’s the thing, freakin’ Medicare doesn’t even impose a 500.00 deductible on a regular Dr.s visit. It’s more like around one hundred dollars for the year on office visits. AND the practice I work for as well as the hospital we are in conjunction with have decided not to sign contracts with any of these “gazillion” Medicare Replacement programs that are out there because they don’t even guarantee the same rate of reimbursement as shoddy ass Medicare. That’s sorry if you hadn’t guessed.

But back to the pole smokers at Humana- They totally butt raped the old and the mangled by not fully explaining to these folks what would happen to them by going to this “Network” based plan and giving them the option to just go back to Medicare or switch to a different Medicare replacement that’s also a “fee for service” type of deal. Now they’re all stuck with it for the year.

It was extremely sad to see the anger in this man’s eyes dissolve into bitter acceptance. Like every fucking day isn’t a struggle for this guy. He has to pay someone to get him up, to feed him and on top of that he has to pay avoidable deductibles that have been put upon him by lying cock-face insurance companies.

ANDI also find out as I’m writing the pre-signed check out for his balance, that 10 years ago he was just like me.

“I was just cruising down this two-lane country road one night in my “Jag” with the top down and out of nowhere…… I hit a mother-fucking cow. Just random ya know? Cow asleep in the fucking road.”

I really had no response other than to tell him that I loved his bumper sticker.

It read “CAUTION- I Swerve and Hit People”

Hopefully a Human Medicare Replacement “Rep” will cross his path again soon. Bastards.

Fake Book

2009-05-09T03:52:00.000-07:00

Yes I realize there are about a thousand blogs that chronicle just how lame Facebook really is. The reason WHY I know that is because upon the deactivation of my account a few weeks ago, I googled "Facebook Sucks" just to reassure myself that I wasn't the only one who thought so. I always just assume I'm wrong about everything.

Many points were made in various entry's that I fully agree with such as; how gay it is when couples write about completeing such simple tasks as making dinner or picking up their kids on each other's "walls" like ANYONE gives a rat's ass.

And I can totally get on board with the fact that alot of the participation hinges on pure narcissism because just so you know, nobody gives a damn what your 5 favorite cereals are or your top 5 things you never leave the house without. All they really care about is telling you what their fav 5 butt licks might be.

I worry about what your 5 favorite beers are almost as much as I cry myself to sleep at night wondering if Brett Favre will make another come back. By the way you old bastard, go lay down and stop ruining Sports Center for me.

The catalyst for my departure was none of those things however. For me it was the simple fact that I realized there were reasons that I haven't spoken to many of the people who inevitably "found" me on Facebook. The biggest being that they are losers and after your done tripping down memory lane, that's what you remember most and then your stuck lookin' at their stupid faces everyday and reading about how crappy their lives are now. If you really wanted these dick slaps in your life you would've kept in contact with them in the first place.

Or even worse, everyone at your job is on it and they all start "requesting" you as if you don't see these ass hats enough during the 40 hours a week that your mandated to spend with them. They can't seem to make the connection that you never sit with them at lunch or ask about their personal lives at work so why would you want to spend your "off" time reading about them?

I imagine this only holds true for thirty-somethings and up like myself, not highschool and college kids which the site was intended for in the first place. It just seems like older folks who get on there actually regress in their behavior patterns to that of teenagers and not the good parts of the era like recreational drug use, excessive drinking and casual sex. More over, it's the self centered part of being young that gets channeled. When what you were doing and with who (this weekend) actually mattered to anyone besides yourself.

Heidi Germanaus just became a fan of dissing Facebook.

Really Citigroup? Really?

2009-05-07T16:57:00.000-07:00

So's I get home last night and there's an extremely gracious note from "Citigroup" illuminating me to the fact that they will be raising my interest rate for no apparent reason and if I didn't like it then I should just pay up and get to steppin' with my loan needin' self.

Those ball licking bastards have no regard that this is a line of credit that I've agreed to pay back over 5 years or that I've never been late on a payment and always slide some extra to go against the principle. But I think what pisses me off the most is that they basically told me "If you don't like it, blow us."

It's just about the most craptabulous customer relations I've ever been a party to. Is this how they'll ultimately frickin' crush us? The middle class I mean. People who take out small loans for improvements and pay it back responsibly. We get the ass raping? That's genius!

YET just yesterday in the Dr.s office where I work, a patient called in who could barely speak english but wanted to know why we don't accept Medicaid.

Fuck you, that's why. Why do you have Medicaid and you can't speak English? Answer that shit.

God knows, I have no answers about the state of our Country. I question everything and get zero understanding of what is happening. NO, I take that back. I get it and it sucks.

But through all of this injustice foisted upon regular Joe's as were squeezed into a grey limbo of hovering just above the poverty line, I find I'm laughing more than ever. Take today for example....

As our clinical supervisor sauntered her extremely round self past my cubicle, I overheard her tell an employee (in her best South Georgian drawl ) "He'll be pickin' up that form fer' that Cancer Camp in just a bit, he ain't gotta sign fer it."

I'm an asshole so I couldn't help but ask "Heya.... what kinda activities do they have at cancer camp?"

Now what I expected was "Shut up you smartass bitch" but what I got was so much better.

"Welllll (neck poppin')what the fuck you think they got? They got the "one -titty wet t-shirt contest" and then there's the "who can hold their food down the longest?" contest. There's an amputee sack race and if that it'n enough they got the "who lost the most weight this week" challenge..... dumbass."

And as quickly as her Scatman Caruthers gait could carry her....she was gone. She was gone and I was left in a deathlock of a laughing fit that lasted for at least 5 minutes. It was glorious.

I totally still want to slap Citigroup's face and if I ever get the chance BY- GOD- I- WILL.

But for the moment I guess it has to be blah blah acceptance blah blah blah.

How the hell do you find your writer's voice?

2009-05-06T16:37:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if I could ever accurately describe the feeling of having a million stories that you KNOW are original and entertaining but for some reason, some fucking reason....you just can't seem to write them down.

As I peruse over the countless unfinished screenplays, novels, and short stories (I haven't even finished a frickin' short story), I get so frustrated that I wish someone would just stab me in the ass with a rusty shovel. Make me do it! Why won't you make me!!!???

Anywho, I recently began taking an adult education class called "The Art of Book Writing" in hopes that maybe if I had to adhere to some sort of a schedule and participate with others that I may possibly be motivated enough to go the distance. But alas, I am merely two weeks from it's completion and have completely lost my zest for it.

I started out (as I always do) full of grand expectations. Sunbeams were practically shooting out of my crotch because I was just so freakin' excited. When we were asked to complete a timeline of happenings in our life that inspired us to want to write, I turned in eight pages and the instructor bawled her eyes out. She begged me to discard the notion of turning in a completed 50 page book by the end of the semester and instead stick with her through the next couple of semesters and write a biopic novel.

I shat my pants full of gummi bears at the thought of an actual published writer being so jazzed about my work and I didn't know what to say so I just said "o.k." She told me that it would be tough,( I've had an "interesting" life) but I was completely dismissive of her warning. "No issues" I said. "This is what I've always wanted to do."

Bullshit.

By the time I made it through chapter One I was ready for a 5th of Whiskey and a bottle of Ambien. I had no idea how stirring up all that buried crap would really affect me and wow did it ever in a horrible way. I got great feedback from the class but when I looked at what I wrote I don't see it. My gut reaction is that the content is interesting but the writing is not. It's cliche' and dry. No rhythm at all. Puke.

So last night in my funk of not wanting to write about this shit anymore and also not knowing if I should anyways, I purposely watched "Buy The Ticket, Take the Ride". It's a documentary about the life and times of the illustrious author Hunter S. Thompson and my God, fate does come when you call it.

That's what I want! I want to bleed it out like he did with every movement and thought. To become a master of puppeting the English language and forcing my will into people's brains.

He typed Earnest Hemingway novels over and over just so he could see what it felt like to write that well. I'm wondering if I did the same with Thompson's work if I could somehow channel his "Gonzo" spirit and break away from cliche' and kick the balls off of orginality?